for alot of people its hard to look at themselves and see something great. it hard to see that great quality that others see. i was reading this book and in it a very good question was asked. if you friends and family members can love you for who you are, why cant you do that same for yourself. i think for many of us, we are unaware of what quality we have in us that makes us so like able, mainly because no one tells us. well for this entry i would like to talk about a few of my friends and what about them makes them my friend, what about them i admire.
Pearl- what sparked my interest and made me want to be my friend, my best friends, was that she has such a big personality for someone smaller than myself. she symbolizes everything i wish i could be. to me she has the perfect life. she comes from a strong family with strong values, a culture so different from the ones i usually see everyday, she gets great grades, shes like, i dont know, amazing(lol, i used THE WORD). shes someone to admire and and try to be like. we both are so different than others, expecially in sayreville, but she holds her own, and holds it with her head up high. i dont think we ever actually had an argument. and she makes me want to be a better person. shes not one to be rude, even when like most of my friends were south asian they never would talk in a different language or talk about something that would make me feel eft out, and shes a great person for doing so. shes sweet, open minded, and sooooo confident. shes talented, its almost impossible to find any flaws about her. she is such a great person and an even greater friend and i dont know what would have happened if i didn't meet her. shes basically the person who has helped me become who i am today. she made it cool for me to just be me. and i thank her for that.shes just a person to admire, lol.
Karina- i admire her spirit, even with the restrictions people set in her way, she seems to get over them, she seems to be free. she seems confortable enough in her skin to flirt with boys and draw people to her. you would never know if she has image problems or family problems, or any problems at that, like the rest of us. she seems so responsible, the way she watches her siblings and takes care of the house while her mom and dad are out trying to make her life and the lives of her brothers and sister better. i can't help but be wide-eyed in admiration to the fact that she has both perents. she has a beautiful personality that sems to attract people to her. shes so open minded like me and so confident. shes such a beautiful person inside and out. most of all she has a culture, a language, and identity of her own. she has a flag (which might seem weird to admire but coming from somone who's flag is nothing but the american one, its worth admiring to me)
Anisa- she has that quality that i wish i had. i cant put it into one word but she um... she doesn't take herself so seriously. she knows when to let things go. she doesn't start arguments or acts rude. you know that you and her would never have a falling out. shes such a sweet girl with such a big heart.shes someone you can joke around with. like i said she doesn't take things so serious. shes tall (which i waish i could be) and so caring. shes someone i can talk to. shes not as talkative as me, she lets other people get a word in. she doesn't come off as too much. shes openminded and doesn't pass judgements and understands alot of things like that bother me, b/c half of the time its he same thing that bothers her.
Abby- the fact that we are so different yet so alike leaves me with wide eyes. shes so open minded and fun to be around. i admire her sooo much for speaking her mind and not backing down. to me she seems so strong. i think shes a beautiful person inside and out. her life kinda reflects the way mone used to be: living in the suberbs, in a nice safe neighborhood with nice safe neighbors (something i miss every now and then). shes the kind of person you'd love to have on your side because you know she will stick by you in the end no matter what. she looks out for you and pushes you to be the best you can be, shes soo soo soo suported of me. most of all, i admire her strong beliefs (even though they may be different than mine).
Armando- now hes like the only boy on this list. mostly because hes the only guy who i would consider a close friend of mine. i must say he holds his own enough to make it on my list(lol). he has that personality kind of like anisas, he lets perople get a say edge wise. he listens to what you have to say and on the most part is very understanding. he though is sometimes hard to understand (mostly because hes one of my few guy friends) but that makes you want to learn more about him. mostly hes sweet, sometimes so much so it surprises you. i cant help but admire his strong feelings for anisa and how much he cares. hes a person you cant help but like even when all you want to do is curse him out for the rest of your days (lol). hes sensitive, very sensitive, but not too sensitive that its really really annoying. like i said hes caring and has a good heart.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Saturday, November 06, 2004
WELCOME BACK!!(NO I DIDN'T STEAL THAT FROM MASE)
well i officially moved. i'm in NB now and pretty happy. i'm not im school yet but by next monday i plan to be. and though i really didn't expect it, i miss irvington. we went back to irvington to finish cleaning up the apartment so my mom could get here security back. i was kind of upset that i couldn't say bye to my friends but in the end everything was ok. i tried my best to soak up everything, every memory that i could soak up, from irvington. i wish i had a digital camera or something,lol, but my fancy camera in my mind was good enough.
since i haven't gone to school, i've been staying inside which has given me this runny nose.lol. i've been reading this book, a really cool book, different than many of the others i've read b/c basically it wasn't written by a caucasion person or an african american person; it was written by a south asian (a name i find much more pleasant than indian b/c 1. the term indian is also sometimes used for native americans 2. not everyone in south asia is indian, there are many other countries down there. anyway, it was a great book and in some parts it really related to me, in fact sometimes i couldn't tell whether they were talking about african american people or south asians. in one part of the book they refered to theirselves as "people of color", which is usually what is used to decribe african americans, and they refered to their skin color as of being brown (which of course it is but it was weird thinking of it being refered to anyother people other than african americans).
the girl in the book was suffering from something that all us teenagers suffer from, the big question of "who am i?". but mostly she suffered something i think i suffer everyday (excuse the word suffer), she felt as if she wasn't american enough for the americans and not indian enough for the indians (she in fact was indian).which i feel most of the time, that im not black enough for the african americans and not american enough for the americans. anyway, since i was already emotional (my best friend [code for something.lol.] had just ended), i guess through half of the book i was crying through, thoguh it wasn't all that sad. my eyes just became dripping fausets of pour emotion in salty droplet form.
anyway, that made me think of what i had hoped to gain from thsi move. i really want to change. i want to find myself. but before i could do that i had to sort through what i already knew. i am african american, i am not african and i am not american but african american. i am the offspring of offsprings brought from africa but since that is not my culture, my culture is more the american culture than anything else, i am not african. i dont come from those who live(d) in africa, i come from those who marched for the rights i have now, i come from those who suffered all those years, i come from those who were lynched for something they could not help, i come from african americans. there is no flag for my group of people, for we are people lost, without a culture of our own, without a language of our own (both are things that were stolen from us. i am daughter of felica (no last names what so ever.lol.), though i have lived with her for fourteen years i only know bits and pieces of her life. i am daughter of benard, though i dont know anything about him other than his name, i cant even picture him in my mind for the the colors in the picture of him imprinted in my mind have all run out, till the photo was blink.
anyway, i want to lern more about where i come from. more about my people, more about my mother, and mabey i'll build up some guts to ask about my father (i think i'll need alot of support to do that). you know for the longest time, i had only saw one photo of my mom when she was younger. only a few months ago i got to see more, i got to see pictures of my great grandma (who died when i was 7) holding me in her hands, pictures of my grandfather (who died when my mom was 12) with my mother, pictures of my mom and her brother that she had admired so much when she was a little girl. i dont know, it just felt like a whole chapter of my mom's life was being revealed, and at that moment i realized how much of a stranger she was to me....anyway so i am going to be learning more about where i come from (i need a library card now more than ever.lol.). wish me luck :)
since i haven't gone to school, i've been staying inside which has given me this runny nose.lol. i've been reading this book, a really cool book, different than many of the others i've read b/c basically it wasn't written by a caucasion person or an african american person; it was written by a south asian (a name i find much more pleasant than indian b/c 1. the term indian is also sometimes used for native americans 2. not everyone in south asia is indian, there are many other countries down there. anyway, it was a great book and in some parts it really related to me, in fact sometimes i couldn't tell whether they were talking about african american people or south asians. in one part of the book they refered to theirselves as "people of color", which is usually what is used to decribe african americans, and they refered to their skin color as of being brown (which of course it is but it was weird thinking of it being refered to anyother people other than african americans).
the girl in the book was suffering from something that all us teenagers suffer from, the big question of "who am i?". but mostly she suffered something i think i suffer everyday (excuse the word suffer), she felt as if she wasn't american enough for the americans and not indian enough for the indians (she in fact was indian).which i feel most of the time, that im not black enough for the african americans and not american enough for the americans. anyway, since i was already emotional (my best friend [code for something.lol.] had just ended), i guess through half of the book i was crying through, thoguh it wasn't all that sad. my eyes just became dripping fausets of pour emotion in salty droplet form.
anyway, that made me think of what i had hoped to gain from thsi move. i really want to change. i want to find myself. but before i could do that i had to sort through what i already knew. i am african american, i am not african and i am not american but african american. i am the offspring of offsprings brought from africa but since that is not my culture, my culture is more the american culture than anything else, i am not african. i dont come from those who live(d) in africa, i come from those who marched for the rights i have now, i come from those who suffered all those years, i come from those who were lynched for something they could not help, i come from african americans. there is no flag for my group of people, for we are people lost, without a culture of our own, without a language of our own (both are things that were stolen from us. i am daughter of felica (no last names what so ever.lol.), though i have lived with her for fourteen years i only know bits and pieces of her life. i am daughter of benard, though i dont know anything about him other than his name, i cant even picture him in my mind for the the colors in the picture of him imprinted in my mind have all run out, till the photo was blink.
anyway, i want to lern more about where i come from. more about my people, more about my mother, and mabey i'll build up some guts to ask about my father (i think i'll need alot of support to do that). you know for the longest time, i had only saw one photo of my mom when she was younger. only a few months ago i got to see more, i got to see pictures of my great grandma (who died when i was 7) holding me in her hands, pictures of my grandfather (who died when my mom was 12) with my mother, pictures of my mom and her brother that she had admired so much when she was a little girl. i dont know, it just felt like a whole chapter of my mom's life was being revealed, and at that moment i realized how much of a stranger she was to me....anyway so i am going to be learning more about where i come from (i need a library card now more than ever.lol.). wish me luck :)
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