ohh...i'm feeling really good lately. idk, i've just been feeling happier lately and i have to say alot of it has to do with my friends and the play and everything. i've been thinking alot about what iwant to do in the future. i've been writing this essay for upward bound and it has had me thinking about my dreams and aspirations. lately i haven't been doing alot of my hobbies, things that i enjoy doing. i must say it might have to do with how sad i've been.
i started a new micheal, as some of you may know. its really not the same, no matter how much i try to make it feel the same, it just isn't. i've been beginning to think that maybe i've out grown it. i mean at the time it was a great way in realeasing my sadness, my crushes, my confusion, my dreams. it was the only thing i could open up to. the only thing i could explain myself to and tell about my true dreams, my true aspirations. i think thats why i miss it sooo much and why i've been searching for something that can be remotly the same.
i've gotten so used to writing short little entries, that now that im back to my long ones, it feels weird. i mean i read these long blog entries and god i cant stay awake. i start getting that feeling you get when you read a book that your not iterested in. a book thats long and boring and tidious. i start to get this knot in my throat and my mind starts to wonder and i skip things and so on and so on. lol.
ok just had to say that, anyway. like i was saying, ive been thinking about my dreams and aspirations. my dreams that i mark as being as close to reality as possible and those that i mark as something fun to think about. i know what id like to be. id like to be an architech or interior designer, or even both. i like fashion also. and with everything i see myself being able to pull off all of that. idk. and thats under my realistic dreams.lol. but idk, ever since i was young i loved singing and dancing. i think about when i was younger and how much i wanted to be a singer and dancer. then one day all of that disappeared. for a while,i didn't think about it. for a while i completly forgot about singing. i would dance in the living room and the privacy of my bedroom. never really dancing in front of ppl. i basically kept that part of myself to myself. and i think thats why its so surprising that i can dance. lol
but anyway, ive been thinking about what happened to make me give up on something that i was so attached to. i look back and i cant recognize that hunger that i had when i was younger. it makes me sad thinking about how much i wanted it and how much a promised myself never to let it go. and how just with one coment from someone whose opinion means a ton to me, that was all taking away. and im kinda disappointed in myself. so much i dont really talk about it. im still not sure if im gonna make this a valid entry and post it. or how long i will post it if i do decide to in fact post it. it hurts me sooo much. im just disappointed in my self. i try to live my life not letting others opinion run my life but i think everyone has that one person whose opinion means the world to them. in fact, its common sense that i would take what the person,who actually said whatever to me, had to say about me and my life so seriously. idk, and i try not to think about it b/c its one of those things that tears me apart everytime i think about it. i think it might even be the reason why i dont open myself up to ppl as much. in fact this is probably the most i'll ever open up to anybody.
i just think about it and that makes it all the more obvious that its still something i love. its still something i dream of doing. i think about my future and how much more it'll hurt when i'm, married and with children and i think back to it all. i mean if it hurts this much now, imgine when ive grown up and made a life for myself. i cant blame anyone but myself. usally you forget about your greatest dreams b/c someone walks into you life who makes everything else not matter. instead i let it go b/c of something so stupid as someones opinion. ppl really dont know how much they mean to you, and how important what they have to say is. i dont want to talk about who it was. or about anything else that has to do with it. i dont want to talk about it anymore.
i think im gonna start drawing more. i love to draw and i want to develop my talents. i want towrite more and i might also want to sing and dance more....God...i'm just gonna try to hold onto what i have as much as i can. im gonna also have to get my homework done.lol. expeccially if i want this ap class. i kinda feel like how i felt after writing in micheal. this relief, this feeling that everything was ok, for a while at least. though i dont feel that exactly now.lol. i need to find something to make feel that way, something i can open up to. my bottles half way empty but it still has protential.lol. im just sitting here listenignto my brother sing shut up by simple plan.aww my baby bro.lol
and thats all i have to say about that.....(lol)
