My comment for Anisa's "Marriage"

This is my comment for Anisas entry on her blog. I suggest you read her entry before reading my comment so you can gain a better "overall" understanding of what we are talking about. heres her link... http://itsonlyaphaze.blogspot.com/ um and heres my comment...

Omg Anisa. Your right. When you think of marriage it’s like this whole big thing. It's like "long distance relationship". It not a big thing but people make it a big thing that the word just holds such a heavy meaning. When I think of marriage I think of it as two people meeting each other and feeling in their soul that this is their match. Two people who complete each other. When I get married I want it to be with someone I love with all my heart. With someone I’d die for. With someone that when I'm near them there’s no other place I want to be. And when I’m away from them their the only person I want to be with. I want that feeling when you just want to be with him so much. Like you just want to fuse together with that person. That’s how I think of like your wedding band. It’s like a symbol of a never-ending bond between two people. When I marry someone I want to feel like my love for him is never ending. But I also understand how two people can just "fall out of love" and that terrifies me the most. I’m so afraid of divorce that I know it’s going to take me a looong time to get married. I know that if I get married, I want to only have to do it once. And with someone I could spend my life with and not worry about "waking up to that person everyday" or "only having sex with that one person" plus when I think of marriage and relationships for that matter I think of mine being special. I don’t really like the whole "rules" thing that goes with relationships. Those set of unwritten laws. I don’t like that b/c I know I’m the kind of person who wants to be allowed to do certain things. And I’m willing to allow my "partner" (lol) to do certain things. I kind of don’t understand that "oh I don’t want you going to strip clubs" thing. I think its stupid. In fact I'd probably go with you. That way I know your not doing anything. Plus, well anyway, I don’t see what's so bad about it. I don’t know. When I think of me going back in time, meeting 50 cent, and convincing him to marry me and our marriage together. I think of it being well great. Oh I love 50 cent. Woo. Anyway. Even when I think of marrying Frankie Gotti. I imagine going through a lot and gaining a real understanding if who the person is and then marrying the person. I know that I might not be ready to marry anyone till like my 30s, mostly my late 30's. Because I don’t understand getting married in your 20s because your still living your life. In your 20s, you are finally on your own, having fun, and building a life for yourself. You have enough to worry about, with you now having to adjust to living on your own. Why rush and have to deal with also learning to live with another person at the same time. Plus you are trying to build a career. It’s a lot to add building a life with your husband to it. I think by my late 30's I would have things figured out. Plus if you get married in your late 30's you would have had plenty of time to understand the person, gone through enough with this person to figure out if you want to be with him for the rest of your life and had enough time to live together to see if you guys are compatible in living together. I’d hate to rush and then have to divorce over little things like "why cant you just put down the toilet seat" "why cant you just aim at the toilet" why cant you just fill the dirty dishes with water so the food wont harden" "why cant you help around the house" etc. Lol. Plus I want to have time to figure out what we have to work on. I’m terrified of divorce. I never want to divorce. I think I’m kind of more afraid of that then dieing or going to sleep and never waking up (which is kind of the same thing but not really lol) anyway. Omg I remember watching the special on gay marriages and seeing like those people so inn love and like fighting for the right to spend the rest of their lives together and having something like in writing to express how they just want to spend the rest of their lives together. It was so amazing to see, just how marriage has become. Like people just marrying people b/c their afraid of dieing alone or for money or like all those stupid reasons. It kind of makes me sad. But I want something more special. I want to find that special person. My soul mate. Omg I read this thing, this book and it was about like ok I forgot, but at the end she wrote this thing on soul mates and omg I so believe. Before kind of didn’t believe in “soul mates” but I do now. I believe that there is someone out there that god made just for you. And that person could be your best friend, you now boyfriend, some guy like 12 years younger than you, someone twice your age, etc. and I believe that if you take your time and don’t rush things you will find them. But it’s just that you don’t get a lot of time to put things together. You get like 10-20 years. Most people, by their 30’s, want to be having children and getting married and having a career, etc,. And sometimes it doesn’t work that way so they rush and things just go really bad. I think people should just take their time. Ok anyway. Wow this could have been an entry. Ok ill count this as my bog entry for today. Lol. In fact I think I’m going to spell check this and then make it my entry for today and then just leave you a comment saying that my comment is on my blog. Um ok. Well then ttyl anisa. Lol. I guess.

Boyfriend

ok this is going to be short and sweet and to the point...i think im like falling in love. i dont know i wanted to be sure that i "felt" it before i said or expressed, etc. it but i think im kind of sure. i care about him sooo much and i ...i love him. i can truely say that since talking to him and spending time with him i am truely happy. ive never felt such happiness. i remember reading karinas thing and she said how shes so happy im not sad and depressed anymore like how i used to be and i thought about it and i realized it was all mostly jesse. when i was sad and depressed and felt so lonely and and unloved, he, out of everyone i knew, was there for me making me feel special. we used to talk and talk and talk and i was so just happy. i wasn't as sad as i was before. i think mostly it was because of how he saw me. he saw me as this happy, outgoing, freespirit, kind of girl, every thing i have wanted to be, but just couldn't. he sees in me the good and he understands me. and i remember thinking about how i wanted my boyfriend to be, what i look for in "him", and its jesse. i wanted someone who understood me , sometimes better than i do myself, and tries to understand me and someone who loves and cares and is sooo supportive of me and who tolerates my bad and laughs at my stupid jokes and makes me feel important and smart and just makes me feel good and happy. i just wanted someone who could help me find "true happiness". and its jesse. its ben him but wasn't willing to let myself believe that because i so desperately didn't want to be hurt. just like ive never felt that jind of happiness, i have never felt that kind of pain, and even though with jesse i dont feel like he would ever do something to hurt me, i dont want to take my chances and i dont want to feel vulnerable. im so scared and i told him that. how im like terrified of commitment and im not affectionate and i dont want to feel vulnerable, and im kind of scared. though i like the feeling, im scared of it. but right now im trying to soak up this feeling, though after all the negative stuff i just wrote, its kind of hard. but im trying to soak some of it up before i start building my wall. i really dont wabt to but i am just really protective of myself and my feelings and i just cant trust him with it yet. i think thats what im afriad of. i have a fixed belief of what love and marriage , no no no im not thinking of marriage yet but im just saying, and i think its like when you come to a point in your relationship when you can honestly trust that person. like with your heart and soul and be sure that he/she wont break it. i hardly like letting people borrow my clothes (karina you still got my Thomas, i just remembered you have my Thomas), let alone trust them with my freaking heart. so i guess thats why instead of trusting and relying on people i rely on my Jerry and Thomas I,II,III,IV,V,VI and last but not least my Micheal.lol i just realized i have talked about jesse and karina and i haven't capitalized their names but Thomas and Jerry and Micheal get their names capitalized; them and God.lol. sorry guys.anyway i need to get ready, i have to find the phone and get dressed for bed and clean up my room ;) ;) sike but really i need to clean up my room (lol) and just get ready for jesses phone call. i really hope he makes it home safe, he should be getting hom now. anyway.ttyl

...thats gonna be about it

Brother

it is taking every fiber in my body not to say those horrid words about my brother but after these past three days i have become truly fed up. im just so tired...so tired and i am not going out anywhere ever again as long as i have to take him. i am truly just worn out today and i look like crap from crying and screaming. i just really need to lay down. maybe i'll talk to you later.

..thats all

Delicate

so yesterday i went to club platinum and my ears are still ringing so im sitting here listening to delicate by damien rice hoping that by concentrating on the sounds comming out of my speakers, that maybe i can stop this ringing. yesterday was...great. yesterday i may have disclosed all the delicate reasons why...lol just wanted to use delicate in my entry once...but yea yesterday i might have told all about it but right now i feel its better to keep it to myself. what goes on in platinum stays in platinum. thank god anisa and armando were there and not some other people. thank god...nvm. i just had a really good time and so did anisa and armando and i am kind of happy it was just us. i dont think we would have had as much fun with all the people we were thinking of inviting. i think it was better the way it was. i really want to go next sunday but i doubt there is a way to go. my mom may give me money so im gonna stay on a budget, though anisa has school on monday so im not really going to have anyone to go with. maybe me and karina can have a sleepover but i really doubt that so... maybe jody ann would want to go but i dont want to stay in the hip hop room. omg i could ask abigail, though she may want to stay in the hip hop room wiht all the black boys and i really just want to be in the club room...ok. but maybe i could convince her to split the time. plus abigail hasn't been over my house in sooo long. actually shes never been over, i hardly have sleep overs ever, and it would be cool if she could come.i dont know, i'll figure out something. shit but whos going to watch my brother, i really dont want to ask jesse again.i dont know, im happy that he did this time but jesses my bf not my babysitter...anyway well i had fun looking forward in going again...soon

...and thats about it

Inspiration

I remember in eighth grade, becoming so inspired by Benjamin Franklin and his strong desire to learn. Just being inspired by someone who had barely anything, whose constant search for a form of education was the only thing that was able to truly feed his soul; feeling quite disappointed in myself for being awarded with all the tools to "truly feed my soul" and not using it entirely to my advantage. But now I am in tenth grade, and I am now inspired by someone who is truly inspirational...my true forefather...Frederick Douglass. A person with nothing but the chains in which he was held back with. A person who is far more relatable than say Mr. Franklin. A person whose achievements could be argued far greater than that of Benjamin Franklin. A person enslaved by the same kind of people who enslaved my ancestors. A person whose hardships have given me some light to that of my ancestors. Just by reading his autobiography, I have received a more detailed look into the inhumane treatment of my ancestors...my people. I have received a look into the savagery and barbarity of slavery. Oh my god I am so passionate about this subject (as you can tell by my use of vocabulary words. I only bring them out when I'm talking about something I find important and am extremely passionate about). Just reading about the experiences he has experienced and the horrid images and sounds he has been exposed to, has opened my mind and heart. I remember hearing like examples of the songs slaves would sing in movies or documentaries and being uplifted. But now my heart is just saddened, thinking about it all. Just thinking about how those songs were songs of people, my people, in despair. Those were songs of deep sorrow and depression. Oh my god my heart feels so heavy and yet it also feels like its creeping up my throat. To think I can barely go on thinking about it, imagining it. My ancestors were so strong, so strong to withstand such horrid treatment and I, compared to them, am so weak. I remember one day I was watching Degrassi and Emma was watching something about the solar system and just started crying b/c she felt so small in such a big universe and I have always wondered how it felt. Though I know that I am just this tiny spec in such a big solar system, I am unable to truly grasp the idea. But right now I think I feel something that closely resembled the feeling that Emma felt, that overwhelming feeling of feeling so small, so unimportant, and so weak. That’s how I feel compared to my ancestors. I have and will never have to go through any of the horrible experiences that my ancestors have had to go through, and to that I am so grateful. But now I feel unimportant, what can I possibly do that is as important as my ancestors and makes me worthy of bearing my last name? I don’t really feel important enough to bear the name Terrell, or to have the McKee or Wimbush blood running through me. I feel as if I cannot do anything to contribute to my family. Though I do not feel as lost as I have. I have a small sense of who I am and of what my culture is. I have a small sense of what it truly means to be African American and, for that, I am eternally grateful to Mr. Fredrick Douglass.

House Party

well jesse and his sister and jody just left. i miss him already. it feels like forever. like its gonna take an eternity before i see him again. i can still feel his presense ok let me stop before i get too personal and mushy.wow.anyway i want to go to this house party sooo bad. i wish anisa lived like close by, so we could just like stop by, just stay for a few min. to an hour (depending on how it is) and then come back. today feels weird, i think because my mom is acting weird. but anyway i wanna go so badly. before we go off to college i want to experience at least one highschool house party. and go to at least one teen night. dag i have nothing to do. i think ill read my frederick douglass autobiography. and then i may start my us history homework. i have alot to do and i really dont want to wait till the last miniute to do it. so....

...thats all

...God

well im sitting here waiting for my mom to wake so i can get some laundry done. then later i plan on having a bbq with my fam and i invited anisa and karina b/c we haven't all just hun out together just the three of us and i really miss that. so today im gonna try to pull anisa from armando for like a few hours and karina from yrwin but i doubt that will happen. i doubt it will be the three of us and im trying not to be so negative but i know its not going to happen, something in my heart says it. elmos acting really wierd so i had to block him from my AIM for a quick minuite and i think Yrwins mad b/c he was planning a day with Kay and i got to her b4 he could or whatever. I sware when did life become all about the opposite sex and being with the opposite sex? what happened to being happy and hanging with your friends and not having to compete with byfriends and guy friends and etc. im getting sad now. well anyway im planning on living a more spiritual life. sometimes when you think about it it seems so hard but then you have to ask yourself "do i really place the world, my friends, family, my worldly possessions,etc, in front of God?" "do i really worship them, instead of my own God?". i have to be honest and say that i really dont know, at times yes. most times yes.most times i rather spend time with my mom rather than read the bible or go to church, etc. there are things i know i must let go for God that i just really dont want to. but honestly what do i want most a relationship with God or 50 cent? no im just kidding but really yea.its gonna be hard. i really dont want to be the kind of person who stays at home and all she does is pray, read the bible, watch the news and gospels on tv, and does her hw and chores. but i also dont want to be a hypocrite. i want everything that i have now and a relationship with God and i dont know how to do it.and i dont think it can be done. so i usually start falling off my spiritual ride or watever. i doint know. im notfeeling well. im gonna go walk aroud the house.

...thats all

Quickie: The people in your life are balancing you perfectly right now -- things are fun!

today...just feels amazing.anisas on the plane right now on her way back home. it feels like everything is just alligning in a perfect line and the sun and the stars are just all smiling at me. everyone around me is nestled into their respected roles in my life and i just feel sooo happy today. i woke up and for the first time in weeks i didn't feel tired, restless, sad, depressed anything. i felt PERFECT. it feels like everythings perfect and im enjoying every minuite of this. this is how everyday for me should feel. God is truly smiling down on me. i feel like dancing and singing. OMIGOD. i think after i finish writing im gonna take a shower,get dressed, clean my room, put on some music and just dance and sing my heart out.i want to start working out, at least training for PT so i can at least figure out if i wanna do RAIDER.wow im all over the place.lol. but i feel like just walking around New Brunswick today and just talking. I woke up today, wel actually i went to sleep last night also, thinking about how i just want to sit and talk to sombody. either write it down or talk to Jelly and Bananas. for the first time i feel like i rather talk to Jelly and Bananas more. i just feel like dancing. go somewhere. do something. this week has been great. this weekend i feel will be perfect. im just soooo happy. omg. ok well im about to take a shower so ill talk to you guys later. i cant sit down today.lol.

...thats it :*

OUTCAST

so i ended up having fun yesterday. even though i was kind of sad for not making it to armandos party. sorry armando. anyway, i ended up hanging out with karina, jody, robert, and yrwin b4 he kind of got mad and left. i really need to work on what not to say in front of certain people. b/c some ppl are like so sensitive that its sickening and some people know how to take a joke. i need to learn how to read people. anyway, i've been trying to get myself together for school. im not looking forward to it, though im not dreading it either. im kind of in the middle. i woke up late, tears in eyes, remembering my birthday and i had some doubts on whether or not i wanted to risk putting myself out there again and getting hurt like i did. i dont think i was all too hurt about the "party"(or lack of), mostly b/c armando and anisa were there for me and i that simple fact makes it hard for me to be sooo down. but i am kind of sad b/c of the fact that some ppl couldn't make it after we all (well at least i was ) were looking forward to it. then i started feeling my outcast feelings that i felt around my birthday time, and that ive felt everytime i've moved. feelings that i convinced myself i would never let myself feel again, but disappointedly felt today. i remembered all the times i was stuck by myself, b/c for some reason i seperated myself, or didn't try as hard to fit in, mostly b/c i felt hopeless. anyway, so i finally got up and after going through the list of what "i dont feel like doing", i wrote out some more affirmations to stick on my dor, including "I am not an OUTCAST". and listed a few more for when i made some more circles fr my door. its a good start but im not all the way there. i want to spend tommorrow getting ready for school. i know im going to do my laundry tommorrow so i better clean today so i can sort my clothes. after reading my horoscope, since it was on the like of what "i do feel like doing", i decided to do something i havn't done since i was a little girl in my moms beauty salon. wow, i dont think i ever told you guys about that. ill leave that for another entry.maybe. anyway so i put on my old Mary J Blige cd and started singing my heart out as i cleaned my room for a full out persormance.lol. corny yes, but it was a treat for myself. though i didn't end up doing it, b/c after the cd skipping and my mom yekling at me for no reason, i suddenly didn't feel too up to it. i do miss those days, and ive never just been myself and sung and danced without a care, in a while, b/c even when im alone in my room, alone in the house even, i still feel alittle self conscious. today would have been the first time in a while i didn't care about what other people thought about me, but oh well. somethings aren't meant to happen at times. maybe later i'll build up the nerve, but until then im going to...well idont know what im going to do. i really dont feel like doing anything other than laying down.

No Happy Endings

oh "pants, sweaters and shoes oh my" was my 100th post. thats kind of cool. though i cant seem to get in the mood to be happy about it. im finding trouble really finding any happy thoughts right now. my whole day has been a total complete horrible mess. my whole day is ruined. i spent half of it at a police station b/c rah rah had to have his footbal game in a freaking white town. fuck. i spent about 5 hours in that station doing nothing, worrying about what was going to happen to my mother, agitated by my brother and his friend, and tired as hell b/c i got up early for this shit. then after that i was kind of excited b/c then my day would be better b/c i was going to armandos surprise b-day. but oh well, that fell through. now im sitting here dressed up annoyed and upset. i really just wanted to spend the rest of this year on a happy note. with happy affirmations, and thoughts, and happy events. and the sadest art was that my "happy" new life was supposed to start today. im desperatly trying to hold onto any happy things that i can muster. im just quite upset and refusing to let these tears fall from my eyes.i need to think of something that could possibly brighten my day.

...thats all

Pants and Sweaters and Shoes? OH MY

well im sitting here in my boxers, in a room full of clother-old and new- with a fed addiction to food and shoes. i must say, if i even here myself complain about not having anything to wear, i will personally slap myself. times like these you wonder whats in it for them. i just know that im going to have to do a lot of house cleaning, after today and how much was spent on me. plus i still want those boots we saw in the store and i still need my vingtage tees and a few more blazers and a jean jacket. i haven't gotten my cargo pants but im not that worried about that.oh and look what i just found, my list for todays shopping.basically all i still need off my list is vintage tees, those lacy sparkly tees, and a jean jacket-plus anything else my mom wants to buy me. either way, i have realized that i have a shopping addiction-not just a shoe fetish but an everything that has to do with fashion and style and clothing and etc fetish. and today my mom has fed it and made it worsen. God, i love her. i'm just gonna have to remeber that when shes asking me to clean something and i roll my eyes and she threatens to take back all my stuff.lol. anyone who has been in the same room of my mom knows what im talking about. but shes so great, she woke up this morning and cursed out, stressed out, and blacked out on these people at the bank b/c they were holding her check which had about more than a thousand dollars on it, which anyone who lives in new brunswick and is borderline poor (ok not borderline) knows how serious that is, expecially if your a teenager living in new brunswick, poor and in need some new clothers. and when that check is going solely to paying the cell phone bill (in which includes your cell phone), and the rest going to your school shopping and anything that your mother thinks is a "must have" of her own. ok so let me place you there. so i'm in this big store, my moms downstares looking for more stores and looking for some things for herself, and im completly overwelmed. i dont know what to do,lol. which is funny for someone who dreams of going on What Not To Wear just for the free trip to New York, the $5,000 shopping spree, and the free hair and makeup tips. pss pss...not saying that i still dont want to do that ...hint hint. so anyway my mom comes and wisks me away to this store she found that she feels is perfect for me. and we spend most of our time there, forgetting about the other stores we put on our "to go " list. anyway, for a second i felt good, felt confident, felt less self concious as my mom said things like "oh you really do have a perfect figure" and "oh those pants look like they were made to fit you, lets get a few more pairs of those in every color" .my mom is a trip. but for a second i felt as beautiful as she is. i felt like how she used to be when she was little. this was great for a little girl who spent hours staring at the pictures of her mother when she was young, skinny, and gorgeous, just wishing and hoping that mabey she could grow up to be, and look just like her, cursing her absent father for cursing her with every extra feature on her body that didn't come soely from her mother. i love my mother and so much i just wish to be as loud spoken, and pretty as she is. i remember right before she had rah, when she had lost a lot of weight (which was gained from having me) and was the perfect size, with the curves in the right places, and a beautiful face. she was truely the picture of perfect and all i wanted to be. as i stared at the mirror with a flat ass, still hadn't developed, just comming out of having the chicken pox (which proved to be the worst thing that has happened to me in my whole entire life), and wearing stretch pants that refused to stretch. i dreamed of how if i could become full figured like my mom, how everything would be perfect, when everyone else had dreams of a size 0, i had dreams of a size 14 (though i'm not sure what a size 14 looks like or if my mom was that size or not lol) but you know what i'm saying. basically, it felt good to have all my moms attention on me (something that hasn't been done alot since the end of my only child status). anyway, i had a good day, and now i have to figure out what to do with my room.

thats all i have to say

Something On A Personal Note

My prince charming
hope has no place for me
as i drown in fictitious visions of
a better life foolish to believe in
huge masses of a person wrap around me
hold me close by
my sadness depression transfered
my heart soul being empty into you
he shelters me from pain
protect me from harm
protect me from you
as i float blindly beleiving in your love for me
my heart my soul believes in you
dont let me down
crushed i will be
my notice of warning to you come fictitious dream

...thats all

GIANT DOUCHE OR TURD SANDWICH?

YES THE ELECTION IS KIND OF OVER BUT THEIR WILL ALWAYS BE A TIME WHEN YOU HAVE TO VOTE BETWEEN A GIANT DOUCHE OR A TURD SANDWICH. THINK ABOUT IT, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT BOY MIGHT BE YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND. DOUCHE OR TURD?-THATS THE REAL QUESTION. VOTE OR DIE. A LESSON EVERYONE SHOULD LEARN. NOW HERES THE LYRICS TO THE SONG.

vote or die muthafucka, muthafucka vote or die
rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye
democracy is founded on one simple rule
get out there and vote or I will muthafuckin kill you

yea

I like it when you vote bitch (bitch)
Shake them titties when you vote bitch (bitch)
I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof)
Now get yo big ass in the polling booth

I said vote, bitch, Or I fuckin kill you

vote or die muthafucka, muthafucka vote or die
you can't run from a .38 go ahead and try
let your opinion be heard, you gotta make a choice
cause after I slit your throat, you won't have a fuckin voice

vote or die
VOTE OR DIE!

LAST COMMENT OF THE NIGHT

it kills me to say. in fact i really dont want to say it....but i will...50 cent kinda killed the show. he stole.he slaughtered it.lol.oh god.you notice no one mentioned his performance.lol. im trying to laugh it off. oh wow. was it just me but was everyone walking on eggshells afterward. it was so uncomfortable. oh god. so awkward.oh wow. i still love him. even though hes a ghetto hot mess. hes my ghetto hot mess and everyone other insanly crazed fan that i wouldn't go as far in calling myself. im just a fan, who loves and worships him. no probalem in that. well like i said the best part of the evening was going to be 50 cent. there were so many other great performances but honestly hes the only thing im thinking of. and im sure by tommorrow it will be the only thing that everyone is thinking about. this is wayyyyy better than madonna and britney. i hope i didn't just like psycotically imagine all that up. but i must say i love 50 Cent.

...thats abou all i have to say about that

50 CENT

OMG I LOVE 50 CENT. SOOOOO MUCH. MY DAY IS TRULY FULFILLED NOW THAT IVE SEEN HIM. I LOVED HIS PERFORMANCE SIMPLE YET BRILLIANT. I HATE WHEN HE TRIES TOO HARD. ITS BETTER SIMPLE. OMG BUT MTV HAD TO FIND A WAY TO MISS IT UP BY BLEEPING OUT WHAT HE SAID IN THE END. ALL I HEARD WAS SOME HARSH SMIGGITS OF WORDS AND A WORD THAT A FEMALE BODY PART IS USUALLY CALLED. BUT I WANNA KNOW MORE. I LVE DRAMA. AND I LOVE 50 CENT. OMG I'M ABOUT TO BURST. THIS MTV AWARDS WEREN'T SO BAD.

HE'S BACK WITH HIS WIFE!!

OMG OMG IM CLAPPING IM CRYING OK WELL IM NOT CRYING. BUT HE WENT BACK TO HIS WIFE. THOGUH WHY DOES SHE WANT HIM HE NASTY. CHUCK: REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU MADE TO ME. DID YOU GET KIND OF WEIRD FEELING TOO? LIKE UNCOMFORTABLE? LIKE IS R KELLY KINDA QUEER A TINY BIT? WAS HE WITH LITTLE BOYS TOO? NO J/J COMERCIALS ALMOST OVER. LET ME CHECK ON THE LAZONGNA

CRUNK OR CLOWNIN?

I MUST ASK WHATS THE DIFFERENCE B/W CRUNK AND CLOWNIN? AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH TEARING YOUR SHIRT OFF? CAUSE I WANT TO LEARN.LOL.J/K. AWW THAT GIRL WAS SOO CUTE. I THINK SHAKILAS GONNA WIN. THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU AWARDS AFTER YOUR PERFORMANCE BUT IT IS MIAMI. SO.....AND WHY DO THE BLACK EYE PEAS KEEP STANDING UP DURING EVERY INTERESTING PERFORMANCE. MAYBE THE PPL BEHIND YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE TOO. MAYBE THEY THINK ITS INTRIGUING TOO. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW WITH YOU STANDING UP. OH I GUESS I WAS WRONG. MISSY WON. I MUST SAY HIP HOP IS TAKING OVER!! WHAT!! WHAT!! OMG I GOT TO GO. R KELLYS COMING ON. AND IM INT

SHAKIRA

SO ITS NOT THAT BAD. I STILL SAY THE STAGE IS TOO LARGE BUT...ITS NOT THAT BAD. THOUGH IF YOU

JUST WANTED TO SAY

CHEESY STUPID SKITS BEFORE THE NOMINEES IS EXTRA STUPID AND CHEESY IN MIAMI. OK I SHOULD STOP HATING ON MIAMI. BUT THEY KIND OF ARE. IN NEW YORK YOU DONT MIND. B/C ITS A PART OF LIFE. BUT FOR MIAMI. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE SO GREAT AND NEW AND IMPROVED. IT SUCKS. BUT THATS ALL ILL SAY SO FAR. AND WHY DID THEY DO TWO AWARDS AT ONCE. PROBABLY B/C THE STARS WONT HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO KEEP IT SHORT. LOL TTYL

WHY? GREEN DAY WHY?

WHY? WHY DID THEY PLAY THAT SONG. ITS OLD AND I WOULD HAVE RATHER THEM PLAY WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS. AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE HALF AND HALF. BUT IT WAS ALL OF THE SONG.!WHY START THE SHOW WITH AN OLD SONG. AND DIDDY'S ENTRANCE IS KINDA OF COOL BUT THE GIRLS AND THEN THE DIVING INTO THE POOL WAS KIND OF GAY. THOUGH I MUST ADMIT DIDDY IS SO COOL! BUT WHAT IS HE DOING NOW?WHY DID HE HAVE TO TALK AND DANCE??OH GOD! NO NOT CHEESY SPECIAL EFFECTS!!ITS KINDA COOL THOUGH AFTER THE CHEESY SPECIAL EFFECTS. I HOPE HE DOESN'T START DANCING AGAIN. THOUGH ITS QUITE UNEXPECTED>?

FALL OUT BOY SAVES THE DAY!

OMG FALL OUT BOY HAS SAVED THE DAY. I WAS SO CLOSE TO FALLING ASLEEP. I NEARLY MISSED IT BUT IM SO HAPPY I TURNED FROM WHAT I WAS WATCHING BACK TO THE PRESHOW TO SEE FALL OUT BOY. THOUGH ITS A OLD SONG ITS SUCH A RELIEF.

SO FAR...

I AM JUST OFFICIALLY SAYING HOW GAY THIS YEARS MTV AWARDS HAS BEEN GOING. HOPEFULLY THE SHOW WONT BE AS BAD AS THE PRESHOW. OMG OMG OMG I JUST SA2W BRANDON. OMG MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. YET ITS KINDA SAD THAT THE COMMERCIALS ARE MORE EXCITING THEN THE ACTUAL SHOW. THAT SAYS ALOT ABOUT THE SHOW. ANYWAY SITTING HERE WATCHING THE PRESHOW. ILL COMMENT ON THE ACTUAL SHOW. HOPEFULLY THE STAGE WONT BE SO LARGE AND RETARDED AND THERE WONT BE AS MUCH GOING ON AS LAST YEAR. GO BRONX! GO YANKEES! GO NEW YORK!!

So i'm sitting here with my dulce de leche that I got from the cheesecake factory after convincing my mom she should take us there right quick after she picked me up from Barnes and nobles. I finally finished my ttyl book. I’m beginning to want to find a book with more... how do you put it... depth? It was a good book. But I found myself searching for more. I want to read about important issues. Eating disorder. Self-mutilation. Spiritual awareness. Self-understanding and drug addictions. Lol anyway so today I read my horoscope, something I haven't don’t in solo long and basically it was screaming at me to spend time with my friends and talk about my future and things going on in my life. I’m starting to hate horoscopes and how they reaffirm what you already know in your heart. So I asked karina if she wanted to go with me to Barnes and nobles and as soon as I did I remembered about the garage sell and figured she wouldn't be able to. Anyway, if I had asked earlier she probably would have been able to but sadly enough, even with permission to go, I was alone b/c Karina was held up with all the things that she had to do around the house and I hadn't time to wait. Oh here’s a copy of what my horoscope said:

Daily teen (by Astrology.com) You can't wait for this afternoon, when you'll have a chance to huddle with friends and talk about everything and nothing. When the conversation slips toward the abstract, confide some of your deeply cherished hopes for the future.
Quickie: You've got big dreams. Discuss them with some close friends.
Overview: Love the life you lead. If for some reason you're not currently loving your present situation, it's time to look at ways you can change things for the better. What needs improving in your immediate vicinity?

Drag, I hate how reaffirming these things are. At least my romance things cant be true b/c currently, surprisingly for the first time I have no secret love interest. Except for 50 Cent of course (and that’s not secret) and maybe Frankie (but does a Gotti boy really count as real?) so i’m happy about that. But lately I really have been wondering if my life is really mutable. If I can cultivate enough courage and tenacity embedded in me to change my life. I need encouragement, a sort of talisman, something to help me deal with the rigors of life. All I want is self-understanding, enlightenment, Bodhi (same difference, though don’t make the mistake of thinking i’m into Buddhism, I like my religion.wat ever it may be...lets leave all the Buddhism to Yrwin), basically anything. So far I have a dulce de leche cheesecake and lost dreams. Hey you must start somewhere. Tomorrow’s my bros football game. I wish I could invite someone to come but it’s kind of late. I wish it were tomorrow so I could watch 50 Cent on the MTV awards. That’s the only reason why I’m watching them b/c as long as its in Miami (and no i’m not capital casing it EVER) its gonna suck bad. Probably more than last year. I should write MTV and explain how they should stick to tradition and stay in New York (yup, capital cased that. why wouldn't I, its my birthplace.... ok ok I guess that’s why i’m a tiny bit bias) anyway the stage last year was too big with too many things going on. It was disgusting. Honestly it was horrendous anyway...

...That’s about all I have to say

Days Like This I Truly Miss Sayreville

i just came from the park "helping" Karina pass out flyers for her garage sell. actually i didn't even lay a finger on the flyers, in fact as soon as i got there i felt as if i wanted to run the other way. after a few minuites of sitting there staring into the main menu of my phone, i decided thats exactly what i would do. i no longer cared about the fact that i had just got there and it would look strange leaving so soon, i grabbed my brother and i left as fast as i could. if i could have ran i would have, exept my shoes had no backings to them. plus i was already annoyed by the sand in my shoes. as i sat there unable to think of why exactly i had come, or what exactly was i to do with myself, i felt that same feeling i had felt yesterday as i stodd awkwardly "talking" to jesse and yrwin. that same sense of wanting to suddenly run away. that same sense of how my perfect day, had been stolen from me. instead of stying where i know in fact i do not wish to be. i decided to run away. somthing i see ill be doing often. earlier i saw eric. with the addition of me already being overwelmed with emotions b/c of the book i was reading and my own life, i all of a sudden felt myself running ,almost, home. in fact i did "run" home, as i replayed emotions i had had during 6th grade that i had felt as if i was through with. i wouldn't say this was a bad day, for i did help one of my dearest friends with an issue that she had. **good luck*** but i will say it was an off day. i replay how it started. me tosing and turning with an aching leg. it ached so badly i was unsure of what exactly to do. my leg has never ached so bad. the fact that i woke up at 6:something and walked into my moms room seeking adice/help should have been plenty an explanation of what was to come of this day. so i sit here and instead of wanting to stay up for my nightly shows, i strongly just wish to sleep the remainder of this day away. Thanks.

Garage Sale at 106 Seaman Street on Saturday [New Stuff]

so today started out like any other day. i woke up late. realized i was hungry. went to get something to eat b/c i said to myself "your too triflin to get up and get something to eat that you could starve". i felt bad so i got up and ate something. then i was still hungry so i asked my mom to buy me and my brother Mc Donalds (which im still eating now). after that i felt kind of sick. i finished my book and started listening to music in slow motion.lol. i just realized you could do that so im doing it all the time until i get bored of it. anyway before i knew it it was 4:45 and time for me to get ready to get my brother to his footbal practise before 5:00. i got there at 5:something but was still early. so i sat and watched till my mom and Ms. Patty came and then i left to get a towel for Ms. Patty to sit on. after i returned with the towl i decided to go to Karinas house to get a book. As i was walkingto Karinas house i got stopped by (who i later found out to be one of karinas stalkers. i was right when i said whoever hangs around Karina would begin to get some of her stalkers . it happened to Ester and now its happening to me) anyway so he asked if i knew where rought one was and i told him i didn't. and so then he asked me if i needed a ride and i politely told him i didn't and walked slightly faster towards karinas house. (karinas later told me how the same man had been olowing her on her way to her house from thew gym.) While at Karinas house we decided to go to esters house to catch her family off guard forcing them to make us see ester. And thats when the story begins. Whenever i think of esters mom, like when iI imagine her, I always see her as this like witch (which after today i know why) I see her dressed in black with rosemary beads all around her neck and a pointy nose wiuth a wart on the top and a raspy voice. A voice who said when we finally got there "oh we're about to go to church[on a thursday] and so you cant see ester" which made no since. I imagine ester locked in some room filled with pictures of jesus on the cross and of mary (like in the movie Carrie[or however you spell it]) anyway we did catch her family off guard but tey didn't force ester out to see us. so as we walked away, our heads hung low, replayin what just happened in our heads , i came up with the greatest idea. an idea that not only would help advertise karinas garage sale, but also embarrass us along with Karinas little sister. so i took a flyer from Karinas hand and then waved it at the next car that came. we all started laughing (well me and karina did. karinas siter was utterly embarrassed). so we kept doing it. chasing after cars and people screaming at them "garage sale at 106 Seaman". then we realized it sounded kinda nasty (its all Karinas houses fault" and so we added street and before long we were saying everything on the paper " garage sell at 106 seaman street on saturday new stuff" we laughed and staggered like drunk teenage girls (kinda the way we always do) along Livingston avenue until we got to the library where we saw Juliet and Robert and Petra and this other white girl. we stood and talked to juliet. actually we joked and laughed like more drunk girls accompanied by a metro looking guy (sike roberts alll man ;)) anyway then we went into the laibrary and joked with my moms friend Ms. Kim like slightly quiet drunk girls accompanied by an older woman. after almost breaking the copy machine and making 5 copies ,one in which was kinda messed up. we left to walk to elmos house. we decided that we would finally stop embarrassing ourselves (only becuase it was too dark to) and so we decided to embarrass elmo. but sadly he wasn't there so we talked to his sister who was very excited abotu school starting and then we walked along remson ave. trying hard not to look like drunk girls b/c then people would really think we were and would have a reason to believe that we were. so we taped up some signs on some store windows and then walked towards karinas house. where we saw jesse and yrwin (who by the way didn't seem tooo eager to stand and talked to us. so I dismissed myself and walked home) so i started to walk home and then i saw this old spanish man who i used to see around rah rahs school and said hi to him and then he said hi and something else and he literally stood there for like 5 minuties watching me as i walked away. i kept looking back and seeing him still standin there. wow new brunswick is a crazy town. there must be something in the air.

...and thats all i have to say

OMG ONLY 15 MORE DAYS TILL ANISA IS HOME. WHOO HOO!!!!

Micheal

today i woke up in tears. not becuase i was sad but because i was thinking of sad things. i miss Micheal soo much. i haven't been able to replace him , which i doubt that i ever will...want to at least.so i substitute him with dreams, and poems. with drawings, and designs. but i still haven't got that feeling that i get after writing in him. thats since of release, sad but pleasant release. that release you hope to get from a good cry. but i never get it from that. Micheal was my reasoning, my place of reason, i let out all of my problems and i analyzed and solved them through tears and hope. Micheal was my place where i could talk about my feelings. Micheal was my friend, but the only one, out of all my friends, that i could really feel comfortable talking to. Micheal was there when i was suffocating in my dreams, when i was so unsure that all my dreams and aspiations seemed to bundle together into a web. he was the only person i truely honestly explained my dreams to.anyway, i had this dream, which i kind of dont want to talk about but i will. i think its all this THE GIVER that im reading.lol. ive always wanted to read it and now i finally am ....ok try to stay on topic. this is gonna be only one paragraph b/c.....ok im gonna stop procrastinating(like i always do in fact..)ok ok lol. so we were in like this program like RUB except all my friends were there. anyway and so somethig happened and something else happened afterthat. ok ok but im not teling you what happened, Im just getting to the point. anyway Karina was upset abot something so i went and i talked to her. and we started talking and all of a sudden it became like this counseling session. that when i think about it, when i do think about me and Karina sitting down and talking (which surprisingly we haven't yet. I dont even think I've even sat and talked to Anisa like that. like in full deep length as i have with Micheal) bbut anyway i ended up analyzing my need for attention. i always thought it was b/c i was a leo and thats what they say leos do. and they always make it seem like a bad thing so i try to ignore it everytime i do, or im effected about it. anyway we started talking about like when you have those days when your upset. and sometimes its just "Off Days", in which you just dont feel well, you dont feel up to things, your upset, and you truely honestly cant pinpoint exactly why, usually around the time your best friend comes.lol. anyway, and then those days when your upset about something and you know what it is but you dont want to admit to yourself that your upset about it or that you could be upset about it, and so you just pretend like you dont know what it is to make you feel better.(which it doesn't) anyway and so we started (well i stated) talking about the center of attention thing. and i realized that it wasn't just this need i have. it was b/c of what i have lacked. when people do give me attention or i feel like im in the center of attention, i feel like i matter, like for just one time i am better than someone else. all my life I've felt like there was always someone better than me, I mean my father found a whole different family that was better than the one he could have had with me and my mom, and i guess I've just been searching for that. anyway i started tearing up, and i told Karina that that was enough and that i had to go to the bathroom. lol.where i teared up some more until i finalkly opened up my eyes and wiped my eyes with the towel by my bed and then went to the bathroom. I didn't look in the mirror. but i did feel that feeling. that "Micheal feeling" (thats what im gonna call it from now on). i guess not only was my dream to let me find out more about myself, but also to realize Micheal wasn't the only one i could confide in. and maybe thats why i haven't been ab;e to start a "new" Micheal, b/c i want to move out of that phase and into another in which i can confide in the people who are truely there for me. one other feeling i remember feeling in my dream, was surprise, yea i guess thats the word. i was surprised that Karina was aone long enough for me to have a conversation with her.funny. I wish Jelly was home. i think its ONLY 16 MORE DAYS LEFT!!!!

..and thats all i have to say

um...back-to-school wardrobe

well i just finished cleaning/tidying my room. it feels as if im always having to clean it. like everyday i have to clean it. i dont know if thats normal, or if its just me and my room. but i guess cleaning a little everyday is more pleasant than cleaning a whole lot in one. its almost like eating. its better to eat small portions every hour than to just eat one big fat meal in one. anyway so now im typing on the computer. watching, well listening to the dive on fuse channel 56.lol. i love this show. it has all the latest indie/emo music and i love me indie/emo music. its my fravorite genre. i try very hard not to miss this show. anyway i was typing in the dark but then i thought of how it wouldn't be that great for my eyes. considering thats probably why....sorry had to adjust my seat. my finger was starting to hurt....sorry had to adjust my keyboard. my finger is still hurting. i guess its from being on the internet all day....anyway ill get back to that. getting back to what i was taking about b4.....oh yeah so i decided to turn on the light. but i dont like the light on that much. since my lights went off and i had to replace them with brand new light bulbs. so now its sooo bright in here. and i feel like im inside a giant ligtbulb. its like my room it attracting all these flying creatures. well its not that serious (im being dramatic again) butstill im killing far too many of God's creatures. i hope the light starts dieing down, and fast.

anyway today was a normal day. well mostly. ok yea it was normal. talked to jelly. talked to bananas. talked to mommy. talked to rah rah. pretty much everybody i care about. sike i love all you other guys too. anyway i noticed something. everyday for me has like this kind of theme. yesterday was like friendship. i hung with friends. supported friends. built friendships. rebuilt friendshsips. it was one of my happiest days this week. the day before was interior design. i was working on house blue prints and decorating ideas for my room. and the day b4, wait i think it was that day , anyway, was fashion. i was looking at fall collections. and design sketches. i sketched a few designs myself. i wanna continue working on that b/c i love fashion almost as much as music and interior design. i mean it might be something i want to pursue. along with interior design. i have also come to love real estate. i think it may be a cool perfession. mostly cause i just love homes. and finding the perfect home. and designing the perfect home. i like providing people with a place that they feel is their own. a place where they can relax. a place where they can love and be loved. a place...well a place like HOME. anyway back to my days. days before that i was working on my novel. ive kind of put it on old AGAIN. but now, to work on my other talents. im still not sure exactly what course i wish for my life to take...DAMN TELEVISION PROGRAMMING STATIONS. FUSE HAS GONE BLANK. WHERES MY DIVE? WHERES MY DIVE?....ok wow anyway at some point i thought i had had it all figured out. i thought i wanted to be and interior architect. since i kind of want to be an architect. and i want to be and interior designer. but then i realized that it wasn't the two professions combined. it was something different, alike, but different. so im back at interior design. i dont know. i just have these constant dreams/fantasies of something better. dreams/ fantasies ill never let ANYBODY know about. but still. in fact in RUB we had this like quiz/survey/something that my career class teacher gave us. it was a bunch of questions like if i had a million dollars i would ______, the one thing i admire the most about myself_____, if i was......OMG ITS BACK. AND MY FAVORITE DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE SONG IS ON. I KINDA LIKE THIS VIDEO.... if i was trapped in a burning building what would i take_____(i answered Tomas the III) and then they said i secretly wish to become _____ i answered it. but it brought tears to my eyes b/c its something i deal with constantly. what i truly want to be but dont have the guts to fulfill. b/c its almost as if im failing myself. which i guess i am.i couldn't even read that one question aloud to the class. i skipped over it. i said everything but that. why? b/c it hurt to much to admit it to people. though i guess i admitted it once. to you. on my blog. you guys pobably read it and didn't pay it attention. not understanding the signifigance of it. but to tell you the truth everything i put on here has a signifigance. um read my blog like understandingofme.blogspot.com um remember my other blog like betterunderstandingofme.blogspot.com. its al the same thing sweethearts. everything i say is for the sole purpose. anyway, you probably read it and didn't really care. but now that i think about it. i dont know why i put it up here. why i considered it sooo important. mabey because its one of my darkest secrets. and i dont reveal alot about myself. i tell you guys alot about me. but i dont tell you the important stuff sometimes. and when i do i mostly only do it when i know your not paying attention and when i know i can feel the satisfaction of leeting it off my chest without having to deal with the fact of people knowing. ive told more to you people about myself on this blog than to people ive met throughout the course of my whole life. msotly b/c like i said to feel that satisfaction of believing that ive changed.

ive never disgussed my father in detai to anyone. i i dont think i will ever again, expeccially face to face. and i think thats also the reason why i made the entry sooo long. b/c i know people get turned away from "large"reading. i think thats why i also posted it around the time when i wasn't really close with most of my friends. b/c there was a chance that they weren't reading my blog and they would totally miss it anyway. or they would, at that point in time, not care. i dont think ill ever talk about Mr. Vic. again. ive never really talked about my mom or things that have happened to her that i care to not think about. i never talked about why i hate my brothers father so much, except to aneysa allan. it was one day and we were comming from a trip and we just started talking about it. idk know how nor why. mabey because that was probably our only conection and i knew i could get it off my chest and not care later. i never talked about the period of time before i moved to new brunswick. or why i went from living in places like sayreville, south brunswick, even plainsboro (suburban towns) to places like new brunswick and irvington. italked about my past encounterings with other people and why it has made me the shattered person that im trying to glue back together today. but again it was at a time when people weren't paying that much attention. or they were and they just didn't care to help. either way i constantly reached out to people and didn't get feedback. i was thinking about that the other day. how i've just came out of one of my hardest periods since like 5th grade when i nearly reached a serious depression and the signs were there. all i had to do was put "depressed shattered human being" on my forehead and i'd be complete. and i was like screaming for someone to help me and no one was there........oh well. you get through things. you become stronger. you realize important lessons about others and you. the only people you can truly trust is yourself, God, and your family. and sometimes not even them. in fact sometimes not even yourself. either way God gets you through. like that poem that i LOVE. about the man and the beach and the footprints. some people think its lame but its the greatest thing ive ever read in a bathroom ever. ill post it later for those who dont understand what im talking about. but i got to rap it up. cause its getting kind of late and Dive is almost over. oh i love the futureheads.

anyway theres so many things. but i guess some day ill find it in me to be honest with my self. and open up to others.....ok i really need to rap this up so i can turn off the lights. i sware why did GOD make insects. i should have been there to tell him light and humans were enough....there i got him. i knew i wasn't paranoid. anyway omg i got soo off subject. omg omg omg BRIGHTEYES-FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE...I LOVE THIS SONG...anyway i haven't even talked about my day. ok. well today ive just been on the internet. (see i always get back to what i talk about. remember:guess its from being on the internet all day....anyway ill get back to that) (you must admit i talk alot but i always finsih hat i say) anyway so i was just searching different stores and clothing websites trying to put my back-to-school wardrobe together. i know my inspiration: casual vintage chic. i know im probably kidding my self but i'm happy. so i spent the day searching for vingtage 80's tees. and cargo pants. and messanger bags. im not sure about my budget but i know ive gone beyond it already in my mind. i got ot budget down.thats tommorrows theme.that or back to school supplies. or both. ok i officillay have to finish. im being driven crazy in my own room. and thats why i want to become an interior designer. .possiby. anyway....

...thats all i have to say

OMG OMG OMG

the whole song...with dancing bananas....this yellow thing...a strawberry...a super cat...a base ball bat...and a whole bunch of other things i ...words...music....backround....EVERYTHING.

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY

.......................................................................................................MY LIFE.....OFFICIALLY........COMPLETE

....oh yeah and its still ironic

http://www.clappingfetus.com/Flash/peanutbutterjelly.html

...and thats officially all that i have to say

GOOODNIGHT

Omg It Is Peanut Butter Jelly Time with Bananas

omg look what i found.....its peanut butter jelly time with dancing bananas...how ironic.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/banana.php

Bananas

today was a great day. i spent most of the day with karina. we went to nabors house to watch this movie. it was a cool movie but i enjoyed being around my friends more. nabor (of course) was there, along with yrwin , elmo, roy came and armando came aftwer everything was finished. it would have been sooooooo great if jelly could have been there but i just hope shes making the best of tenn. anyway after the movie i walked with karina to hwer house and we hung out for a while there. it was so fun walking home. we probably looked like a bunch of drunk teen girls who drag their brothers along to their debauchery (though once in my life my brother wasn't with my-thank god for football). we were just walking along laughing and joking about everything. i love being around my friend, whether its karina, or anisa or even ester, we always find something to laugh about. we walk around with our inside jokes not really caring how others think of us. we are just having fuun and living life to the fullest. i hated the small period of time when things were "weird" between me and karina. we are too close to let bullshit come in the way. today was a classic, shanae and karina day. full of insane laughter, weird, "short but meaningful", nonsense stories. bananas (ha i know how to spell bananas now-i love you gwen stefani) and me are one of a kind friends. i cant wait till jells comes home from tenn. and hopefully her mom lets them move, if not oh well, we will still find a way to have fun. i just want to spend the rest of the summer with my friends. having fun. i really miss ester. every now and again i call her house hoping that this time mabey she will answer the phone. bananas we really need to visit her. i wonder what ester could be. jam?

....thats all i have to say

post script:

It's peanut butter jelly time, (its what)

peanut butter jelly time, (its what)

peanut butter jelly time (peanut butter jelly time)

Now,Where he at

Where he at(i dont know)

Where he at

Where he at (i dont know)

There he go

There he go (who that is?)

There he go

There he go (who that is?)

Peanut butter jelly (doing what?)

Peanut butter jelly (doing what?)

Peanut butter jelly (doing what?)

Peanut butter jelly (come on doin' the)

Do the peanut butter jelly, (do the)

peanut butter jelly, (do the)

Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat (uh huh)

peanut butter jelly, (do the)

peanut butter jelly,(do the)

Peanut butter jelly with a football jacket (yea)

Happy Birthday Mommy!

today was a good day. though, i feel kind of bad for getting my brother in trouble just now. he was looking forward to watching spiderman. then we started horsing around and he kicked my door. then he got in trouble and then sent to bed. but im sure he will get over it by tommorrow. anyway today is my moms birthday. im not going to disclose how old she is. she is not 40 yet but kind of close.lol. anyway this morning i tried my best in avoiding her, not b/c i had forgotton (b/c i did remember)and not because i had not gotten her a card and a present (b/c i had, when anisa and sergio [i dont know how to spell his name but you know who im talking about] were downtown). its just that i was nervous that she wouldn't like the card and present. the card i knew she would find cute but i was not sure about the present. i had brought her this shimmer vanella thing, b.c i knew she liked shimmer things and she had a bounch of vanella smelling products already. but although i knew she would use it, i wasn't as sure that she would like it. i dont have a job so i couldn't buy her this big expensive thing, and even though, if i didn't spend any of the money she gave me for like one week and saved it up(which would make it like a hundred and something dollars cause my moms always giving me money), i have horrible bugeting skills and i would spend it all on books and chinese food.

so anyway my mom woke me up (well not really cause i was just laying in bed) so i could go to the doctors for my shot and so rah rah could get his physical for footballand his new school hes going to attend. so i got dressed, said happy birthday to my mother (though i didn't give her her present ) and wewere off. rah rahs experience at the doctors was rather pleasant, mines on the other hand. well lets just go back to eigth grade i think it was, when the nurses were giving out shots.

**extra info** i am kinda terrified of shots.

well actually its more a needle phobia then a shots one**extra info**

anyway, to make a long story short, they had to hold me down, push my face the oposite direction, and give me the shot that way (althe while im in tears). this time it wasn't as dramatic,yet, of course with me there has to some kind of dramatic parts to it. well, it took about five minuites to give me the shot, with all my crying, flinching, and refusing to look the other way. but finally i got the shot. b ut i sware i could fill the liquid spilling through my vains and five minuites later it was still hurting. my mom told me i was dillusional, and then after rah rah got his "examination", we were headed home. oh yea, and i think i saw malanie there, the one from my theatre class, but i'm not sure. like i said to my mom, i couldn't really see her in my blind haze, she passed that invisible line of visiblility. all you blind people would know what im talking about.

so then after we got from the doctors my mom gave me 20 dollars to get my nails done. they were looking pretty ragget cause even though their crystal wraps i still found a way to bite them. i officially have a nail biting problem.

ME-Hi my name is Shanae and I am a onychophagiac

GROUP- Hi Shanae

anyway so it was funny when i got there the little spanish lady who looked like someones mom but i'm sure she wasn't. let me not say anymore...she greeted me with a smile and i smiled back and then she looked at my nails (which weren't that bad considering i haven't gotten them done in a while b/c of how lazy i am. and she ind of frowned, and i'm pretty sure of it. anyway after i got them done, i almost messed up the paint job lol, then i went home. oh wait im not finished with the nail salon. i have to pick a better day to go. anyway why do girls get all dressed up to get their nails done. these to spanish girls came in there, one with this super short skirt and her shirt rolled up then the other with these super tight pants and her shirt rlled up. skanks. oh shit that just fell out. im sorry....and then these white girls came in with some short stuff though nothing compared to what the spanish girl with the short skirt had on. at that moment i wished anisa wasn't alll the wayyyy in tenn. oh my god, anisa if your reading this. remeber when we went down town and we went in the 2 dollar store.lol.aka. anyway and we saw that horrible skirt that was like two inches long but had all this lacey material at the bottom to make it "longer". thats what she had on,but instead of it being white like the one we saw it was in pink. she would have been better with white since nothing that she had on other than the skirt was pink. in fact everyting else that she had on was whie.anyway...

so after i got my nails done my mom picked me up with McDonalds and we went home. then she called me int her room and was like

"where is my card and present you said you brought me, you liar"

lol and so i went into my room and pulled it out. and gave it to her. i tried to advertise the present to make it sound all great and stuff like a car sellsman trying to sell someone this crappy used car. and she loed it. surprisingly she loved it. she said how she loves simple gifts. and how it was something she would definitly used unlike other gifts she usually recieves. and she thought the card was cute. it read something like:

i know raising me wasn't always easy (or something like that)(lol) but cheer up

{then you flip the card} i could have been twins (or something like that)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

anyway then we relaxed in our rooms and at five we took rah rah around the corner to the park over by my house that i had never known was there, for his football practice. after getting everything set up so he coud practice, my brother chickened out. like i had in the doctors office, scratch the crying, and the flinching, but he did refuse. and so we stood there for five minuites just trying to get him to play football. then finally i told my mom i was going to walk to barns and nobels. oh yea and i saw ryan there, this boy from my geometry class, he was kinda cool. anyway and so i walked to barnes and nobels. on the way i stopped by an icee truck and got some rainbow icee that didn't look like rainbow. omg in facti think i asked for bubble gun instead when i meant to ask for rainbow. stupid stupid *slaps forhead* lol and so i called karina to see if she wanted to hang with me but her father needed her to do something, i forgot, so she couldn't come. lol, i remember telling her how half of my icee had fell on the floor and how it didn't look or taste like rainbow. lol, karina, now we know why. so i walked to barnes and nobels and i stopped by the mini mall by McDonalds and Popeyes and all that so i could buy something to drink. then i finally got to barnes and nobels and i felt kind of refreshed i hadn't walked that mch in a while. and so i looked around and found some cool books. i sat and read this book called Ttyl By Myracle Lauren. a few other books i found were:

Dumb Love By Johnson Kathleen
Ttyl By Myracle Lauren
Theories Of Relativity By Haworth-attard
Cut By Mc Cormick Patricia
Sticky Fingers By Burnham Nikki

anyway, i had fun, i brought this book caled Monster by Walter Dean Myers. About this African American boy who is about to go to jail for life on a count of felony murder or something. and i ate some marshmellow rice treats. and then my mom picked me up. and she went to the supermarket for some stuff to make the beef stew. then we got home and she started on the beef stew and i helped peal the potatoes and carrots and then we ate cake and now im on the computer writing about what a great day i had. though, i feel kind of bad for getting my brother in trouble just now. he was looking forward to watching spiderman. then we started horsing around and he kicked my door. then he got in trouble and then sent to bed. but im sure he will get over it by tommorrow. anyway today is my moms birthday....Woah a vicious circle.COOL.LOL....

...AND THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY

Nine Inch Nails- Hurt

im still on hiatus. well because i have nothing to talk about. and i still need time. just wanted to post this song. mostly to sum up my feelings and because its been the only thing keeping me i dont know its special. though many of you might not understand, some may know who im talking about but not why anyway...its like my Thomas (I, II, III, IV, V, VI, and VII) well actually I, II, III, and IV. there the only ones i actually used for this purpose. you may not understand. and never will b/c i doubt you really care to ask and i doubt i care to tell. well im finished with that. here.

Nine Inch Nails- Hurt


I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

...and thats all i haveto say

Hiatus

I think I may want to go on a small hiatus. I'm not feeling up to writing in here that much. Though, no one really reads anything that I write here anyway. I don’t even know why I'm writing this cause no ones going to read it. I think for the rest of the summer, I'm just going to stay at home and work on becoming a better person. Something tat others might want to think about but.... Anyway, with Anisa leaving, there isn't anyone I would really like to hang out with here. I mean I don't know what is up with Karina.... Anyway, so I'm going to stay at home and work on being the person I want to be. I have been saying to my self how I need to take time for my self and stop trying to be there for everyone one else. I mean, when I need people to be there for me, where were they? Nowhere. I need to work on being a happy person and I cant do that when I have people around me that just aren't the best people to be associating myself with. I need time to think about my life. I'm beginning to get that ever-growing need for change again. I don’t feel like moving. I can't move away from the things that make me uncomfortable. I need to learn how to deal. When I come out, things will be different. People grow and change, sometimes for the good and in some cases some for the bad, crazy and desperate. Wow. Being away, I started to change and now I just need to set aside time to finish. I love you all, even those who doubt me as a friend. Just knowing that there is no way that I could do what “a certain someone” has done to me, makes me feel better. I don’t care about what you think of me or what you "think" I've done. Sometimes instead of pointing out all the wrong others have done to you, you may want to point out all the wrong you have done to others. A true friend would care about her other friends (old and new). I just hope that I have never done what others have done to me. I hope I never put someone in front of supposed friends. Right now all we have is each other, and “some people” might want to think twice before (excuse my language) “shitting” on supposed friends. Knowing that somewhere along the line I may have done “something” to hurt others and that I am ready to analyze and the take the blame for my actions is what keeps me happy and what helps me wait for a day when you wont have to question me. I'm not like other people, though you may doubt it, I do care. And if you keep treating me the way you do, you may lose the only person who really does honestly care.

...And, as of now, that’s all I have to say

Just A Thought About Our Friendship

"Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache: do be my enemy for friendship's sake." - William Blake,

Merlin

Today I saw Merlin, my old friend from Sayreville. I haven't spoken to her since the Christmas of 2002, I think. Merlin and me used to be so close when I lived in Sayreville. But after I moved so many things were going on that we kind of lost touch. After we left Sayreville, we needed time to get ourselves back together and time passed me by. It's crazy how things change, people, places, etc. I could barely recognize her the way she’s changed and she could barely recognize me. She’s so much skinnier than I remember and her hair is kind of longer. The only reason I remembered her was because of her face and her voice. Its crazy cause the only reason she stopped was to ask if I had worked there or something. I think it was just a way to get a conversation going so that she could remember who I was. Thinking about it now, if she hadn't done that we would have passed by each other and I would forever be wondering what happened to her. I had a dream the other day that I went back to Sayreville and I was searching for her and she was dead. It kind of scared me. I mean dreams have meanings and how can you decode a dream like that. Many ways, now that I think of it but…Anyway, so she asked me if I worked there and then was about to leave when I asked if she was Merlin. And she was like yea but still couldn't remember who I was, so I helped her along. But after everything (she asked where I lived now, we said our goodbyes) I was left thinking how I should have asked her for her phone number, or where she lived, or how she was doing. It was such an awkward situation, so fast, and just out of place. It was as if our lives just crashed into each other, like a car crash. I remember when I saw the movie Crash and how they said how people might just crash into each other just so they can feel that there is someone else there o for relief or something. And I guess that’s what happened today. I needed to know that the people that I’ve left behind were ok. I just wish…Now that I think of it, what would I have done with a number and an address? I mean I'm not that good with staying in touch. I've left so many "best friends" along the way and what’s the point. I’m just happy to know that she is alive and well.

Thoughts on Paranoia, Friendship, Gossiping, and everything else I have included in this one entry

How are we supposed to live our lives when we are being constantly faced with such issues as our own paranoia? There is no way in hell that a person can live life to the fullest if she/he is always worried about "people out to get her/him". This is something that we face everyday. America’s paranoia leads us to wars and nationwide hatred of another. Imagine what it can do to a tight knit group of friends. I'm so beyond worried that our friendships will crash and burn b/c of rumors and fear. Everyone’s afraid of being alone. Everyone’s afraid of what another has to say (I truly honestly believe that). A person who feels that he/she couldn't care less of what others think or believe about him/her is fooling his/herself. We all care b/c that’s part of who we are. It’s one of the bases of society. And anyone who claims that he/she is not affected by society is lying to his/herself. Anyway, let me get to the point. I have been away for quite a while and when I come back it seems as if all these issues are just appearing out of thin air. Issues that have been bothering us for quite a long time. I’ve made a vow to myself that I will never let myself get so bothered over the actions of others, like I did the other day.

I honestly scared myself seeing the way I was acting. I’ve realized that I'm going to stop calling people my best friends b/c when it comes down to it...no one has best friends. Well not entirely. Ok I’m going to contradict myself here. Friends go through things, whether they’re your "best" or not. When I think of a "best friend" I think of a friend who is just soooo extra special to you that he/she becomes the "best". The title "best friend" doesn't change anything though. There is still back stabbing, still unreliability, still lying and rumors, still everyday worries that face two friends. The "best" part of it just means that it will hit you harder. For a long time I didn't understand why it hurt so much when Karina said she couldn't spend my birthday with me. But now, right at this moment, I understand. It's because I consider her my "best friend". It's because she’s that special to me. That with any other friend I might have not cared as much but because it was her, it hurt so much more. And most of my other friends are guys, pretty much all of them except Teresa, Anisa, and ester. And so they wont understand as much. But between that, and my already emotional woman part of me, it hurt soooo badly. Like someone repeatedly stabbing me, sending me back to every single time something like that happened between me and her and any other person as well. But I understand. And I guess its ok to become upset b/c that just shows me how much that person means to me. Like when you hate someone. That person has to mean something to you enough to hate. Because hate consumes and I mean that person better mean something for you to let something like hate consume you.

Ok, I see that I got lost in my topic. Hate to say it but prewriting does work. Lol. Ok. Back to the issue at hand. Paranoia (I kind of like the topic). I'm extremely worried that this is going to ruin my friendship with others. Just people thinking that people are out to get them and that people are talking about them behind their backs. Ok let me face that right now. Everyone talks about everyone behind his or her backs. Everyone. And I think its stupid because we get sooo worked up when someone does it to us. But the same person who is "talking behind your back" is usually the same person you've been "talking about behind their backs". Because obviously you had to be talking about them behind their back to know from someone else that they were talking about you. It’s a freaking vicious cycle. And I’m not sure if you’re really getting my logic. Sorry Anisa but I’m using you as an example. Say Anisa has been talking about me behind my back. And I talk to Karina and she tells me what’s being said and everything. I know like everyone else I’m going to have some words for Anisa. And at that moment and time I going to voice everything that I’ve been thinking bad about Anisa up to that point. And now what am I doing "talking about someone behind their backs". Now I’m being a hypocrite b/c I’m doing the same thing that this person has done, that I have deemed as being wrong, less than two seconds after I’ve heard about it happening. It’s a vicious cycle, that when you think about it, is extremely immature. And its sad because grown ups do it too. And most of us want to be mature and stuff like this is what keeps us immature. I just think we should all leave this childish "he said she said" alone. I understand it may never happen but as long as we are trying to it can happen. Besides everyone know its not right to lie. And gossiping is pretty much like lying. You are distorting the truth about someone else for usually your own amusement or your "concern". Nothing good comes out of gossiping. It just hurts more people. And furthers insecurities that are later fed by paranoia leaving that person thinking that everyone is out to get her/him. It’s stupid, and it should stop before people get hurt. Plus I know that I’d rather the person consult me if there are being lies being spread that I was “talking about someone behind their backs”.

…And I guess that’s all I have to say

Carnival

Even with the undependability of others, I was able to make the best out of my day. It ended up being Armando, Anisa, my brother, and me but even with the four of us, I feel we still had fun. Though there were a few mishaps, I still had quite a lot of fun. Today I learned not to let unreliable, irresponsible people come in the way of my happiness. It takes a lot to hold on to it, and by letting it go just because someone didn't have the decency to care to comply to the simplest of request: coming along with me as I celebrate a day extremely special to me, would only leave me being as unreliable and irresponsible as my "friends". My happiness is the most important thing to me and I shouldn’t let it go astray because of the lack of courtesy in others. In the end there will always be a couple of people with kind hearts who can appreciate me and put aside the things "that come up" to be decent friends and care about your feelings. Out of every occurrence comes a moral or lesson. As carefully as I might think I choose my friends, there is always room to be even more careful. Though, sometimes people really do have things that come up. But for those in which their undependability becomes a reoccurring thing and for those who make it blatantly clear that they don’t care, I don’t need you or anyone like you in my life. But for those who put aside what they had planned (and its obvious of who I’m talking about) I just want to say thank you.

...And that’s all I have to say

Oh wait…
Love you Armando and Anisa thanks for being there and being true friends! Thanks Abby for trying to come and checking up on me afterwards to see if my day went fine. Thanks to Jesse for I guess...um... "trying to come" and thanks to Yrwin for at least "trying to come". At least you both tried and/or gave it some thought. Thank you Karina, even though I haven't seen you most of my summer or even have talked to you for most of my summer, you still remembered it was my birthday and called and woke me up to make sure you told me happy birthday. I really do appricatiate it. And even though you didn't make it to my get together party hopefully we'll find time and get together. Catch up or something...and that’s about all. I might go again tomorrow to go on the rides we didn't get a chance to go one. Tell you about that when and if it ends up happening.

...And now that’s all I have to say

Oh sorry, one last thing....
Today I also learned to not hold grudges. Girls do that way too much and I think that’s why boys think we are crazy and other girls consider us to be catty. Holding a grudge is not healthy. It’s like hating a person. It consumes you until you have nothing left but that grudge/hate. I'm sure God doesn't want us holding grudges. He wants us to be happy. And from what I've figured out, holding a grudge will never make you happy, it just furthers your sadness. Sometimes it's best to just learn to move on and look for the positive. Remember optimistic people always triumph over pessimistic people. At least I think so...oh wait here’s a better one. Good always triumphs over evil. The good guys always beat the bad guys. What’s love got to do with it? Put family first...ok ok i’m kind of going on a tangent. I’m so irrelevant right now. Lol. I think it might be time to shut up and go to bed. People keep IMing me anyway and it’s like 1:46pm ok ok its not "like" it actually is.lol. Ok now I know I have to go to bed. It’s not healthy staying up this late.ok ok

...And now that’s really all I have to say

Its My Birthday!!

i feel so overwelmed with emotions. todays my birthday (im finally 15) and also the end of upward bound. i have changed so much for the better. i feel like a new person. i honestly think that this year (my 15th year) will be my best. i mean i love the number five. in fact the last great year of my life was when i was 5 y/o. i keep thinking abut how much im gonna miss RUB. ive learned so much about myself and about others and about who i want to be . im gonna miss Shakila,Laura and Aneika the most. i haven't had a group of friends like them since like second grade. during seventh grade i hung out with Ashley and them but we weren't really close. but me Shakila, Laura, and Anieka have grown to be very close friends. Shakila is like the sister i never had. we both are Leos. GO LEOS! and she is like the person i want to be. wen i grow up i wanna be like Shakila.lol. i mean, when i got into Upward Bound it became even more obvious how shy i was when meeting people. and how unwilling i was to meet people and be myself.
my greatest goal was to come out my shell. to learn how to be myself with out asking questions. lke i said Shakila is like who I'd like to be. Who i am sometimwes when im not carign about what other ppl are saying. i mean when ppl a certain idea of how you are they try to prevent you from changing. but people have to change they can't stay the same forever. for exampla: it feels as if karina is a whole different person. and im not the only one who feels like that. but now that i think of it, she has to change. we all cant stay our immature selves forever. we all are changing. hopefully for the best. if we are changing for the worst we'll try to help that person (though i have to admit some of us are more stubborn then others) but no matterthe reaction or the feelings ll get if someone were to tell me how im changing for the worst, i still feel ill appriciate my friends for telling me. anyway these few days i feel i have come parshially out of my shell. he most evident example of this is last night at the party. i had promised my self tooo many times that i wasn't gonna go home without dancing at atleast one of the parties. dancing is a huge part of me (probably as much as singing is) and it kills me sometimes when i have to eel like im hiding that. b/c of course then im not being myself. which is what i want to do more than ever. anyway i danced my ass off yesterday. and what made it even greater was that i didn't have someone like Karina or Anisa there. it was all me. i did it. i didn't feed off of the energy of one of my best friends and i didn't depend on anyone to be my inspiration. i was my own inspiration. which i haven't been for quite some time. i feel so much like a new person. i still have some time but im getting there. im working on it. im motivated. ive set my traget and all that stuff that i earned in carreers and college ed prep about goal setting and acomplishment and stuff.
upward bound has just been a great great experience. meeting new people. having parties. he fashion show. the basket ball games. i remeber watching my friends play basketball in like the dark. the nly light being from the stadium. seeing them pant and sweat and hardly seeing thei fast moving bodies. how when they weren't right close to the light how the just looked like black figures under the purplke sky. i remember the parties and the dancing. when Boom and Gabe got too much then they coud handle. oh and all the subliminals. oh and how Keeba (i dont remeber how to spell her name lol) broke who ever it was.oh and how b4 the drama, when shakila and jeff were cool. how jeff broke shakila on the wall. that was funny. and i remeber the fashion show. and how it was smelling like old period and fish. that is still funny. and all those breakfasts a, lunches, and dinners that we just sat and talked and threw out mad subliminals abotu everybody. omg im gonna miss Aneika and her crazy expressions and gesters. and her grabbing the butter knifes and scratching walls. omg tat was so funny. im gonna miss the music blaring in the dorms oh and the tunnes. oh and how we tried to sneak the boys in our dorm through the tunnels. omg that was wild. omg i really need to post pictures. i got mad pictures from RUB.
im kinda happy to be home but im going to miss RUB soo much. i dont know what i want to do the rest of the summer. i just know this is probably my best summer yet. i kinda dont want to be over karinas house the rest of the summer. sometimes i just want to hang at my house. too bad other people dont.maybe karina will ask if she can hang out at my house. i kinda doubt it but whatever.anisas going to leave for tennesee so i wont see her as much. and i wont have anyone to hang out with and talk to . im gonna be soo alone for the rest of the summer.lol. oh wait i do kinda have jesse. speaking of jesse he hasn't even wished me happy birthdasy. silveria was the first one who wishedme happy birthday at exactly 12:00. karina even wished me happy birthday iand i haven't talked to her all week., teresa even wished me happy birthday and the last time ive talked to her was on her b-day. even marcos called. and ihaven't seen him in forever. he offered to take me out to eat and everything since he might not be able to make it on friday. i just want to han with my friends. i have only a little more simmer left and im ready to spend it with at leat most of my friends. I'M JUST SO FREAKIN HAPPY!!LOL

..and thats all i have to say lol

omg i didn't know how much i love this song. im sitting here in the computer lab crying.lol. i look crazy but i love this song and theres no doubt that many of you do too. soo here it is.

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

RUB

im kinda upset b/c todays the fashion show and im in it and i kinda wanted my friends to come but i haven't had a chance to call and ask. i doubt karina could come anyway but it would have been kinda cool to have anisa here. i just called my mom yesterday at like 11 something to ask if she wanted to come. im mad at myself for doing everything last minuite. i just been kinda tiredcause ive been ....nvm lol but ive been going to sleep late.between the essays i got to write and my chemistry that im doing good in but not getting my homework in on time, i just been busy. next week is the last week of the program and im gonna miss t so much. i think im comming back next year. it would be cool if karina could come too but i really doubt it. cause i dont think her parents would let her live on ampus. and its no point in me wanting her t come if shes gonna e a commuter cause we dont see any commuters.so it will be like shes not there anyway. maybe her parents will let her stay on campus but i think that will take a miracle. i cant wait though to come back. though. compared to the other years its not all that but still its still kinda fun. lol the seniors went on strike today. they came in all late, like 15 of them.lol it was so funny cause no one paid them any attention. they are kinda sick of the way they have been treated. last year the seniors got privilages. they got a whole floor to themselves and ot to stay up to like whenever. and they got to have different things just for them but this year its fucked up. i hope it changes by the time i become a senior (if Upward Bound is still here by then).

Dad

i dont really know what i am going to do after my brithday and RUB is over. im kinda trying to avoid thinking about it. i've been thinking alot about myself and where i come from. it makes me sooo sad to know that i realy dont know myself. im like iterally lost and ve been lost for sooo long....i miss my dad (wow where did that come from) i guess i have always missed him but i never let mysef admit it. i always though that its normal, alot of ppl live without their dads. but lately it just been hurting. i guess it always has hurt. i dont know how i feel about him. i mean i havent seen or heard from hi in sooo long. i never realize how much its hurted all these years or how much its effected me. i remeber when i was little i loved my dad sooo much. i loved everything that i could find out about him. i loved anything about my that reflected him in anyway. but now i dont know.. i remember when i was three. my mom used to babysit and she always used to tell me how much i looked like my dad. b/c most ppl always commited on how much me and her look alike and how much we sound alike and everything. i remember her telling me one day how i didn't have a butt like hers. how i had one like my dad. i was soo happy and excited (why i dont really know) i just ran out to the back yard where all the kids were and i just yelled "i got my daddy's butt i got my daddy's butt" over and over again.lol...i remeber my mom used to take me to visit him at his store. and i would spend the day with him. and i would hang out with him at his store and he would take pictures of me. (actually i dont know if he did or if i just remember him doing it) but anyway i rember him have a black car i think. and when we were done he would driveme to nana christy's house where my mom would be.i never understood how important those visits were until now. i guess if i had i would have tried my best to remember everything about him. how he smells, how he sounded, how he looked....a few years ago my mom asked me why i kept everything. i thought about it and i guess its b/c we were always moving and so i wanted to remember everything about my times at where we were living. i haven't forgotten my friends but i dont speak tothem at all since i left. and i guess thats why i was soo worried about moving to irvington. i was sure i would forget karina and anisa and ester and all my friends here.not that i would forget them but that i would never hear from them again. karina alsways used to try to assure me that that wouldn't happen but i knew it would and i still know that when time comes for us to move our seprate ways im going to lose contact with them like i have with most of my friends. pearl is my best friend. she was as close tome as karina is . probably closer. and thats what scares me. i hardly even talk to her now. i think i haven't talked to her since like last year. so im trying ot keep as many memories as i could. but really i dont thik thast the whole reason.i think its more cause i dont remeber my dad. i dont remeber how he smeled or how he sounded or how he even looks. and it hurts me soo much. hes such a big part of me and i cant even remeber how he looks.....ive always loved him soo much nd rewarded him for things he probably didn't even do. i remember when i was like 8 or 7. yea i thin i was 7. i got two doll houses one from my mom and one from my dad. i remember oe was ok. it was funto play with but compared to the other one it was like ok. my other one was sooo cool. it was like this lego thing. it took my moths to put it together. the house came like hollow. you had the put the legos in. and design the house and weverything (that may be why i like interior designing now) i had it set up in the living room and i would go sit on the couch (the same one we have now. i think ive had that counch since i was like 6. it was newer then of couse. in fact it hadn't satrted looking the way it does till like recently. b/c it looked really knew till like we moved it to irvington and the movers messed it up. b/c my mom takes good care of her stuff. she always told me that you should only have to buy something once. if you take good care of it then you wont have to keep buying it over and over again. i mean only recently have i been allowed to even sit on it. cause when i was groeing up there was no need to be sitting on the couch messing up the lether with my jean when i had my own room that i could play in. and ive always had me own room soo...)anyway i would sit on the couch and work so hard on that doll house. i loed it so much. mostly b/c it was fun. and also b/c i thought my dad brought it for me. i had finally finished it arond the time my mom was having her baby shower for my baby brother who was about to be born (aka bad ass rahrah lol). anyway i was soo proud and i had it in my room. but why did my little cousin (my real little cousin whos actually realated to me) he smashed it and i had to throw it away. i was sooo hurt. so angry. sooo upset. plus it was the only doll set that my dad "brought " me. but later i found out it was the one my mom brought me and the "ok" one was the one my dad brought me. but till this day i still felt like he did. even thogh i know he didn't buy it for me i like ot remember him buying i anyway......lol i remeber hating radio shop b/c of my dad.lol. i remeber i went to new york to stay with my nana christy (shes adopted family) b/c my bro was being born. and i used to ride bies with my cousina and i had my first summer romance then. omg he was sooo cute, i think he was kinda puerto rican. i dont remeber. i know he was lght skinned. and ok let me pause from talking about my father. ok so i guess i kinda knew him from a while since i was like three. i owuld see them around. i never really liked them. i remember i was riding my bike that summer and that lttle hepher of his sister pushed me off or something. and so then i told my cousina and she tld the girls mom and i dont think the girl got in troble. but we did end up being friends. i stated hanging out with the kids that lived on the block. i remeber one day i came out and his siter started pulling my arm. teling me that there was a surprise for me. and i was like "um ok"lol and so she led me where a couple of the kids were and where he was. (omg when i think about it i get that feeling of shyness and embaressment just like when it happened) lol ok so that was the summer that Nicole Rays -"Make it hot" came out. (and i think thats why i went out and brought the album too) anyway and so they had written the lyrics on this biggie poster. and he like performed it for me. thinking about it . it was so adorable.ok and so i gess we went out that summer but then i had to leave and so that was over.lol......ok back to my father and why i hated radio shack (thats what it's called...lol radio shop ok) anyway so i used to ride around with my cousin on our bikes. my dads shop was like just right around the corner from where my nana christy lived and so i would we would ride over there to buy candy and stuff. and so then one day i was looking for my daddys shop and it wasn't there. all i saw was this new radio shack there. so i thought that my dads store had gotten sold to radio shack and radio shack was the reason why it wasn't there anymoe. and so i just assumed that that was th reason i adn't been able to see my father for all that time. so i decided to boycott radio shack. i hated radio shack sooo much. i refused to go their to buy anything. i didn't even like seeing it or hearing the name "radio shack" lol. but later i found out it wasn't radio shacks fault.lol. and so i started going there again. but ive stll never bought anything from there.lol...anyway i think the last time i heard from my father was on the phone when i was 8. i dont think i even recognized his voice when i heard it. he such a big part of me. he has had a great influence on how i see boys. i think thats why i dont mess with black boys that much. b/c ive seen how my dad left me and my mom. i remember when i was six, thats when i decided i was never going to marry a black man. and being that young my reason as b/c i didn't want to have a baby and be left all alone to care for it like my mom had to with me. seeing my mom struggle all these years to provide for me by herself has made me view men in a very different life. i dont hate guys. i just dont want to get hurt like my mom did. thoguh i understadn anyone and everyones capable of hurting you....when i was little and i used to get hit for doing something bad i remeber crying and calling out to my mommy. my mm alsways said how she didn't understand why i was crying out to her when she was the one who was punishing me. i remeber i tried calling out to my dad but after a while it didn't feel right. like whats the point. what could he do. i mean he wasn't there. my mom has aways been the only dad ive ever known and i love her for that. she has been the only one i coud len on and the only one i could call on. shes been the only one i could talk to and the only one who knows me good enough to know how to push my buttons. the only father figure ive ever had that was actually a male was Mr. Vic. and thast why i hurted so much when e died. i remeber thinking would i be this sad if someone told me that my father died. theni thought of how my father could be dead now and i wuldn't even know. i guess it would hurt. not b/c of what we had but what we didn't have and what we would never have. though Mr. Vic isn't that special either. hes hurt my mom also. after he died my mom was torn and i think its been like a month and shes still hurtin. i remember a few weeks ago she told me to never get involved with someone like Mr. Vic b/c it would only end up hurting me. how men, when they have someone who is smart and intelligent and nice and has their best interest on hand they always leave for some whore who just wants them for what they have. how they figure you'l always be ther and thats why they can treat you how ever and still expect you to love them. my mom told me how this guy had poposed to her b4 i was born. he was smart and had something going for him but instead my mom went for my dad. not once though did my mom seem like she regretted it. and i love her for that. she said she doesnt regreat anything that shes done b/c its left her with me and my brother and im sooo thankful for that. God has a reason for everything and im happy for that.... all my life its been me and mom and even though i miss my dad. i kinda like it this way

...and thats all i have to say