Inspiration

I remember in eighth grade, becoming so inspired by Benjamin Franklin and his strong desire to learn. Just being inspired by someone who had barely anything, whose constant search for a form of education was the only thing that was able to truly feed his soul; feeling quite disappointed in myself for being awarded with all the tools to "truly feed my soul" and not using it entirely to my advantage. But now I am in tenth grade, and I am now inspired by someone who is truly inspirational...my true forefather...Frederick Douglass. A person with nothing but the chains in which he was held back with. A person who is far more relatable than say Mr. Franklin. A person whose achievements could be argued far greater than that of Benjamin Franklin. A person enslaved by the same kind of people who enslaved my ancestors. A person whose hardships have given me some light to that of my ancestors. Just by reading his autobiography, I have received a more detailed look into the inhumane treatment of my ancestors...my people. I have received a look into the savagery and barbarity of slavery. Oh my god I am so passionate about this subject (as you can tell by my use of vocabulary words. I only bring them out when I'm talking about something I find important and am extremely passionate about). Just reading about the experiences he has experienced and the horrid images and sounds he has been exposed to, has opened my mind and heart. I remember hearing like examples of the songs slaves would sing in movies or documentaries and being uplifted. But now my heart is just saddened, thinking about it all. Just thinking about how those songs were songs of people, my people, in despair. Those were songs of deep sorrow and depression. Oh my god my heart feels so heavy and yet it also feels like its creeping up my throat. To think I can barely go on thinking about it, imagining it. My ancestors were so strong, so strong to withstand such horrid treatment and I, compared to them, am so weak. I remember one day I was watching Degrassi and Emma was watching something about the solar system and just started crying b/c she felt so small in such a big universe and I have always wondered how it felt. Though I know that I am just this tiny spec in such a big solar system, I am unable to truly grasp the idea. But right now I think I feel something that closely resembled the feeling that Emma felt, that overwhelming feeling of feeling so small, so unimportant, and so weak. That’s how I feel compared to my ancestors. I have and will never have to go through any of the horrible experiences that my ancestors have had to go through, and to that I am so grateful. But now I feel unimportant, what can I possibly do that is as important as my ancestors and makes me worthy of bearing my last name? I don’t really feel important enough to bear the name Terrell, or to have the McKee or Wimbush blood running through me. I feel as if I cannot do anything to contribute to my family. Though I do not feel as lost as I have. I have a small sense of who I am and of what my culture is. I have a small sense of what it truly means to be African American and, for that, I am eternally grateful to Mr. Fredrick Douglass.

House Party

well jesse and his sister and jody just left. i miss him already. it feels like forever. like its gonna take an eternity before i see him again. i can still feel his presense ok let me stop before i get too personal and mushy.wow.anyway i want to go to this house party sooo bad. i wish anisa lived like close by, so we could just like stop by, just stay for a few min. to an hour (depending on how it is) and then come back. today feels weird, i think because my mom is acting weird. but anyway i wanna go so badly. before we go off to college i want to experience at least one highschool house party. and go to at least one teen night. dag i have nothing to do. i think ill read my frederick douglass autobiography. and then i may start my us history homework. i have alot to do and i really dont want to wait till the last miniute to do it. so....

...thats all

...God

well im sitting here waiting for my mom to wake so i can get some laundry done. then later i plan on having a bbq with my fam and i invited anisa and karina b/c we haven't all just hun out together just the three of us and i really miss that. so today im gonna try to pull anisa from armando for like a few hours and karina from yrwin but i doubt that will happen. i doubt it will be the three of us and im trying not to be so negative but i know its not going to happen, something in my heart says it. elmos acting really wierd so i had to block him from my AIM for a quick minuite and i think Yrwins mad b/c he was planning a day with Kay and i got to her b4 he could or whatever. I sware when did life become all about the opposite sex and being with the opposite sex? what happened to being happy and hanging with your friends and not having to compete with byfriends and guy friends and etc. im getting sad now. well anyway im planning on living a more spiritual life. sometimes when you think about it it seems so hard but then you have to ask yourself "do i really place the world, my friends, family, my worldly possessions,etc, in front of God?" "do i really worship them, instead of my own God?". i have to be honest and say that i really dont know, at times yes. most times yes.most times i rather spend time with my mom rather than read the bible or go to church, etc. there are things i know i must let go for God that i just really dont want to. but honestly what do i want most a relationship with God or 50 cent? no im just kidding but really yea.its gonna be hard. i really dont want to be the kind of person who stays at home and all she does is pray, read the bible, watch the news and gospels on tv, and does her hw and chores. but i also dont want to be a hypocrite. i want everything that i have now and a relationship with God and i dont know how to do it.and i dont think it can be done. so i usually start falling off my spiritual ride or watever. i doint know. im notfeeling well. im gonna go walk aroud the house.

...thats all

Quickie: The people in your life are balancing you perfectly right now -- things are fun!

today...just feels amazing.anisas on the plane right now on her way back home. it feels like everything is just alligning in a perfect line and the sun and the stars are just all smiling at me. everyone around me is nestled into their respected roles in my life and i just feel sooo happy today. i woke up and for the first time in weeks i didn't feel tired, restless, sad, depressed anything. i felt PERFECT. it feels like everythings perfect and im enjoying every minuite of this. this is how everyday for me should feel. God is truly smiling down on me. i feel like dancing and singing. OMIGOD. i think after i finish writing im gonna take a shower,get dressed, clean my room, put on some music and just dance and sing my heart out.i want to start working out, at least training for PT so i can at least figure out if i wanna do RAIDER.wow im all over the place.lol. but i feel like just walking around New Brunswick today and just talking. I woke up today, wel actually i went to sleep last night also, thinking about how i just want to sit and talk to sombody. either write it down or talk to Jelly and Bananas. for the first time i feel like i rather talk to Jelly and Bananas more. i just feel like dancing. go somewhere. do something. this week has been great. this weekend i feel will be perfect. im just soooo happy. omg. ok well im about to take a shower so ill talk to you guys later. i cant sit down today.lol.

...thats it :*

OUTCAST

so i ended up having fun yesterday. even though i was kind of sad for not making it to armandos party. sorry armando. anyway, i ended up hanging out with karina, jody, robert, and yrwin b4 he kind of got mad and left. i really need to work on what not to say in front of certain people. b/c some ppl are like so sensitive that its sickening and some people know how to take a joke. i need to learn how to read people. anyway, i've been trying to get myself together for school. im not looking forward to it, though im not dreading it either. im kind of in the middle. i woke up late, tears in eyes, remembering my birthday and i had some doubts on whether or not i wanted to risk putting myself out there again and getting hurt like i did. i dont think i was all too hurt about the "party"(or lack of), mostly b/c armando and anisa were there for me and i that simple fact makes it hard for me to be sooo down. but i am kind of sad b/c of the fact that some ppl couldn't make it after we all (well at least i was ) were looking forward to it. then i started feeling my outcast feelings that i felt around my birthday time, and that ive felt everytime i've moved. feelings that i convinced myself i would never let myself feel again, but disappointedly felt today. i remembered all the times i was stuck by myself, b/c for some reason i seperated myself, or didn't try as hard to fit in, mostly b/c i felt hopeless. anyway, so i finally got up and after going through the list of what "i dont feel like doing", i wrote out some more affirmations to stick on my dor, including "I am not an OUTCAST". and listed a few more for when i made some more circles fr my door. its a good start but im not all the way there. i want to spend tommorrow getting ready for school. i know im going to do my laundry tommorrow so i better clean today so i can sort my clothes. after reading my horoscope, since it was on the like of what "i do feel like doing", i decided to do something i havn't done since i was a little girl in my moms beauty salon. wow, i dont think i ever told you guys about that. ill leave that for another entry.maybe. anyway so i put on my old Mary J Blige cd and started singing my heart out as i cleaned my room for a full out persormance.lol. corny yes, but it was a treat for myself. though i didn't end up doing it, b/c after the cd skipping and my mom yekling at me for no reason, i suddenly didn't feel too up to it. i do miss those days, and ive never just been myself and sung and danced without a care, in a while, b/c even when im alone in my room, alone in the house even, i still feel alittle self conscious. today would have been the first time in a while i didn't care about what other people thought about me, but oh well. somethings aren't meant to happen at times. maybe later i'll build up the nerve, but until then im going to...well idont know what im going to do. i really dont feel like doing anything other than laying down.

No Happy Endings

oh "pants, sweaters and shoes oh my" was my 100th post. thats kind of cool. though i cant seem to get in the mood to be happy about it. im finding trouble really finding any happy thoughts right now. my whole day has been a total complete horrible mess. my whole day is ruined. i spent half of it at a police station b/c rah rah had to have his footbal game in a freaking white town. fuck. i spent about 5 hours in that station doing nothing, worrying about what was going to happen to my mother, agitated by my brother and his friend, and tired as hell b/c i got up early for this shit. then after that i was kind of excited b/c then my day would be better b/c i was going to armandos surprise b-day. but oh well, that fell through. now im sitting here dressed up annoyed and upset. i really just wanted to spend the rest of this year on a happy note. with happy affirmations, and thoughts, and happy events. and the sadest art was that my "happy" new life was supposed to start today. im desperatly trying to hold onto any happy things that i can muster. im just quite upset and refusing to let these tears fall from my eyes.i need to think of something that could possibly brighten my day.

...thats all

Pants and Sweaters and Shoes? OH MY

well im sitting here in my boxers, in a room full of clother-old and new- with a fed addiction to food and shoes. i must say, if i even here myself complain about not having anything to wear, i will personally slap myself. times like these you wonder whats in it for them. i just know that im going to have to do a lot of house cleaning, after today and how much was spent on me. plus i still want those boots we saw in the store and i still need my vingtage tees and a few more blazers and a jean jacket. i haven't gotten my cargo pants but im not that worried about that.oh and look what i just found, my list for todays shopping.basically all i still need off my list is vintage tees, those lacy sparkly tees, and a jean jacket-plus anything else my mom wants to buy me. either way, i have realized that i have a shopping addiction-not just a shoe fetish but an everything that has to do with fashion and style and clothing and etc fetish. and today my mom has fed it and made it worsen. God, i love her. i'm just gonna have to remeber that when shes asking me to clean something and i roll my eyes and she threatens to take back all my stuff.lol. anyone who has been in the same room of my mom knows what im talking about. but shes so great, she woke up this morning and cursed out, stressed out, and blacked out on these people at the bank b/c they were holding her check which had about more than a thousand dollars on it, which anyone who lives in new brunswick and is borderline poor (ok not borderline) knows how serious that is, expecially if your a teenager living in new brunswick, poor and in need some new clothers. and when that check is going solely to paying the cell phone bill (in which includes your cell phone), and the rest going to your school shopping and anything that your mother thinks is a "must have" of her own. ok so let me place you there. so i'm in this big store, my moms downstares looking for more stores and looking for some things for herself, and im completly overwelmed. i dont know what to do,lol. which is funny for someone who dreams of going on What Not To Wear just for the free trip to New York, the $5,000 shopping spree, and the free hair and makeup tips. pss pss...not saying that i still dont want to do that ...hint hint. so anyway my mom comes and wisks me away to this store she found that she feels is perfect for me. and we spend most of our time there, forgetting about the other stores we put on our "to go " list. anyway, for a second i felt good, felt confident, felt less self concious as my mom said things like "oh you really do have a perfect figure" and "oh those pants look like they were made to fit you, lets get a few more pairs of those in every color" .my mom is a trip. but for a second i felt as beautiful as she is. i felt like how she used to be when she was little. this was great for a little girl who spent hours staring at the pictures of her mother when she was young, skinny, and gorgeous, just wishing and hoping that mabey she could grow up to be, and look just like her, cursing her absent father for cursing her with every extra feature on her body that didn't come soely from her mother. i love my mother and so much i just wish to be as loud spoken, and pretty as she is. i remember right before she had rah, when she had lost a lot of weight (which was gained from having me) and was the perfect size, with the curves in the right places, and a beautiful face. she was truely the picture of perfect and all i wanted to be. as i stared at the mirror with a flat ass, still hadn't developed, just comming out of having the chicken pox (which proved to be the worst thing that has happened to me in my whole entire life), and wearing stretch pants that refused to stretch. i dreamed of how if i could become full figured like my mom, how everything would be perfect, when everyone else had dreams of a size 0, i had dreams of a size 14 (though i'm not sure what a size 14 looks like or if my mom was that size or not lol) but you know what i'm saying. basically, it felt good to have all my moms attention on me (something that hasn't been done alot since the end of my only child status). anyway, i had a good day, and now i have to figure out what to do with my room.

thats all i have to say

Something On A Personal Note

My prince charming
hope has no place for me
as i drown in fictitious visions of
a better life foolish to believe in
huge masses of a person wrap around me
hold me close by
my sadness depression transfered
my heart soul being empty into you
he shelters me from pain
protect me from harm
protect me from you
as i float blindly beleiving in your love for me
my heart my soul believes in you
dont let me down
crushed i will be
my notice of warning to you come fictitious dream

...thats all