Anticipation

"A great source of calamity lies in regret and anticipation;
therefore a person is wise who thinks of the present alone,
regardless of the past or future. -Oliver Goldsmith

Yesterday my mom and me had a dispute. The computer keeps messing up and its so frustrating having to restore it over and over again. Since I am basically the only one who uses the computer, of course I’m blamed for it, among other things. She blames me for everything that goes wrong, holds me responsible for anything done or not done. It’s frustrating. Besides that, she cannot pronounce anything without yelling on the top of her lungs. So that also frustrates me. So yesterday night we just basically collided, both of us annoyed, bad-tempered, stubborn Leo's. It wasn't anything nice.

She just went on and on about how she gets stuff and we don’t take care of it. Which in fact is true, but most of the time we don’t do them purposely. Hey, why would I purposely mess up a computer that controls my mere existence [slightly exaggerated]? Anyway i was annoyed and frustrated [as stated before] and all i could do to calm me was repeat over and over again: "just four more years". Just four more years and i would be gone. Four more years and i wont have to worry about this. Four more years and you wont have me to blame. Four more years and we can pretend not to exist to each other. Four more years.

It calmed me a great deal. I started to recognize that sort of feeling. I do it all the time. October 15th or 30th and i wont have to be in this house anymore. I do it a great deal. And that some how bothers me. That i can’t find anything better than anticipation to calm myself. That i use that and regret to justify my feelings of needs and wants.

What is life without regret or anticipation? What is a life without "what if"? It wouldn't be a life worth living. Though it may be wise to not linger in the past or future, it is something we cannot control. Something that is human nature to us all. And those who have had the privilege in living life without a single regret or anticipation, they are like inhuman to us. All human beings wish to focus on the present, but why. Most reasons behind it are so that we make a better future for our selves, or so that the past doesn't repeat itself. What is that but lingering on about the past and future? These things are our present, our past and future. Things we couldn't be without.

and that’s all i have to say....