OUTCAST

so i ended up having fun yesterday. even though i was kind of sad for not making it to armandos party. sorry armando. anyway, i ended up hanging out with karina, jody, robert, and yrwin b4 he kind of got mad and left. i really need to work on what not to say in front of certain people. b/c some ppl are like so sensitive that its sickening and some people know how to take a joke. i need to learn how to read people. anyway, i've been trying to get myself together for school. im not looking forward to it, though im not dreading it either. im kind of in the middle. i woke up late, tears in eyes, remembering my birthday and i had some doubts on whether or not i wanted to risk putting myself out there again and getting hurt like i did. i dont think i was all too hurt about the "party"(or lack of), mostly b/c armando and anisa were there for me and i that simple fact makes it hard for me to be sooo down. but i am kind of sad b/c of the fact that some ppl couldn't make it after we all (well at least i was ) were looking forward to it. then i started feeling my outcast feelings that i felt around my birthday time, and that ive felt everytime i've moved. feelings that i convinced myself i would never let myself feel again, but disappointedly felt today. i remembered all the times i was stuck by myself, b/c for some reason i seperated myself, or didn't try as hard to fit in, mostly b/c i felt hopeless. anyway, so i finally got up and after going through the list of what "i dont feel like doing", i wrote out some more affirmations to stick on my dor, including "I am not an OUTCAST". and listed a few more for when i made some more circles fr my door. its a good start but im not all the way there. i want to spend tommorrow getting ready for school. i know im going to do my laundry tommorrow so i better clean today so i can sort my clothes. after reading my horoscope, since it was on the like of what "i do feel like doing", i decided to do something i havn't done since i was a little girl in my moms beauty salon. wow, i dont think i ever told you guys about that. ill leave that for another entry.maybe. anyway so i put on my old Mary J Blige cd and started singing my heart out as i cleaned my room for a full out persormance.lol. corny yes, but it was a treat for myself. though i didn't end up doing it, b/c after the cd skipping and my mom yekling at me for no reason, i suddenly didn't feel too up to it. i do miss those days, and ive never just been myself and sung and danced without a care, in a while, b/c even when im alone in my room, alone in the house even, i still feel alittle self conscious. today would have been the first time in a while i didn't care about what other people thought about me, but oh well. somethings aren't meant to happen at times. maybe later i'll build up the nerve, but until then im going to...well idont know what im going to do. i really dont feel like doing anything other than laying down.