Micheal

today i woke up in tears. not becuase i was sad but because i was thinking of sad things. i miss Micheal soo much. i haven't been able to replace him , which i doubt that i ever will...want to at least.so i substitute him with dreams, and poems. with drawings, and designs. but i still haven't got that feeling that i get after writing in him. thats since of release, sad but pleasant release. that release you hope to get from a good cry. but i never get it from that. Micheal was my reasoning, my place of reason, i let out all of my problems and i analyzed and solved them through tears and hope. Micheal was my place where i could talk about my feelings. Micheal was my friend, but the only one, out of all my friends, that i could really feel comfortable talking to. Micheal was there when i was suffocating in my dreams, when i was so unsure that all my dreams and aspiations seemed to bundle together into a web. he was the only person i truely honestly explained my dreams to.anyway, i had this dream, which i kind of dont want to talk about but i will. i think its all this THE GIVER that im reading.lol. ive always wanted to read it and now i finally am ....ok try to stay on topic. this is gonna be only one paragraph b/c.....ok im gonna stop procrastinating(like i always do in fact..)ok ok lol. so we were in like this program like RUB except all my friends were there. anyway and so somethig happened and something else happened afterthat. ok ok but im not teling you what happened, Im just getting to the point. anyway Karina was upset abot something so i went and i talked to her. and we started talking and all of a sudden it became like this counseling session. that when i think about it, when i do think about me and Karina sitting down and talking (which surprisingly we haven't yet. I dont even think I've even sat and talked to Anisa like that. like in full deep length as i have with Micheal) bbut anyway i ended up analyzing my need for attention. i always thought it was b/c i was a leo and thats what they say leos do. and they always make it seem like a bad thing so i try to ignore it everytime i do, or im effected about it. anyway we started talking about like when you have those days when your upset. and sometimes its just "Off Days", in which you just dont feel well, you dont feel up to things, your upset, and you truely honestly cant pinpoint exactly why, usually around the time your best friend comes.lol. anyway, and then those days when your upset about something and you know what it is but you dont want to admit to yourself that your upset about it or that you could be upset about it, and so you just pretend like you dont know what it is to make you feel better.(which it doesn't) anyway and so we started (well i stated) talking about the center of attention thing. and i realized that it wasn't just this need i have. it was b/c of what i have lacked. when people do give me attention or i feel like im in the center of attention, i feel like i matter, like for just one time i am better than someone else. all my life I've felt like there was always someone better than me, I mean my father found a whole different family that was better than the one he could have had with me and my mom, and i guess I've just been searching for that. anyway i started tearing up, and i told Karina that that was enough and that i had to go to the bathroom. lol.where i teared up some more until i finalkly opened up my eyes and wiped my eyes with the towel by my bed and then went to the bathroom. I didn't look in the mirror. but i did feel that feeling. that "Micheal feeling" (thats what im gonna call it from now on). i guess not only was my dream to let me find out more about myself, but also to realize Micheal wasn't the only one i could confide in. and maybe thats why i haven't been ab;e to start a "new" Micheal, b/c i want to move out of that phase and into another in which i can confide in the people who are truely there for me. one other feeling i remember feeling in my dream, was surprise, yea i guess thats the word. i was surprised that Karina was aone long enough for me to have a conversation with her.funny. I wish Jelly was home. i think its ONLY 16 MORE DAYS LEFT!!!!

..and thats all i have to say