Him

I don't know why I do this to myself. Letting my mind get filled up with these dreams, hopes, fantasies that only leave facing an inevitable pit of sorrow and pity. I understand the cause, for its easy to decipher these things: bad relationship with father= bad relationship with all male kind. But what am I to do with it. What am I to do with myself. I like him. This time a new him, although probably the same predicament. I fantasize, I lust after, only to do nothing and end up hurt. For I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be. Leaving me confused and lonely. My heart being placed in my own fist to just be squeezed harder and harder until it bursts, leaving me to sew back the mess I've made. I sit and I hope for things to go different... This time. For things to end up better. I sit and I prey for God to send me something promising myself, promising Him that I will be ready this time. But still... I'm not. Will I ever be? I don't know. I wish I could say. I do. But I can't say a word of encouragement because there is no use. I shall face my inevitable pit of sorrow and pity. If only... I could forget.

A Crush

"i remember being on the bus and his fingers finding its way between the seat and window to me. i grabbed onto them like it was something...natural. and when my hand would find itself intwined in his. natural. and in the dark, during practice when he kissed me. natural. and on the bus, comming home , him being right next to me. the feeling i had. natural. and the way he would look at me as if he knew it was. that i was. foolishly feeling like i was special. but somehow even that felt natural."

and i felt like it was natural. for the first time. and i miss that natural feeling. i miss being filled with it. and just being close to him felt. natural. despite the setting. i hate myself for wanting something i couldn't have. and for dreaming and pretending like i could obtain it, knowing along i couldn't. hurting myself once again for no reason. i pray that it won't happen again. that i won't allow myself to get hurt a fifth time by my feelings and vulnerability.

i hate myself for thinking about it even now.

A Crush

i knew. when i was sitting on karinas porce, babbling about some nonsence about me being upset about the other cast mates, and she hinted to me if it was really about him. i knew deep inside it was. but i couldn't put my finger on why. but i know it was because i knew it was probably my last chance. that afterwards it would be like this. it would be like de andre. though i didn't have a "mouthful of his name". i had something else. with signifigance the same.

"The Lump"

well tommorrow i'm probably not going to school b/c i have to go to the doctor. today i showed my mom "the lump" that i've been trying not to concern my self with. i just didn't want to worry her but of course she'll worry since shes my mom. but i guess i was afraid of what it might be, i mean i doubt it is cancerous but it could be. and whatever it is its really big and hard so much you can kind of see the indentation so much that i might need surgery and im so scared. i pray that its not cancer. i can deal with the surgery but please God dont let it be cancer.

Hold On

my hair is falling out. its spreading like cancer over the back of my skull. my eyelashes are pealing away, constantly in my eye. and for once i can admit i have no idea what to do. i stress to do everything, though i know it can't be done. theres this hurt, inside of me like i bruised my soul. this numb pain...

(Passage from my sort of journal/diary)

"I turned on Death Cab and laid I stared at the ceiling as I felt the tears fall out of my eyes I felt the first tear fall out of my left eye and fall behind my ear into my hair and as I thought of the pimple that would appear because of that salty tear passing along the wrong pore on my face and how my hair would friz from that single moist tear another tear fell from my right I just laid and stared feeling a numb hurt and more tears began to fall and soon I felt the need to cry but as I scrunched my face and held my eyes shut tight trying to force the tears out they wouldn't fall but when I opened them two fat tears fell from both eyes. And suddenly I felt that I was holding my breath even as I inhaled and exhaled I felt I was waiting waiting to exhale and for the first time I understood what it meant Waiting to Exhale"

One Day Without

" When I think back to you all I can picture is you smiling, that day in Ms. Mariam's livingroom watching tv, and when I drew that flower for you; little things that make me smile. At times I find myself dreaming that you were here and it was all of us in Sayreville again but with all dreams you wake up and your ht with reality again. I sware I actually stopped liking Florida as much, only because you were there instead of here. I doubt that you being in Sayreville would change anything...So i guess, wherever you are, you may stay..."

I remember always saying his name it would fall from my mouth as if my mouth was full with it I would say it without thinking as if well it was always on my mind.I thinkI miss that more than I miss him I never had him but I had a mouthful of his name