Another Day In School

im at school now. bored as hell. decided to write an entry. yesterday was basically the worst ,well compared to other days it wasn't tha bad, but still it was pretty bad. i hate having to feel like i have to watch what i say b/c ppl will turn it around and try to destroy the only good things in my life. i really dont like to feel like i cant be trusted. so like i said b4 im gonna stay to myself.
lately it has been like the only person really there for m was kaleb. i can talk to him about everything and since micheal is gone, well not completly, but since i cant confide in micheal anymore, i guess i have to confide in my bf.lol. anyway things haven't been great, so i might not give another entry for a while. i need time to myself. well im about to get in trouble by my geometry teacher.lol. so bye.

All By Myself

i just came home from the best two hours of nothing i've ever had in my life. no one throws parties like karina does. two hours of standing around doing nothing. im cold and tired and annoyed. then i get home and my bf completly blows me off b/c i decided to go to the "party/get together" instead of talk to him. though i'd rather talk to him anyway. so there i was,with my bowl of cereal, staring in it trying not to cry. another day spent with ppl who dont care or dont notice. i think the rest of this week, i'll spend by myself.

My Everything

im really upset with myself. i can honestly say hes the only person who has been able to realy lift my spirit and who has been able to really be there for me. he's the first person i think of when i wake up but i cant be everything for him. i want to be happy for him and i want him to know im there. the last thing i want him to see is me not at my strongest point. he means everything to me and i cant even be happy for him. i cant even be proud of what we have. and i'm afraid that by the time that i do it will all be too late. i mean its the way i am, and im afraid of what could happen. im so much more vulnerable than i was before. im afraid of getting hurt and im afraid of hurting.

OH WELL

im sick of fake people. people who pretend to be your friend then go behind your back. im sick of people who pretend to care and people who dont even have the decency to even do that. im sick of people who are completly selfish. im sick of people who's purpose in life is to ruin yours. and im sick of people who do not know who to be there for you when obviously somethings up. im sick of being surrounded by people who dont care about me.
its funny how you find someone you might and then they make it apparent that they dont. i mean i make it my job to be there for people no matter how fucked up my life is going and all i ask is the same. i guess you cant ask that much from people these days. i guess its a little too hard for people to care or even pretend to. oh well.

WORSE

things are really shattering.i thought new brunswick would help, but all ive found was more heart ache. more lonelyness. with no one trully there for me i feel left alone.another four years. i dont need more time to sort things through. i dont need a break. both only make things worse. i just need to suffer for the time being and hide behind my smile. everythings happy there and i almost forget how depressed im becoming. ha ha its funny cause its so sad. i think that book is depressing, in a sort of sneak up on you sort of way (thats the worst kind). no wonder that man killed that beatles guy. oh well back to bottling my feelings and hiding behind jokes and smiles and having no one care either way.

OVER

well...i think i may be falling back into the same feeling i had during 5th grade that caused me to try to change. im noticing that alot of the feelings that i had then are coming back now. im slowly falling back into old habits. i really dont know what to say. things just haven't been going well. my friends are changing and i lost the one thing that made my life slightly complete. i just really dont feel as though things are going to be better. i think what maes it worse (and what made it worse before) was that i feel alone. theres no one. and things never change.

HERES ANOTHER ONE:

heres another poem. excuse my spelling. i haven't thoughtof a name yet. its kinda on the sad side but i still think its good (i wouldn't post it if i didn't) once again its ok if you dont understand it . i just wanted to post it for your enjoyment (whether you enjoy it or not), well here it is...

im floating on a sea of purple

confused whether in happy or sad

my blue cloud i float on

is slowly diminiting with every salty tear

i flood my world with held up pain

my bottles about to burst

my feeling overflow down the sides

my soul suffocates and drowns

my smile fades to nothing

confused whether im happy or sad

i hide behind my nothing smile

hidden behind my nothing jokes

i can't let them see me cry

i hold everyones emotions on my shoulder

i fall and my heavy blankedt sinks me into the ground

my fear that i might die here makes my frown turn upside down

i climb down my pitiful smile

and row down my pityful dream

a life likely to be imitated with mirrors

imitating the nothingness inside of me

my black clouds pour down my tears

once again my world s flooded with pain

i climb back on my sea of purple

confused whether im happy or sad

Widow

heres a poem i wrote. its kinda on the long side. i dont know if ill write it all, but i guess we'll find out in the end of this entry wont we.lol. if you dont get it, dont feel to bad. i am living in my own world.lol. here it goes:

WIDOW

my rose petals
floating on flooded waters
my tears have shown
my face tainted red
my face left burned
trace the lines of my silent smile
as i think of you

silent snow
please stick to me
so i shall breath
just let me bleed
your silent droplets
burn my skin
as i breath in your air

kiss me gently
my open wounds
trace my lips
with your finger tips
as i reminence
as i dream that your near

i tiptoe out
you've made me shout
sheets soaked in sweat
stick to me
pour extacy
after we've become one

the girl i see
stare back at me
her broken smile
enters my mind
i wonder
if shes your fallen lover

the slap of the water
stings my face
to my surprise
i realize
just who she is
but me- your faded dream

my haunted past
memory back
reality hits
i'm just a ghost
who died with you
that faithful night

we haunt these rooms
with memories
we hold on tight
of that faithful night
when i was yours
for forever

but i've mistaken
only my life was taken
and with it your soul
i leave you there
with a souless body

please forgive
i askyou to live
to just forget
my ever existing
just so you can go on