for alot of people its hard to look at themselves and see something great. it hard to see that great quality that others see. i was reading this book and in it a very good question was asked. if you friends and family members can love you for who you are, why cant you do that same for yourself. i think for many of us, we are unaware of what quality we have in us that makes us so like able, mainly because no one tells us. well for this entry i would like to talk about a few of my friends and what about them makes them my friend, what about them i admire.
Pearl- what sparked my interest and made me want to be my friend, my best friends, was that she has such a big personality for someone smaller than myself. she symbolizes everything i wish i could be. to me she has the perfect life. she comes from a strong family with strong values, a culture so different from the ones i usually see everyday, she gets great grades, shes like, i dont know, amazing(lol, i used THE WORD). shes someone to admire and and try to be like. we both are so different than others, expecially in sayreville, but she holds her own, and holds it with her head up high. i dont think we ever actually had an argument. and she makes me want to be a better person. shes not one to be rude, even when like most of my friends were south asian they never would talk in a different language or talk about something that would make me feel eft out, and shes a great person for doing so. shes sweet, open minded, and sooooo confident. shes talented, its almost impossible to find any flaws about her. she is such a great person and an even greater friend and i dont know what would have happened if i didn't meet her. shes basically the person who has helped me become who i am today. she made it cool for me to just be me. and i thank her for that.shes just a person to admire, lol.
Karina- i admire her spirit, even with the restrictions people set in her way, she seems to get over them, she seems to be free. she seems confortable enough in her skin to flirt with boys and draw people to her. you would never know if she has image problems or family problems, or any problems at that, like the rest of us. she seems so responsible, the way she watches her siblings and takes care of the house while her mom and dad are out trying to make her life and the lives of her brothers and sister better. i can't help but be wide-eyed in admiration to the fact that she has both perents. she has a beautiful personality that sems to attract people to her. shes so open minded like me and so confident. shes such a beautiful person inside and out. most of all she has a culture, a language, and identity of her own. she has a flag (which might seem weird to admire but coming from somone who's flag is nothing but the american one, its worth admiring to me)
Anisa- she has that quality that i wish i had. i cant put it into one word but she um... she doesn't take herself so seriously. she knows when to let things go. she doesn't start arguments or acts rude. you know that you and her would never have a falling out. shes such a sweet girl with such a big heart.shes someone you can joke around with. like i said she doesn't take things so serious. shes tall (which i waish i could be) and so caring. shes someone i can talk to. shes not as talkative as me, she lets other people get a word in. she doesn't come off as too much. shes openminded and doesn't pass judgements and understands alot of things like that bother me, b/c half of the time its he same thing that bothers her.
Abby- the fact that we are so different yet so alike leaves me with wide eyes. shes so open minded and fun to be around. i admire her sooo much for speaking her mind and not backing down. to me she seems so strong. i think shes a beautiful person inside and out. her life kinda reflects the way mone used to be: living in the suberbs, in a nice safe neighborhood with nice safe neighbors (something i miss every now and then). shes the kind of person you'd love to have on your side because you know she will stick by you in the end no matter what. she looks out for you and pushes you to be the best you can be, shes soo soo soo suported of me. most of all, i admire her strong beliefs (even though they may be different than mine).
Armando- now hes like the only boy on this list. mostly because hes the only guy who i would consider a close friend of mine. i must say he holds his own enough to make it on my list(lol). he has that personality kind of like anisas, he lets perople get a say edge wise. he listens to what you have to say and on the most part is very understanding. he though is sometimes hard to understand (mostly because hes one of my few guy friends) but that makes you want to learn more about him. mostly hes sweet, sometimes so much so it surprises you. i cant help but admire his strong feelings for anisa and how much he cares. hes a person you cant help but like even when all you want to do is curse him out for the rest of your days (lol). hes sensitive, very sensitive, but not too sensitive that its really really annoying. like i said hes caring and has a good heart.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Saturday, November 06, 2004
WELCOME BACK!!(NO I DIDN'T STEAL THAT FROM MASE)
well i officially moved. i'm in NB now and pretty happy. i'm not im school yet but by next monday i plan to be. and though i really didn't expect it, i miss irvington. we went back to irvington to finish cleaning up the apartment so my mom could get here security back. i was kind of upset that i couldn't say bye to my friends but in the end everything was ok. i tried my best to soak up everything, every memory that i could soak up, from irvington. i wish i had a digital camera or something,lol, but my fancy camera in my mind was good enough.
since i haven't gone to school, i've been staying inside which has given me this runny nose.lol. i've been reading this book, a really cool book, different than many of the others i've read b/c basically it wasn't written by a caucasion person or an african american person; it was written by a south asian (a name i find much more pleasant than indian b/c 1. the term indian is also sometimes used for native americans 2. not everyone in south asia is indian, there are many other countries down there. anyway, it was a great book and in some parts it really related to me, in fact sometimes i couldn't tell whether they were talking about african american people or south asians. in one part of the book they refered to theirselves as "people of color", which is usually what is used to decribe african americans, and they refered to their skin color as of being brown (which of course it is but it was weird thinking of it being refered to anyother people other than african americans).
the girl in the book was suffering from something that all us teenagers suffer from, the big question of "who am i?". but mostly she suffered something i think i suffer everyday (excuse the word suffer), she felt as if she wasn't american enough for the americans and not indian enough for the indians (she in fact was indian).which i feel most of the time, that im not black enough for the african americans and not american enough for the americans. anyway, since i was already emotional (my best friend [code for something.lol.] had just ended), i guess through half of the book i was crying through, thoguh it wasn't all that sad. my eyes just became dripping fausets of pour emotion in salty droplet form.
anyway, that made me think of what i had hoped to gain from thsi move. i really want to change. i want to find myself. but before i could do that i had to sort through what i already knew. i am african american, i am not african and i am not american but african american. i am the offspring of offsprings brought from africa but since that is not my culture, my culture is more the american culture than anything else, i am not african. i dont come from those who live(d) in africa, i come from those who marched for the rights i have now, i come from those who suffered all those years, i come from those who were lynched for something they could not help, i come from african americans. there is no flag for my group of people, for we are people lost, without a culture of our own, without a language of our own (both are things that were stolen from us. i am daughter of felica (no last names what so ever.lol.), though i have lived with her for fourteen years i only know bits and pieces of her life. i am daughter of benard, though i dont know anything about him other than his name, i cant even picture him in my mind for the the colors in the picture of him imprinted in my mind have all run out, till the photo was blink.
anyway, i want to lern more about where i come from. more about my people, more about my mother, and mabey i'll build up some guts to ask about my father (i think i'll need alot of support to do that). you know for the longest time, i had only saw one photo of my mom when she was younger. only a few months ago i got to see more, i got to see pictures of my great grandma (who died when i was 7) holding me in her hands, pictures of my grandfather (who died when my mom was 12) with my mother, pictures of my mom and her brother that she had admired so much when she was a little girl. i dont know, it just felt like a whole chapter of my mom's life was being revealed, and at that moment i realized how much of a stranger she was to me....anyway so i am going to be learning more about where i come from (i need a library card now more than ever.lol.). wish me luck :)
since i haven't gone to school, i've been staying inside which has given me this runny nose.lol. i've been reading this book, a really cool book, different than many of the others i've read b/c basically it wasn't written by a caucasion person or an african american person; it was written by a south asian (a name i find much more pleasant than indian b/c 1. the term indian is also sometimes used for native americans 2. not everyone in south asia is indian, there are many other countries down there. anyway, it was a great book and in some parts it really related to me, in fact sometimes i couldn't tell whether they were talking about african american people or south asians. in one part of the book they refered to theirselves as "people of color", which is usually what is used to decribe african americans, and they refered to their skin color as of being brown (which of course it is but it was weird thinking of it being refered to anyother people other than african americans).
the girl in the book was suffering from something that all us teenagers suffer from, the big question of "who am i?". but mostly she suffered something i think i suffer everyday (excuse the word suffer), she felt as if she wasn't american enough for the americans and not indian enough for the indians (she in fact was indian).which i feel most of the time, that im not black enough for the african americans and not american enough for the americans. anyway, since i was already emotional (my best friend [code for something.lol.] had just ended), i guess through half of the book i was crying through, thoguh it wasn't all that sad. my eyes just became dripping fausets of pour emotion in salty droplet form.
anyway, that made me think of what i had hoped to gain from thsi move. i really want to change. i want to find myself. but before i could do that i had to sort through what i already knew. i am african american, i am not african and i am not american but african american. i am the offspring of offsprings brought from africa but since that is not my culture, my culture is more the american culture than anything else, i am not african. i dont come from those who live(d) in africa, i come from those who marched for the rights i have now, i come from those who suffered all those years, i come from those who were lynched for something they could not help, i come from african americans. there is no flag for my group of people, for we are people lost, without a culture of our own, without a language of our own (both are things that were stolen from us. i am daughter of felica (no last names what so ever.lol.), though i have lived with her for fourteen years i only know bits and pieces of her life. i am daughter of benard, though i dont know anything about him other than his name, i cant even picture him in my mind for the the colors in the picture of him imprinted in my mind have all run out, till the photo was blink.
anyway, i want to lern more about where i come from. more about my people, more about my mother, and mabey i'll build up some guts to ask about my father (i think i'll need alot of support to do that). you know for the longest time, i had only saw one photo of my mom when she was younger. only a few months ago i got to see more, i got to see pictures of my great grandma (who died when i was 7) holding me in her hands, pictures of my grandfather (who died when my mom was 12) with my mother, pictures of my mom and her brother that she had admired so much when she was a little girl. i dont know, it just felt like a whole chapter of my mom's life was being revealed, and at that moment i realized how much of a stranger she was to me....anyway so i am going to be learning more about where i come from (i need a library card now more than ever.lol.). wish me luck :)
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Moving
so it's officially time to move and i must say, i am not as joyous as i thought i might be. i mean i so want to be back in new brunswick but i have come to enjoy my stay here. its been the experience that i think ive needed in my life. i have grown and learned more about the world around me than in the twelve years that i have lived anywhere else. i must admit that i had my ups and downs with this place but i have grown to find the benifit of this place and i am happy that i have had the chance to live here.
i have said before, to those who read my blog before this, that the fact that i have moved so many times over the fourteen years of my existance. it has given me that chance to experience things that so many ppl out there may never experience because they had the misfortune of being in one place their whole lives and not being able to see the world around them. though there are annoying things to moving. packing. the biggest and probably only really really annoying thing there is. i have been packing so much that i hate the site of my own things. i took every peice of clothing that i had in my bolonging and washed it. i packed away my nick nacks and my shoes, my teddy, and my booze (well not really, just thought it rhymed.lol.) and im off to see the wizard. lol.
i have said before, to those who read my blog before this, that the fact that i have moved so many times over the fourteen years of my existance. it has given me that chance to experience things that so many ppl out there may never experience because they had the misfortune of being in one place their whole lives and not being able to see the world around them. though there are annoying things to moving. packing. the biggest and probably only really really annoying thing there is. i have been packing so much that i hate the site of my own things. i took every peice of clothing that i had in my bolonging and washed it. i packed away my nick nacks and my shoes, my teddy, and my booze (well not really, just thought it rhymed.lol.) and im off to see the wizard. lol.
i must say, i do look forward to being with my old friends again. i look forward to starting new. though i dont know quite where or how to start. i'm going to miss this place. and i bless all the ppl here (ha. i got kinda religious or what ever there). so farewell irvington, and may you continue to bring joy to the people who pass through, in your own very very very unique way of course. i feel kind of braver then any of my other friends. i have always felt kind of, lets say i always felt that my skin may have not been as tough as theirs, but tell me.... would you honestly have the gusts to go to irvington high. if you answered yes, all i have to say to you is "oh please", "yeah right", and "give me a break"
im not even in school right now because of some gang inisiation thats going on. omg. there were about 10 to 15 kids, half of them with bats, some of them with knifes, all beating the shit out of each ohter. i am so happy i didn't decide to walk home or i would have been right there in the middle of everything. and down the block a few weeks ago some crazy lady ran over this man. they must have been arguing or whatever. and to think this little girl from the suburbs, in the middle of all this. see i've experienced it all.lol. tell me if you can or have done the same.
yup i have to say i have experienced so much. the suburbs. the ghetto. being homeless. living in a shelter. having it all. having nothing at all. living in an expensive apartment and driving a lexus and being comfortable. to having a two door honda and living in that and not being so comfortable. i must say i've come a long way. and i feel so blessed. and i am so humble. and through everything, i never blamed anyone, never gave my mom a hard time about the situation (even when we were living in the car), and never feeling that god has cursed me (being religious again but let me just have this moment).
i have to think god for honestly being there and watching over me, my mom, and my brother. i must thank him from the bottom of my heart for holding me and my moms hand, when she was being a victim of domestic violence (i hate my brothers father). i must thank god for walking beside us and blessing us when times where so so hard and when they were so so great. thanks.
...god bless irvington and all those who live here.
...and thats all i have to say
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Heres To You Micheal (my last entry in Micheal)
Saturday Night, October 16,2004
Things just haven't been going my way. Theres so many things i can't change. Im going crazy about it.
I knew by the way today was going, it wasn't going to be the best day that i'll have. I woke up just wanting comfort, trying to shut out all the things that's been annoying me, knowing that i cant change anything. All i had was Thomas, Jerry, and you. So i put on Thomas, turned up Jerry, and laid there wanting to hold you, but feeling I shouldn't. I haven't held you since June.
I just hit my breaking point. tired and annoyed and lazy, with things to do that i have to do. This stuff refusing to be washed off my face beacuase i left it on to long, things falling out the cabinet as i'm trying to take the aluminum foil out to wrap the food with, and the static in my radio preventing me from enjoying "i've got to prase you like i should." i juat knelt down and cried, repeating "just dont statis, please, just dont static", and crying till my head hurt.
now this is my last entry in you and i'm like i am. i'm a complete mess and i need someone to guide me and your the only one it seems i can turn to. i'm sure your flattered but feel sorry for me. but anyway, i need guidence but i only have the otherside of this page left in you.
now i know why i couldn't bear to touch you after your pages started running out. i want to end you happily. i want to write a few lyrics that always make me happy; i hope i can remember some...for you.
"you've been the only thing thats right, in all i've done"
"every breath that is in you is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me is a tiny little gift to me"
"my friends are so depressed, i feel the question of your lonliness, confide... cause ill be on your side, you know i will, you know i will"
"and i know one thing is true, that we are just as cool, and coool kids, well they belong, together"
"i'm so happy, cause today i found my friends, their in my head" THANKS FOR BEING THERE
saturday night i fell asleep with Micheal in my arms
and tears down my face. i think thats all i have to say...
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Religion PT.1
(from now on all lowercase.ok back to what i wanted to say). anyway, religious is a very touchy subject, because there are ppl out there realy religious and live by religion, there are ppl who dont believe in it all that much, and there are ppl like me i between. i believe in God, and Jesus and preying , and even going ot church. but the thing about church is that ppl mistreat it sooo much. i used to die to go to church, just to be there among ppl who believed in god and were teaching his teachings. but i have grown and seen how ppl really try to fuck up that whole experience, by trying to rob ppl, misteaching religion, and basically taking advantage of the poor souls like myself who just want to be there for the experience and teachings.
it hurts to think that... well nvm. i really dont want to get into anything with my friends or their beliefs. i think that ppl lie. its in their nature to do so. and they cant change. so my thing is that if ppl lie now, then they lied back then too. to get ppl to believe in them, to give ppl something to believe in. and ppl, i think , wrote the bible in order to give those ppl something to believe in, to help them though life (a very caring thing). and they may have printed mistruths in the bible to do so, mabey not even on purpose. think about it, ppl hear truths and turn them around and so it everyday. to me thats human nature. all about the apples.lol. (you may have not got that, if you didn't please disregard it b/c i dont think i'll be explainig it anytime soon).
i believe in God. that there is something out there who has made all that posibble. mabey b/c of my need of guidence as a human or b/c i cant bring myself to not believe it (hey i went to catholic school for about five to six years) or b/c in my heart i believe its true and that that is my own belief. i believe in preying and taking time out of your life to show him your appriciation. (spelled it wrong) i already told you my beliefs about church. and i think that is my belief. like some ppl believe in many gods, you cant go to them and say "you stupid son of a @@@@@, there is only one god you idiot". you wouldn't do that to ppl. hey ppl WWJD.lol. if you live by that you wouldn't do that or loo down on ppl who dont believe in religion at all. i'm sorry to add tv into this but like in americas top model, and those holier than thou ppl were looking down on those who didn't believe in that. (another reason why i dont go to church, b/c of ppl like that. and you cant tell me there isn't at least one at every single church) that is not what Jesus would do. not. at. all.
thats what i believe. what do you believe. post comments if you want. and please no arguing or telling ppl that what they believ is wrong. this comment for this entry is going to be solely for the purpose of sharing your beliefs. you may disagree but it is NOT your place to say so. now if you think that you can post your beliefs without being prejudice, then do so. show ppl that there all kinds of beliefs. and i repeat DO NOT make others feel like they are wrong about what they believe. whether your religious or not you should know right from wrong and know that that is wrong. if you do do so then i am sorry any comments that you post wont ever be shown on this blog. dag i have to find a better consequence.lol.
it hurts to think that... well nvm. i really dont want to get into anything with my friends or their beliefs. i think that ppl lie. its in their nature to do so. and they cant change. so my thing is that if ppl lie now, then they lied back then too. to get ppl to believe in them, to give ppl something to believe in. and ppl, i think , wrote the bible in order to give those ppl something to believe in, to help them though life (a very caring thing). and they may have printed mistruths in the bible to do so, mabey not even on purpose. think about it, ppl hear truths and turn them around and so it everyday. to me thats human nature. all about the apples.lol. (you may have not got that, if you didn't please disregard it b/c i dont think i'll be explainig it anytime soon).
i believe in God. that there is something out there who has made all that posibble. mabey b/c of my need of guidence as a human or b/c i cant bring myself to not believe it (hey i went to catholic school for about five to six years) or b/c in my heart i believe its true and that that is my own belief. i believe in preying and taking time out of your life to show him your appriciation. (spelled it wrong) i already told you my beliefs about church. and i think that is my belief. like some ppl believe in many gods, you cant go to them and say "you stupid son of a @@@@@, there is only one god you idiot". you wouldn't do that to ppl. hey ppl WWJD.lol. if you live by that you wouldn't do that or loo down on ppl who dont believe in religion at all. i'm sorry to add tv into this but like in americas top model, and those holier than thou ppl were looking down on those who didn't believe in that. (another reason why i dont go to church, b/c of ppl like that. and you cant tell me there isn't at least one at every single church) that is not what Jesus would do. not. at. all.
thats what i believe. what do you believe. post comments if you want. and please no arguing or telling ppl that what they believ is wrong. this comment for this entry is going to be solely for the purpose of sharing your beliefs. you may disagree but it is NOT your place to say so. now if you think that you can post your beliefs without being prejudice, then do so. show ppl that there all kinds of beliefs. and i repeat DO NOT make others feel like they are wrong about what they believe. whether your religious or not you should know right from wrong and know that that is wrong. if you do do so then i am sorry any comments that you post wont ever be shown on this blog. dag i have to find a better consequence.lol.
and thats all i have to say.....
Religion Pt 2
today i talked about my religious beliefs with too friends of mine. i am showing each convers to you now.
CrMlKiS1289: ok
CrMlKiS1289: my mom making me go to church
CrMlKiS1289: lol
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: your going?
CrMlKiS1289: i have 2
brownprincess555: when now?
CrMlKiS1289: no
brownprincess555: on a wednesday?
brownprincess555: aren't churches for sundays
CrMlKiS1289: no its revival
brownprincess555: um ok
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: when you have to go?
CrMlKiS1289: at 7
brownprincess555: oh
brownprincess555: as you know i dont go to church
brownprincess555: my mom doesn't believe in it
CrMlKiS1289: what in church
brownprincess555: i used to love going to church
brownprincess555: but now i understand why my mom doesn't like it
CrMlKiS1289: yea
brownprincess555: and i dont like it either
brownprincess555: plus i dont believe in the bible
brownprincess555: i believe in god and jesus
brownprincess555: but i dont believe in the bible
brownprincess555: cause it was written by ppl
brownprincess555: and ppl are desprate liars
CrMlKiS1289: lol wow
brownprincess555: and im sure ppl were desperate liars back then
brownprincess555: also
brownprincess555: i think my mom believes in the bible though
brownprincess555: i just dont
brownprincess555: i believe in preying
CrMlKiS1289: oh ok
CrMlKiS1289: lol
CrMlKiS1289: yea
brownprincess555: and god and stuff
brownprincess555: but not the bible cause ppl cant be trusted
brownprincess555: and not church
CrMlKiS1289: lol
CrMlKiS1289: yea
brownprincess555: cause um it teaches the bible
CrMlKiS1289: ppl in church cant be neither
brownprincess555: plus ppl take advantage of churches
brownprincess555: and i think its sick
brownprincess555: sick desperate ppl
brownprincess555: liars
brownprincess555: but when i grow up im gonna do what my mom did with me
CrMlKiS1289: and they make it seem like u have to go to church to go to heaven, or that being gay is wrong and all this stuff
CrMlKiS1289: which is not true
brownprincess555: and give me a choice to believe wat i want
brownprincess555: yea
brownprincess555: thats another reason why i dont like churches
brownprincess555: they are full of desperate ppl liars
CrMlKiS1289: being gay is not right, but god isnt going to hold that against you
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: yea
CrMlKiS1289: and ur not going to hell
brownprincess555: they make god sound so mean
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
brownprincess555: and i think thats wrong
CrMlKiS1289 : god is so patient
brownprincess555: and i dont believe in heaven and hell
brownprincess555: i think its another way for those desperate liar humans
CrMlKiS1289: lol
brownprincess555: to scare us into buying into what they say
brownprincess555: and thats how they got everyone to believe in the bible
brownprincess555: like if you dont read this
brownprincess555: your going ot hell
CrMlKiS1289 : lol yea
brownprincess555: and there is a hell
brownprincess555: and you are going to it
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
....(inimportant things were taking out here)
brownprincess555: b/c i think ppl lie
brownprincess555: its not that i dont believe in god and jesus or even the church
brownprincess555: my thing with the church is how ppl mistreat it
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
brownprincess555: and my thing with the bible is that its something to read
brownprincess555: and understand
brownprincess555: but after you read it and understand
brownprincess555: you question its truths
brownprincess555: like with every thing
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
brownprincess555: cause i think that there isno solid proof to these things
brownprincess555: kinda like in south park
CrMlKiS1289 : lol
brownprincess555: when they did the thing about some religion
brownprincess555: and they were saying what they believed
brownprincess555: and ppl looking insaw it for what it was
brownprincess555: crack pot
CrMlKiS1289 : lol
brownprincess555: a guy talking in a hat
brownprincess555: and saying all these things
brownprincess555: that had noproof
brownprincess555: and the everyone could tell the guy was crazy
CrMlKiS1289 : lol
now this is a convers i had with my other friend
brownprincess555: hey abby you here?
LovelyFlame732: heyy!
LovelyFlame732: waddup??
brownprincess555: hey!!
LovelyFlame732: lol
brownprincess555: talking to anisa about my religious beliefs
LovelyFlame732: oh relle
LovelyFlame732: u r an interesting one shanae
brownprincess555: her mom is making her go to church
LovelyFlame732: oh relle thas good
brownprincess555: i didn't know there was church on wednesday
LovelyFlame732: evryone needs it
LovelyFlame732: haha
LovelyFlame732: me either
brownprincess555: but anyway i was telling her how i dont believe in church and the bible
brownprincess555: but that i do believe in god and jesus and preying
brownprincess555: and being good not only for yourself but for the holy spirit that breathed life into you
LovelyFlame732: woahhh...dont let me get into that...
LovelyFlame732: if you believe in God, you should believe in the Bible and church b/c it all comes together in a way
brownprincess555: i think the reason i dont believe in churches and the bible is because i dont believe in ppl
LovelyFlame732: wen u go to church, ur giving back to God for everything he's doen for you
brownprincess555: i think they are desperate liars
brownprincess555: so do you when preying
brownprincess555: yea i think i rather prey to him and thank him at home
brownprincess555: then go to a room full of ppl
brownprincess555: cause as you know
LovelyFlame732: no, because that's just something you can do whenever..going to church is something you take a moment of your time for
brownprincess555: i dont like ppl all that much
LovelyFlame732: so it is different
brownprincess555: unless you've proven to me your not a desperate liar
brownprincess555: yea i understand what your saying
brownprincess555: and thats what i believe
LovelyFlame732: why do you think everyones a desperate liar?
brownprincess555: church is a place you go
brownprincess555: and take time out of your life
brownprincess555: to show god you appriciate him
LovelyFlame732: and you do it for God
brownprincess555: but the way they have made chiurches
brownprincess555: and the way ppl mistreat churches
brownprincess555: i think is wrong
LovelyFlame732: if you read the Bible, all these things you're questioning would never evn cross your mind
brownprincess555: anf thats why i dont want to be a part of it unless i find a church that is not like that
brownprincess555: you know what im saying?
LovelyFlame732: the Bible is the guide to life, and that's why you just cant believe in God w/o the Bible its just too incomplete
brownprincess555: read what i just wrote
LovelyFlame732: i did
brownprincess555: ok i dont believe in the bible
LovelyFlame732: brb
LovelyFlame732: srry
brownprincess555: b/c i dont believe in ppl
brownprincess555: and ppl wrote the bible
brownprincess555: and sometimes ppl lie
LovelyFlame732: soo srry
LovelyFlame732: bacc
LovelyFlame732: i had to get the door
brownprincess555: i hope your not mad or frustrated at me
LovelyFlame732: noo its jus theres soo much i wanna say yet i cant find the right wirds right now
brownprincess555: yea
brownprincess555: im writing a entry about it
brownprincess555: lol
LovelyFlame732: lol
LovelyFlame732: awesome
LovelyFlame732: look, all people lie sumtimes in their life
LovelyFlame732: thas not 2 say the whole the whole world is that way
LovelyFlame732: and to not believe in the Bible for sumthin like that is kinda ridiculous
brownprincess555: no i think if ppl lie now
LovelyFlame732: cause seriously, its said Moses wrote the Bible, do u relle think he'd lie about sumthin like that
LovelyFlame732: ten times out of ten pple lied back then
brownprincess555: everyone lies
brownprincess555: you cant tell me they dont
brownprincess555: i know you've lied once or twice in your life
LovelyFlame732: i just said that
LovelyFlame732: but im saying, you cant judge everyone because of what some people do
brownprincess555: no you also said LovelyFlame732: thas not 2 say the whole the whole world is that way
LovelyFlame732: there are eniugh good people out there to have enough faith in the human race
LovelyFlame732: ye i knoe
brownprincess555: but they lie too sometimes
LovelyFlame732: thas not 2 say the whole world lies
brownprincess555: everyone lies
LovelyFlame732: ye SOMETIMES
brownprincess555: b/c liing comes with caring
LovelyFlame732: but jus b/c tehy do dont go and make all these assumtpions
brownprincess555: most of the time you lie
LovelyFlame732: cause youre one of those people
LovelyFlame732: do you hate yourself?
brownprincess555: is becuas eyou care about that person
brownprincess555: and you dont want to hurt them
brownprincess555: and unless you dont care about anyone anywhere then mabey you might tell the truth all the time
brownprincess555: and i never said i hated ppl
brownprincess555: where did you et that?
LovelyFlame732: lying is apart of life...people are always going to do it so ou might as well except it and not block people out for things like that
LovelyFlame732: because i dont think it will be changing anytime soon
brownprincess555: where did you get that i plan on blocking ppl out?
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: where are you getting these stuff
LovelyFlame732: no im sayin, like you dont like ppl for it
LovelyFlame732: nvm w/e
brownprincess555: yea i dont like that ppl lie
brownprincess555: but u cant hate ppl for doing something in their nature
LovelyFlame732: shanae....trust me...if you were more religiously inclined and had a strong faith, you wouldnt have to question this topic
LovelyFlame732: I know b/c i myself and strong in my faith
brownprincess555: who said that im not strong in faith?
LovelyFlame732: its hard to understand but, idk...
LovelyFlame732: what your saying
brownprincess555: and there was a time when i was "religious incline" or whatever too
LovelyFlame732: about not wanting to go to church and what not
brownprincess555: but ive grown and opened my eyes to other posibilities
brownprincess555: and the fact that everything isn't true
brownprincess555: b/c ppl LIE
LovelyFlame732: ye shanae, its not like you can be w/ God once and thas it you're in
LovelyFlame732: you have to be faithful
LovelyFlame732: ur jus not gettin it shanae
LovelyFlame732: im srry
LovelyFlame732: y is it soo important that ppl lie
LovelyFlame732: seriously
LovelyFlame732: wut is it doing to u
LovelyFlame732: you said youself EVRYONE does it, so what's the problem? That;s how it is sorryy...
LovelyFlame732: Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God
LovelyFlame732: meaning God might as well have written the Bible himself
CrMlKiS1289: ok
CrMlKiS1289: my mom making me go to church
CrMlKiS1289: lol
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: your going?
CrMlKiS1289: i have 2
brownprincess555: when now?
CrMlKiS1289: no
brownprincess555: on a wednesday?
brownprincess555: aren't churches for sundays
CrMlKiS1289: no its revival
brownprincess555: um ok
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: when you have to go?
CrMlKiS1289: at 7
brownprincess555: oh
brownprincess555: as you know i dont go to church
brownprincess555: my mom doesn't believe in it
CrMlKiS1289: what in church
brownprincess555: i used to love going to church
brownprincess555: but now i understand why my mom doesn't like it
CrMlKiS1289: yea
brownprincess555: and i dont like it either
brownprincess555: plus i dont believe in the bible
brownprincess555: i believe in god and jesus
brownprincess555: but i dont believe in the bible
brownprincess555: cause it was written by ppl
brownprincess555: and ppl are desprate liars
CrMlKiS1289: lol wow
brownprincess555: and im sure ppl were desperate liars back then
brownprincess555: also
brownprincess555: i think my mom believes in the bible though
brownprincess555: i just dont
brownprincess555: i believe in preying
CrMlKiS1289: oh ok
CrMlKiS1289: lol
CrMlKiS1289: yea
brownprincess555: and god and stuff
brownprincess555: but not the bible cause ppl cant be trusted
brownprincess555: and not church
CrMlKiS1289: lol
CrMlKiS1289: yea
brownprincess555: cause um it teaches the bible
CrMlKiS1289: ppl in church cant be neither
brownprincess555: plus ppl take advantage of churches
brownprincess555: and i think its sick
brownprincess555: sick desperate ppl
brownprincess555: liars
brownprincess555: but when i grow up im gonna do what my mom did with me
CrMlKiS1289: and they make it seem like u have to go to church to go to heaven, or that being gay is wrong and all this stuff
CrMlKiS1289: which is not true
brownprincess555: and give me a choice to believe wat i want
brownprincess555: yea
brownprincess555: thats another reason why i dont like churches
brownprincess555: they are full of desperate ppl liars
CrMlKiS1289: being gay is not right, but god isnt going to hold that against you
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: yea
CrMlKiS1289: and ur not going to hell
brownprincess555: they make god sound so mean
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
brownprincess555: and i think thats wrong
CrMlKiS1289 : god is so patient
brownprincess555: and i dont believe in heaven and hell
brownprincess555: i think its another way for those desperate liar humans
CrMlKiS1289: lol
brownprincess555: to scare us into buying into what they say
brownprincess555: and thats how they got everyone to believe in the bible
brownprincess555: like if you dont read this
brownprincess555: your going ot hell
CrMlKiS1289 : lol yea
brownprincess555: and there is a hell
brownprincess555: and you are going to it
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
....(inimportant things were taking out here)
brownprincess555: b/c i think ppl lie
brownprincess555: its not that i dont believe in god and jesus or even the church
brownprincess555: my thing with the church is how ppl mistreat it
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
brownprincess555: and my thing with the bible is that its something to read
brownprincess555: and understand
brownprincess555: but after you read it and understand
brownprincess555: you question its truths
brownprincess555: like with every thing
CrMlKiS1289 : yea
brownprincess555: cause i think that there isno solid proof to these things
brownprincess555: kinda like in south park
CrMlKiS1289 : lol
brownprincess555: when they did the thing about some religion
brownprincess555: and they were saying what they believed
brownprincess555: and ppl looking insaw it for what it was
brownprincess555: crack pot
CrMlKiS1289 : lol
brownprincess555: a guy talking in a hat
brownprincess555: and saying all these things
brownprincess555: that had noproof
brownprincess555: and the everyone could tell the guy was crazy
CrMlKiS1289 : lol
now this is a convers i had with my other friend
brownprincess555: hey abby you here?
LovelyFlame732: heyy!
LovelyFlame732: waddup??
brownprincess555: hey!!
LovelyFlame732: lol
brownprincess555: talking to anisa about my religious beliefs
LovelyFlame732: oh relle
LovelyFlame732: u r an interesting one shanae
brownprincess555: her mom is making her go to church
LovelyFlame732: oh relle thas good
brownprincess555: i didn't know there was church on wednesday
LovelyFlame732: evryone needs it
LovelyFlame732: haha
LovelyFlame732: me either
brownprincess555: but anyway i was telling her how i dont believe in church and the bible
brownprincess555: but that i do believe in god and jesus and preying
brownprincess555: and being good not only for yourself but for the holy spirit that breathed life into you
LovelyFlame732: woahhh...dont let me get into that...
LovelyFlame732: if you believe in God, you should believe in the Bible and church b/c it all comes together in a way
brownprincess555: i think the reason i dont believe in churches and the bible is because i dont believe in ppl
LovelyFlame732: wen u go to church, ur giving back to God for everything he's doen for you
brownprincess555: i think they are desperate liars
brownprincess555: so do you when preying
brownprincess555: yea i think i rather prey to him and thank him at home
brownprincess555: then go to a room full of ppl
brownprincess555: cause as you know
LovelyFlame732: no, because that's just something you can do whenever..going to church is something you take a moment of your time for
brownprincess555: i dont like ppl all that much
LovelyFlame732: so it is different
brownprincess555: unless you've proven to me your not a desperate liar
brownprincess555: yea i understand what your saying
brownprincess555: and thats what i believe
LovelyFlame732: why do you think everyones a desperate liar?
brownprincess555: church is a place you go
brownprincess555: and take time out of your life
brownprincess555: to show god you appriciate him
LovelyFlame732: and you do it for God
brownprincess555: but the way they have made chiurches
brownprincess555: and the way ppl mistreat churches
brownprincess555: i think is wrong
LovelyFlame732: if you read the Bible, all these things you're questioning would never evn cross your mind
brownprincess555: anf thats why i dont want to be a part of it unless i find a church that is not like that
brownprincess555: you know what im saying?
LovelyFlame732: the Bible is the guide to life, and that's why you just cant believe in God w/o the Bible its just too incomplete
brownprincess555: read what i just wrote
LovelyFlame732: i did
brownprincess555: ok i dont believe in the bible
LovelyFlame732: brb
LovelyFlame732: srry
brownprincess555: b/c i dont believe in ppl
brownprincess555: and ppl wrote the bible
brownprincess555: and sometimes ppl lie
LovelyFlame732: soo srry
LovelyFlame732: bacc
LovelyFlame732: i had to get the door
brownprincess555: i hope your not mad or frustrated at me
LovelyFlame732: noo its jus theres soo much i wanna say yet i cant find the right wirds right now
brownprincess555: yea
brownprincess555: im writing a entry about it
brownprincess555: lol
LovelyFlame732: lol
LovelyFlame732: awesome
LovelyFlame732: look, all people lie sumtimes in their life
LovelyFlame732: thas not 2 say the whole the whole world is that way
LovelyFlame732: and to not believe in the Bible for sumthin like that is kinda ridiculous
brownprincess555: no i think if ppl lie now
LovelyFlame732: cause seriously, its said Moses wrote the Bible, do u relle think he'd lie about sumthin like that
LovelyFlame732: ten times out of ten pple lied back then
brownprincess555: everyone lies
brownprincess555: you cant tell me they dont
brownprincess555: i know you've lied once or twice in your life
LovelyFlame732: i just said that
LovelyFlame732: but im saying, you cant judge everyone because of what some people do
brownprincess555: no you also said LovelyFlame732: thas not 2 say the whole the whole world is that way
LovelyFlame732: there are eniugh good people out there to have enough faith in the human race
LovelyFlame732: ye i knoe
brownprincess555: but they lie too sometimes
LovelyFlame732: thas not 2 say the whole world lies
brownprincess555: everyone lies
LovelyFlame732: ye SOMETIMES
brownprincess555: b/c liing comes with caring
LovelyFlame732: but jus b/c tehy do dont go and make all these assumtpions
brownprincess555: most of the time you lie
LovelyFlame732: cause youre one of those people
LovelyFlame732: do you hate yourself?
brownprincess555: is becuas eyou care about that person
brownprincess555: and you dont want to hurt them
brownprincess555: and unless you dont care about anyone anywhere then mabey you might tell the truth all the time
brownprincess555: and i never said i hated ppl
brownprincess555: where did you et that?
LovelyFlame732: lying is apart of life...people are always going to do it so ou might as well except it and not block people out for things like that
LovelyFlame732: because i dont think it will be changing anytime soon
brownprincess555: where did you get that i plan on blocking ppl out?
brownprincess555: lol
brownprincess555: where are you getting these stuff
LovelyFlame732: no im sayin, like you dont like ppl for it
LovelyFlame732: nvm w/e
brownprincess555: yea i dont like that ppl lie
brownprincess555: but u cant hate ppl for doing something in their nature
LovelyFlame732: shanae....trust me...if you were more religiously inclined and had a strong faith, you wouldnt have to question this topic
LovelyFlame732: I know b/c i myself and strong in my faith
brownprincess555: who said that im not strong in faith?
LovelyFlame732: its hard to understand but, idk...
LovelyFlame732: what your saying
brownprincess555: and there was a time when i was "religious incline" or whatever too
LovelyFlame732: about not wanting to go to church and what not
brownprincess555: but ive grown and opened my eyes to other posibilities
brownprincess555: and the fact that everything isn't true
brownprincess555: b/c ppl LIE
LovelyFlame732: ye shanae, its not like you can be w/ God once and thas it you're in
LovelyFlame732: you have to be faithful
LovelyFlame732: ur jus not gettin it shanae
LovelyFlame732: im srry
LovelyFlame732: y is it soo important that ppl lie
LovelyFlame732: seriously
LovelyFlame732: wut is it doing to u
LovelyFlame732: you said youself EVRYONE does it, so what's the problem? That;s how it is sorryy...
LovelyFlame732: Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God
LovelyFlame732: meaning God might as well have written the Bible himself
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Kay is back!! Yea!!
Well I am going to have to go to sleep soon, I've been having the worst time sleeping. And though I dont want this to be a long entry I have a feeling it will be.lol. Anyway my best friend Kay is back online. which is great cause i get to talk to her. I moved away and now I hardly get a chance to talk to her, and when I did... I do have to say I acted like a total bitch (excuse my language). But the time away was cool, I went through soem things when she was gone 9that have not much to do with her), that if shes reading I really dont want to bother you with.And i was able to get myself situated (if i might say)
Many people say that you dont miss things till there gone. So true, and has been for most of my life. But I think you come to apreasiate things more when they are away too. She is one of my closest friends, and right now I am really coming to realize how valuable that is to me. I know that there is going to come a time when we stop talking all together (like all my other friends I've moved away from), and it's important to stay in touch as much as I can with my friends: anisa, karina, abby, pearl, and merlin (omg i really have to call her just at least to say hi, I miss her soooo much). Right now I just really want to cherish my friendships, because they are so so important to me. And i just want to say....Kay is back. oh Kay is back. KAY IS BA-BA-BAAACK!!!!
Many people say that you dont miss things till there gone. So true, and has been for most of my life. But I think you come to apreasiate things more when they are away too. She is one of my closest friends, and right now I am really coming to realize how valuable that is to me. I know that there is going to come a time when we stop talking all together (like all my other friends I've moved away from), and it's important to stay in touch as much as I can with my friends: anisa, karina, abby, pearl, and merlin (omg i really have to call her just at least to say hi, I miss her soooo much). Right now I just really want to cherish my friendships, because they are so so important to me. And i just want to say....Kay is back. oh Kay is back. KAY IS BA-BA-BAAACK!!!!
and thats all i have to say.lol......
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Comments
Hey, just saying that I'm putting the comments on. Funny how when they were on nobody cared. Guess it's true, you dont miss something till its gone. (or something like that-lol) Hope to see comments from now on. For those who wanted to comment b4 but couldn't becuase there was not alot you could say on my tag board or whatever, heres a little present from me to you. Well... its kinda like a present.lol. see you guys later. luv ya.
and thats all I have to say....
Friday, October 08, 2004
Oh the stereotypes (Reply)
I was reading this blog (can find it under the list of blogs i read) and this guy had an entry entitled "Oh the stereotypes". It was basically about the stereotypes we girls usually put on the boys. Now I always talk about the sterotypes men and basically society put on us girls. But i never came to think about the stereotypes that we girls put on boys.
Though most are true, and have been scientifically proven.lol. Just becuase the scientist say that the part of the male brain that controls his sexual urges and how much he thinks about sex is larger than the females, doesn't mean we girls should start judging every male by that information. Just becuase statistics show that boys think about sex every 15 seconds, doesn't mean we should judge them by that either. Though, as humans, it is in our nature to judge and characterize.
I hate being judged or characterized. But obviously we can't help it. And thats life (just figure out what you can fix about it and what you cant). We look at each other and form opinions about one another without even saying a word to each other. Its kind of a form of protection. If we sense that someone may have something wrong with them, then we steer away from them.
But how will you ever know if what you've assumed is correct without talkign to them or getting to know them, you may be asking. But think of this, what if you sensed something was wrong with someone, got to know them, then realized you were right but realized it too late. Poeple have a tendancy to lie, to hide the truth about things, about themselves.
My mom lives by something, that if her soul feels that something is wrong then she goes with it, because her soul seems to sense something that she may not see at first. Its helped her, and i live by it too, and it helps me. Mabey that feeling that our soul or conscience is sending off is kind of like that feeling that animals get when something bad is about to happen.
Yes, stereotypes are evil.lol. But think about it, where would we be without them. Where would we be without those "signs that someone might be a serial killer", or those "signs that she/he might be the one for you". Like I say all the time, we humans need something to believe in, something to trust in. I think stereotypes is just that.
Though most are true, and have been scientifically proven.lol. Just becuase the scientist say that the part of the male brain that controls his sexual urges and how much he thinks about sex is larger than the females, doesn't mean we girls should start judging every male by that information. Just becuase statistics show that boys think about sex every 15 seconds, doesn't mean we should judge them by that either. Though, as humans, it is in our nature to judge and characterize.
I hate being judged or characterized. But obviously we can't help it. And thats life (just figure out what you can fix about it and what you cant). We look at each other and form opinions about one another without even saying a word to each other. Its kind of a form of protection. If we sense that someone may have something wrong with them, then we steer away from them.
But how will you ever know if what you've assumed is correct without talkign to them or getting to know them, you may be asking. But think of this, what if you sensed something was wrong with someone, got to know them, then realized you were right but realized it too late. Poeple have a tendancy to lie, to hide the truth about things, about themselves.
My mom lives by something, that if her soul feels that something is wrong then she goes with it, because her soul seems to sense something that she may not see at first. Its helped her, and i live by it too, and it helps me. Mabey that feeling that our soul or conscience is sending off is kind of like that feeling that animals get when something bad is about to happen.
Yes, stereotypes are evil.lol. But think about it, where would we be without them. Where would we be without those "signs that someone might be a serial killer", or those "signs that she/he might be the one for you". Like I say all the time, we humans need something to believe in, something to trust in. I think stereotypes is just that.
and thats all i have to say....
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Cult or Religion (Whats the difference?)
OK, let me streight to the point so you can think about what I'm about to say. Cults. Religions. Whats the difference between the two. They both are based on our constant need, as humans, for something to believe in and worship. For an answer to what we are to do with this difficult thing we have in our posession. Life. The constant rules for what exactly to do to get into that "better place", that "after life", that "eternal life".
Now I'm not saying that cults are good or that I am against religion. All I'm saying is, what makes a cult a cult and religion a religion. Think about it, many times when we think about cults, we think about large groups of people sacrifising themselves for something they were foolish to believe in. We think of people being foolish to follow someone and believe in what they say, enough to sacrafies their lives. But isn't that what we do for religion. We base our lives on a book written many many many years ago. We believe in someone who we have never seen, and we dont even know if he is human. We have given our lives to this notion that if we live our lives by "the great book" that we will be blessed in our life to come. We are sacrifiesing our lives everyday. Living with constant fear of that notion of "heaven" and "hell". ( Some people dont believe in those two things, so to be as correct as possible of everything I'm saying, becuase this is a really contriversal topic -religion-, i have used quotations) Living with that constant fear of "if i do this then mabey i wont be blessed in my 'afterlife'".
Many look at the Egyptains and laugh about the fact that they would bury themselves with their belongings, for use in the "afterlife". But we are kind of doing the same thing. We are basing our lives on the "afterlife", you know. Think about the Mayans. They used to sacrifies humans and animals for their gods. If that way of religion was here today, what would that group of people be called but a cult. Mabey I'm wrong. I do believe I may be wrong about some of the things I've said, but I want a kind of understanding...
If you could eliminate something(s) in order to make the world a better place, what would you eliminate? Me, I would elimanate religion and money. Both causes us to worry, and thats the last thing we have to do. We are already worried about life, which has brought about these two things. But in that worrying , we just formed more things to worry about (which we do tend to do alot). Though, mabey I'll take back the answer to the question I just asked. Instead, I would like to eliminate that constant worry about life. That constant worry that we ill mess it up, or that someone else would mess it up. I would like to eliminate good and bad. That would get rid of "heaven" and "hell" wouldn't it. Then we would be able to live our lives. Without worry.
Ok. I wrote more than I wanted to. :)
Now I'm not saying that cults are good or that I am against religion. All I'm saying is, what makes a cult a cult and religion a religion. Think about it, many times when we think about cults, we think about large groups of people sacrifising themselves for something they were foolish to believe in. We think of people being foolish to follow someone and believe in what they say, enough to sacrafies their lives. But isn't that what we do for religion. We base our lives on a book written many many many years ago. We believe in someone who we have never seen, and we dont even know if he is human. We have given our lives to this notion that if we live our lives by "the great book" that we will be blessed in our life to come. We are sacrifiesing our lives everyday. Living with constant fear of that notion of "heaven" and "hell". ( Some people dont believe in those two things, so to be as correct as possible of everything I'm saying, becuase this is a really contriversal topic -religion-, i have used quotations) Living with that constant fear of "if i do this then mabey i wont be blessed in my 'afterlife'".
Many look at the Egyptains and laugh about the fact that they would bury themselves with their belongings, for use in the "afterlife". But we are kind of doing the same thing. We are basing our lives on the "afterlife", you know. Think about the Mayans. They used to sacrifies humans and animals for their gods. If that way of religion was here today, what would that group of people be called but a cult. Mabey I'm wrong. I do believe I may be wrong about some of the things I've said, but I want a kind of understanding...
If you could eliminate something(s) in order to make the world a better place, what would you eliminate? Me, I would elimanate religion and money. Both causes us to worry, and thats the last thing we have to do. We are already worried about life, which has brought about these two things. But in that worrying , we just formed more things to worry about (which we do tend to do alot). Though, mabey I'll take back the answer to the question I just asked. Instead, I would like to eliminate that constant worry about life. That constant worry that we ill mess it up, or that someone else would mess it up. I would like to eliminate good and bad. That would get rid of "heaven" and "hell" wouldn't it. Then we would be able to live our lives. Without worry.
Ok. I wrote more than I wanted to. :)
and thats all i have to say...
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Seriously
These past few months I've been so serious. I dont really know why. Mabey its because I've grown, or mabey its because I'm out of school, or mabey its beacuase Karina was a bad imfluence on me and brought out my crazy side.lol. But either way I've been more serious then I've ever been in my life. I think thats another way my friendships are distancing. I'm not as crazy as I've been, and where does that put me and my two friends that i was always crazy with?
So much has changed with me. Highschool is a big example. I'm not as talkative and I'm really soft spoken there. Mabey cause I'm out of my element and I'm taking percautions. Mabey thats why I've been acting the way I have in general. I'm out of my element. But then again where is my element.
When i moved to New Brunswick I was sure that wasn't my element and i would hate it, but i found a way to leave with great experiences and great friends. I can only hope that for Irvington. I guess i really dont have an element. Sayreville to me would be my safest bet. Mainly because im used to that place. Its built something in my heart.
Well... getting off the point slightly. I'm sick of thinking of ways why I feel distanced. I am freakin distanced. So..... mabey today I'll have fries for lunch instead of pizza. Though that pizza feels me up. Ok, thats it, thats what i want to work on. I want to work on steering away from my safe spot, and try new things. I am up for any new experiences put out there for me. But what about the experiences i can make for myself.
So much has changed with me. Highschool is a big example. I'm not as talkative and I'm really soft spoken there. Mabey cause I'm out of my element and I'm taking percautions. Mabey thats why I've been acting the way I have in general. I'm out of my element. But then again where is my element.
When i moved to New Brunswick I was sure that wasn't my element and i would hate it, but i found a way to leave with great experiences and great friends. I can only hope that for Irvington. I guess i really dont have an element. Sayreville to me would be my safest bet. Mainly because im used to that place. Its built something in my heart.
Well... getting off the point slightly. I'm sick of thinking of ways why I feel distanced. I am freakin distanced. So..... mabey today I'll have fries for lunch instead of pizza. Though that pizza feels me up. Ok, thats it, thats what i want to work on. I want to work on steering away from my safe spot, and try new things. I am up for any new experiences put out there for me. But what about the experiences i can make for myself.
and thats all i have to say....
Monday, October 04, 2004
Alien Territory
Today in creative writing we read this short story by Margaret Atwood called Alien Territory. It was pretty much devised out of mutiple essays. Here is my favorite of the essays. Tell me what you think about it.
"The history of war is a history of killed bodies. That's what war is: bodies killing other bodies, bodies being killed.
Some of the bodies being killed are those of women and children, a side effect, as you might say. Fallout, shrapnel, napalm, rape and skewering, antipersonnel devices. But most of the killed bodies are men. So are most of those doing the killing.
Why do men want to kill the bodies of other men? Women don't want to kill the bodies of other women. By and large. As far as we know.
Here are some traditional reasons: Loot. Territory. Lust for power. Hormones. Andrenaline high. Rage. God. Flag. Honor. Righteous anger. Revenge. Opression. Slavery. Starvation. Defense of one's life. Love; or, a desire to protect the women and children. From what? From the bodies of other men.
What men are most afraid of is not lions, not snakes, not the dark, not women. Not anymore. What men are most afraid of is the body of another man.
Men's bodies are the most dangerous things on earth."
Some of the bodies being killed are those of women and children, a side effect, as you might say. Fallout, shrapnel, napalm, rape and skewering, antipersonnel devices. But most of the killed bodies are men. So are most of those doing the killing.
Why do men want to kill the bodies of other men? Women don't want to kill the bodies of other women. By and large. As far as we know.
Here are some traditional reasons: Loot. Territory. Lust for power. Hormones. Andrenaline high. Rage. God. Flag. Honor. Righteous anger. Revenge. Opression. Slavery. Starvation. Defense of one's life. Love; or, a desire to protect the women and children. From what? From the bodies of other men.
What men are most afraid of is not lions, not snakes, not the dark, not women. Not anymore. What men are most afraid of is the body of another man.
Men's bodies are the most dangerous things on earth."
and thats all I have to say....
Saturday, October 02, 2004
LEO
Leo
Article in black. My comments are in red.
Your sign is that of dramatic Leo, the fifth sign of the zodiac, and the sign of generosity and nobility. It stands for self-expression and the unfolding of the internal power principle. Generous and self-aware, you are truly king of the jungle.
The Sun, defines the dominant traits of your personality and your basic character. This makes you a self-assured, magnanimous (yea, i am like that) , and buoyant person (omg if someone else calls me that, or jolly, or perky.lol) who enjoys being the center of attention (yea, but i thought everyone was like that) , and others often see you as invincible, because your courage and charisma are so impressive. (i dont quite know about that)
Your sign is the second of the fire signs, which makes you a strong-willed (yea i am strong-willed when it comes to me and my future and my wants and needs)and courageous individual, with great leadership qualities. Your aura radiates magnetism and dignity like the rays around the sun.
You rule the fifth house of the horoscope, which is the section associated with pleasure, creativity, and play. This includes romance, children, gambling and speculation, hobbies, sports, fun and games. Your desire to live out your emotions is powerful (omg, so true), and you constantly seek new ways of self-expression. (omg omg, so so so so so true)
The mode of a Leo is fixed, which means that you are passive in your need for admiration, expecting others to naturally notice and approach you (yea, i do). You enjoy stability and comfort, and are generous in sharing it with others. (yea, i do try to comfort others, and try to be there for them and help them sort out things)
Your strengths, dear Leo, lie in your open-minded (omg, abby was saying the same thing a few days ago; man shes smart.lol.) and extremely faithful nature. You tend to act as the protector of the downtrodden, and when taking sides, most often root for the underdog. (yea) In relationships, you are sincere, genuine, and trusting, (yea i am, expecially if i really like you or think highly of you) because you hold high ethical standards. (omg yea i do)
However, even you have weaknesses, dear Leo! At times, you have a tendency to become vain and egocentric (omg yea i do, expecially evident lately), and get anxious and hypersensitive when you don't get the attention you want (omg, i think thats what has been going on lately too). If you are fishing for compliments and get a dissatisfying result, you compensate by displaying arrogance, and are very capable of delivering a grandiose and exaggerated performance. (I deliver a grandiose [omg that used to be my word, wheres pearl when you need her.lol.] and exaggerated performance when i stub my toe on something.lol. Let alone when i dont get what i want.lol.)
and thats all I have to say...
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Black vs. White vs. Black
"It is important for the Black community
not to sterotype all Whites nor blame them for all our problems
'There are those of our color and not of our kind
while there are those of our kind and not of our color'"
Ebony Magazine
Today we had this black history teacher come to substitute for our creative writing class. He started talking about black history and what has happened to blacks and what is happening to black ppl now. Now im an african american 14 year old female, who like most other black children dont know much about their african decent (other than we were brought here as slaves). My history has been wiped out. Thats why i hate days like flag day, i think its an insult to african american children, while everyone else parades a flag from their contires what flags do we have, an american flag? Ameirca is not where our ancestors come from, its not where our history began but becuase the knowlege of our history was wiped out, thats all us black kids have.
When people start talking about african americans and our history and the problems we face today, I dont know where i stand. I dont agree with the fact that all white people are racist and to blame for all our problems, but i do believe rasism is still here. the teacher said one thing that was so true: "slavery may have ended, but racism did not." that so true, and not only for whites vs. black but also for blacks vs. whites. i do think we should learn about our history, the truth about it, not what they feed us in our text books, but we shouldn't use that information to build hate in our hearts.
I was watching real world, and i totally agreed with what Karomo was saying. White men are never going to understand Black men, because we are not only different in color but in lifestyle and the way people treat us. Over the years Black men have suffered tremendously; look at today there are more african american men in jail then in colleges. Though i am not the kind of person who thinks that its all White peoples faults, its a big part of our falts too. Black people dont stick together. Only a few days before Dr. Marten Luther King was assasinated, there were black people who were rallying against him becuase the FBI said he was a comunist. We dont support each other,which we need to start doing. And i dont mean (well i guess in a way I do) paying money and going out to see every black produced directed etc film. But i also mean unite with the serious issues like the way the urban schools are being held and the way black people ae rapidly going to jail.
My head is in so many places. I think that we as balck people tend to discriminate ourselves and put ourselves down. For examble: a white boy who talks ignorant and dresses sloppy is "trying to be black". WHAT? Thats saying that we are ignorant and sloppy and dont take care of our selves. But ignorant black people do that. The way black people can use the "N" word but other people cant. I believe that other people expecially shouldn't be using the "N" word, but we shouldn't either (just another form of ignorance to me).
I see that there are people rooting for us as a cultire to fail. But thats with everyone. But some of us black people are so ignorant and give them something to root on. I think before we start blaming people for our problems, we have to look at ourselves and see the problems within us. Yes! There is still racism. Yes! There is still prejudice and mistreatment. Yes! We were done wrong in the past. But to dwell on it obviously isn't making it better. I think we all have to realize that we all are different, and except that. Stop blaming each other and start thinking of ways to live with each other becuase the hatred in your heart gets passed on to your children. We dont want to continue this.
and thats all i have to say....
For Now.....
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Friendship
"Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable
things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a
person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in
cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant
things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them."
Oliver Wendell Holmes
things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a
person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in
cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant
things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them."
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Everyone has their own definition of friendship. Everyone has their own notion of how a friends should be. Everyone has their own notion of what kind of friend they should be to others. Sometimes people come short of that notion, sometimes you dont live up to it yourself. When we think of friendship we think of a position in which two people share a common bond. Someone you can trust, to point out your bad, compliment your good, and be able to be their even when it seems like your not your best; someone who is thier by your side regardless.
I must say that i haven't been much of a friend to my best friend lately. So many things going on, i just dont feel like im in my safe zone lately. I find myself picking fights and just being a really iritated person. And i admit that. Knowing this, and knowing she knows this, all i want is someone to stand by me, because i am in a time of need. I need someone to balance me out. I'm so far away from friends that i used to see everyday. The only time i get to talk to them is on the computer, and then i come on and theres nothing. No one there to have my back. I come on line and the conversation is no more than a "hi" and "goodbye". I'm frustrated and i feel alone. I feel like theres no one there- at least like it used to be.
I guess thats another thing. I feel deserted by all my friends. Miles and miles away are my friends. I dont even get to see them and i cant even come online and expect a cool conversation. And then when i finally have a good day and i feel like joking around and stuff, here comes member of my suport team, only to be miserable and push that misery off to me. "Misery loves company."
Last time i stopped talking to my friend, I really forgot what it was about. Wait... no i dont. I pointed out a few things i said before and some other negative things-i was in a negative mood. Well anyway, one of my friends came back all offended and really aggressive. Funny... she was the only one to react that way (?). Anyway, we i guess resolved it. Didn't talk it out though, which is why i put the "guess" because i dont belive anythings resolved until you come to a common point. There was no coming to a common point and i think thats whats the problem.
I feel that i want my friends to point out negatives, because i feel like they are the only ones i would want to point them out. There are so many enemies out there willing and ready. I in return will point out negatives to. That is in addition to having my back, us being able to talk about whatever without an argument insuing, and for us to have that common bond, that friendship. Obvious mabey not all my friends see eye to eye with that.
I have to honestly say i have like three best friends, like friends that are on a higher level then others (i wouldn't called them best though, so scratch that). And i want to have all those things that i said before with them. The way things are going i barely talk to one and have barely been speaking to her since i left town, I can talk to the other about anything, shes so cool and supported and i have to say pretty much gets me in the best possible way a friend could, then i have my third friend who i have a fight with everyother friend, we are drifting away, we're not seeing eye to eye, and theres basically not communication because of our , i guess, priorities-basically most of the above qualities of a friendship i want to have is not looking like its hapening. But i have a respect for all of them and they mean so much to me and basically i love them to death.
I guess what i want may be a fictiona relationship, never seemed like it before but reality is that its not working at least. Mabey my wanting the negatives to be out in the open are fictional. We have enemies for that, i guess. Mabey all i need is courtesy , majorly on my part (Leo over here.lol), and just friendship on theirs. I realy keep saying that i want to change and this is an aspect of what i'd like to change, the way i am to toher people. *sighs* Basically, at the end of the day, i just want a friend, someone to talk to, have fun with, joke with, someone who is there for me, like everyone else in the world. Without that, without them, i am both lonely and alone.
and thats all i have to say....
Monday, September 27, 2004
Anticipation
"A great source of calamity lies in regret and anticipation;
therefore a person is wise who thinks of the present alone,
regardless of the past or future. -Oliver Goldsmith
therefore a person is wise who thinks of the present alone,
regardless of the past or future. -Oliver Goldsmith
Yesterday my mom and me had a dispute. The computer keeps messing up and its so frustrating having to restore it over and over again. Since I am basically the only one who uses the computer, of course I’m blamed for it, among other things. She blames me for everything that goes wrong, holds me responsible for anything done or not done. It’s frustrating. Besides that, she cannot pronounce anything without yelling on the top of her lungs. So that also frustrates me. So yesterday night we just basically collided, both of us annoyed, bad-tempered, stubborn Leo's. It wasn't anything nice.
She just went on and on about how she gets stuff and we don’t take care of it. Which in fact is true, but most of the time we don’t do them purposely. Hey, why would I purposely mess up a computer that controls my mere existence [slightly exaggerated]? Anyway i was annoyed and frustrated [as stated before] and all i could do to calm me was repeat over and over again: "just four more years". Just four more years and i would be gone. Four more years and i wont have to worry about this. Four more years and you wont have me to blame. Four more years and we can pretend not to exist to each other. Four more years.
It calmed me a great deal. I started to recognize that sort of feeling. I do it all the time. October 15th or 30th and i wont have to be in this house anymore. I do it a great deal. And that some how bothers me. That i can’t find anything better than anticipation to calm myself. That i use that and regret to justify my feelings of needs and wants.
What is life without regret or anticipation? What is a life without "what if"? It wouldn't be a life worth living. Though it may be wise to not linger in the past or future, it is something we cannot control. Something that is human nature to us all. And those who have had the privilege in living life without a single regret or anticipation, they are like inhuman to us. All human beings wish to focus on the present, but why. Most reasons behind it are so that we make a better future for our selves, or so that the past doesn't repeat itself. What is that but lingering on about the past and future? These things are our present, our past and future. Things we couldn't be without.
and that’s all i have to say....
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Murderer
I really didn't mean to hurt you
And I never ever meant to make you cry
My soul is so empty and dissipated
You've left me here to die
I too wish that fortune for myself
But its our child that makes me go on
For me to kill your only chance in happiness
Will leave me feeling wretched and wrong
My soul is slowly slipping
Now that your no longer near
My life filled with empty shadows
And bloody sounds in my ears
I've stolen away your only reason
To ever go on and live
You were my angel, with a heart I stabbed
Leaving you to no longer give
Even now my selfishness
Shines so brightly through
As I feel sorry for my sheer existence
No longer having you
My heart full of pain and abandonment
Far too much than I'll ever need
For I've stolen your only soul
Leaving you to lie here and bleed
By Shanae Terrell
*please don't copy and pass my poem off as yours
*please don't copy and pass my poem off as yours
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Impeccable Love
With such an impregnable devotion
I sit here with a prolonging passion
For you to come and trace along my being
Send me into complete extacy
For many days and many years to come
I'll ensue behind with my crush for you
Unsure of what to do of it
When you have long forgotten your love for me
You make it such a preposterous task
In getting over such an impeccable soul as you
When you affront me the way you do
And send me into rage that makes me hate you so
As you long to be hers
And I long to be yours
And have you such tormoil towards me
As you do for her
Who doesn't even worship you repute as i do
Won't you see through your narrow minded skul
lThat you should be with me and me with you
Or is that something you just can't see
By Shanae Terrell
*please dont copy and pass my poem off as yours
Lonely
I lie in bed
and reminence the days gone by
I try to find hope somewhere
yet I've been covered in lies
I look for a love
who seems not to be there
I'm dreaming of you
as you glide you hands through my hair
But such happiness
was soon to leave
I've waited far too long
to dare to dream
And as your feelings for me
soon subside
And the tears i hold
I can't bear to hide
I cry silent tears
as time passes through
As you leave me lonely
like you always do
By Shanae Terrell
and reminence the days gone by
I try to find hope somewhere
yet I've been covered in lies
I look for a love
who seems not to be there
I'm dreaming of you
as you glide you hands through my hair
But such happiness
was soon to leave
I've waited far too long
to dare to dream
And as your feelings for me
soon subside
And the tears i hold
I can't bear to hide
I cry silent tears
as time passes through
As you leave me lonely
like you always do
By Shanae Terrell
*please dont copy and pass my poem off as yours
My First Love
I dont know how to explain it;
The feelings that i feel
I can explode with desire
At that time you were near
Confused and bewildered
About how much you mean to me
Feelings dont fit into words
But emotions still sound like poetry
Just to have this feeling
About you,right now
Then to be so shy and soft spoken
I just dont know why, nor how
To have such feeling about someone
I suppose not to know so well
But the thoughts of you now
Make my chest burst and my heart swell
So many words, thoughts, and feelings
That i want you to hear from me
But when the time comes, on the phone
I can barely even speak
The feelings that i feel
I can explode with desire
At that time you were near
Confused and bewildered
About how much you mean to me
Feelings dont fit into words
But emotions still sound like poetry
Just to have this feeling
About you,right now
Then to be so shy and soft spoken
I just dont know why, nor how
To have such feeling about someone
I suppose not to know so well
But the thoughts of you now
Make my chest burst and my heart swell
So many words, thoughts, and feelings
That i want you to hear from me
But when the time comes, on the phone
I can barely even speak
By Shanae Terrell
*please dont copy and pass my poem off as yours
*please dont copy and pass my poem off as yours
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