Dad

i dont really know what i am going to do after my brithday and RUB is over. im kinda trying to avoid thinking about it. i've been thinking alot about myself and where i come from. it makes me sooo sad to know that i realy dont know myself. im like iterally lost and ve been lost for sooo long....i miss my dad (wow where did that come from) i guess i have always missed him but i never let mysef admit it. i always though that its normal, alot of ppl live without their dads. but lately it just been hurting. i guess it always has hurt. i dont know how i feel about him. i mean i havent seen or heard from hi in sooo long. i never realize how much its hurted all these years or how much its effected me. i remeber when i was little i loved my dad sooo much. i loved everything that i could find out about him. i loved anything about my that reflected him in anyway. but now i dont know.. i remember when i was three. my mom used to babysit and she always used to tell me how much i looked like my dad. b/c most ppl always commited on how much me and her look alike and how much we sound alike and everything. i remember her telling me one day how i didn't have a butt like hers. how i had one like my dad. i was soo happy and excited (why i dont really know) i just ran out to the back yard where all the kids were and i just yelled "i got my daddy's butt i got my daddy's butt" over and over again.lol...i remeber my mom used to take me to visit him at his store. and i would spend the day with him. and i would hang out with him at his store and he would take pictures of me. (actually i dont know if he did or if i just remember him doing it) but anyway i rember him have a black car i think. and when we were done he would driveme to nana christy's house where my mom would be.i never understood how important those visits were until now. i guess if i had i would have tried my best to remember everything about him. how he smells, how he sounded, how he looked....a few years ago my mom asked me why i kept everything. i thought about it and i guess its b/c we were always moving and so i wanted to remember everything about my times at where we were living. i haven't forgotten my friends but i dont speak tothem at all since i left. and i guess thats why i was soo worried about moving to irvington. i was sure i would forget karina and anisa and ester and all my friends here.not that i would forget them but that i would never hear from them again. karina alsways used to try to assure me that that wouldn't happen but i knew it would and i still know that when time comes for us to move our seprate ways im going to lose contact with them like i have with most of my friends. pearl is my best friend. she was as close tome as karina is . probably closer. and thats what scares me. i hardly even talk to her now. i think i haven't talked to her since like last year. so im trying ot keep as many memories as i could. but really i dont thik thast the whole reason.i think its more cause i dont remeber my dad. i dont remeber how he smeled or how he sounded or how he even looks. and it hurts me soo much. hes such a big part of me and i cant even remeber how he looks.....ive always loved him soo much nd rewarded him for things he probably didn't even do. i remember when i was like 8 or 7. yea i thin i was 7. i got two doll houses one from my mom and one from my dad. i remember oe was ok. it was funto play with but compared to the other one it was like ok. my other one was sooo cool. it was like this lego thing. it took my moths to put it together. the house came like hollow. you had the put the legos in. and design the house and weverything (that may be why i like interior designing now) i had it set up in the living room and i would go sit on the couch (the same one we have now. i think ive had that counch since i was like 6. it was newer then of couse. in fact it hadn't satrted looking the way it does till like recently. b/c it looked really knew till like we moved it to irvington and the movers messed it up. b/c my mom takes good care of her stuff. she always told me that you should only have to buy something once. if you take good care of it then you wont have to keep buying it over and over again. i mean only recently have i been allowed to even sit on it. cause when i was groeing up there was no need to be sitting on the couch messing up the lether with my jean when i had my own room that i could play in. and ive always had me own room soo...)anyway i would sit on the couch and work so hard on that doll house. i loed it so much. mostly b/c it was fun. and also b/c i thought my dad brought it for me. i had finally finished it arond the time my mom was having her baby shower for my baby brother who was about to be born (aka bad ass rahrah lol). anyway i was soo proud and i had it in my room. but why did my little cousin (my real little cousin whos actually realated to me) he smashed it and i had to throw it away. i was sooo hurt. so angry. sooo upset. plus it was the only doll set that my dad "brought " me. but later i found out it was the one my mom brought me and the "ok" one was the one my dad brought me. but till this day i still felt like he did. even thogh i know he didn't buy it for me i like ot remember him buying i anyway......lol i remeber hating radio shop b/c of my dad.lol. i remeber i went to new york to stay with my nana christy (shes adopted family) b/c my bro was being born. and i used to ride bies with my cousina and i had my first summer romance then. omg he was sooo cute, i think he was kinda puerto rican. i dont remeber. i know he was lght skinned. and ok let me pause from talking about my father. ok so i guess i kinda knew him from a while since i was like three. i owuld see them around. i never really liked them. i remember i was riding my bike that summer and that lttle hepher of his sister pushed me off or something. and so then i told my cousina and she tld the girls mom and i dont think the girl got in troble. but we did end up being friends. i stated hanging out with the kids that lived on the block. i remeber one day i came out and his siter started pulling my arm. teling me that there was a surprise for me. and i was like "um ok"lol and so she led me where a couple of the kids were and where he was. (omg when i think about it i get that feeling of shyness and embaressment just like when it happened) lol ok so that was the summer that Nicole Rays -"Make it hot" came out. (and i think thats why i went out and brought the album too) anyway and so they had written the lyrics on this biggie poster. and he like performed it for me. thinking about it . it was so adorable.ok and so i gess we went out that summer but then i had to leave and so that was over.lol......ok back to my father and why i hated radio shack (thats what it's called...lol radio shop ok) anyway so i used to ride around with my cousin on our bikes. my dads shop was like just right around the corner from where my nana christy lived and so i would we would ride over there to buy candy and stuff. and so then one day i was looking for my daddys shop and it wasn't there. all i saw was this new radio shack there. so i thought that my dads store had gotten sold to radio shack and radio shack was the reason why it wasn't there anymoe. and so i just assumed that that was th reason i adn't been able to see my father for all that time. so i decided to boycott radio shack. i hated radio shack sooo much. i refused to go their to buy anything. i didn't even like seeing it or hearing the name "radio shack" lol. but later i found out it wasn't radio shacks fault.lol. and so i started going there again. but ive stll never bought anything from there.lol...anyway i think the last time i heard from my father was on the phone when i was 8. i dont think i even recognized his voice when i heard it. he such a big part of me. he has had a great influence on how i see boys. i think thats why i dont mess with black boys that much. b/c ive seen how my dad left me and my mom. i remember when i was six, thats when i decided i was never going to marry a black man. and being that young my reason as b/c i didn't want to have a baby and be left all alone to care for it like my mom had to with me. seeing my mom struggle all these years to provide for me by herself has made me view men in a very different life. i dont hate guys. i just dont want to get hurt like my mom did. thoguh i understadn anyone and everyones capable of hurting you....when i was little and i used to get hit for doing something bad i remeber crying and calling out to my mommy. my mm alsways said how she didn't understand why i was crying out to her when she was the one who was punishing me. i remeber i tried calling out to my dad but after a while it didn't feel right. like whats the point. what could he do. i mean he wasn't there. my mom has aways been the only dad ive ever known and i love her for that. she has been the only one i coud len on and the only one i could call on. shes been the only one i could talk to and the only one who knows me good enough to know how to push my buttons. the only father figure ive ever had that was actually a male was Mr. Vic. and thast why i hurted so much when e died. i remeber thinking would i be this sad if someone told me that my father died. theni thought of how my father could be dead now and i wuldn't even know. i guess it would hurt. not b/c of what we had but what we didn't have and what we would never have. though Mr. Vic isn't that special either. hes hurt my mom also. after he died my mom was torn and i think its been like a month and shes still hurtin. i remember a few weeks ago she told me to never get involved with someone like Mr. Vic b/c it would only end up hurting me. how men, when they have someone who is smart and intelligent and nice and has their best interest on hand they always leave for some whore who just wants them for what they have. how they figure you'l always be ther and thats why they can treat you how ever and still expect you to love them. my mom told me how this guy had poposed to her b4 i was born. he was smart and had something going for him but instead my mom went for my dad. not once though did my mom seem like she regretted it. and i love her for that. she said she doesnt regreat anything that shes done b/c its left her with me and my brother and im sooo thankful for that. God has a reason for everything and im happy for that.... all my life its been me and mom and even though i miss my dad. i kinda like it this way

...and thats all i have to say