Movie Night

so anisa is supposed to be having a movie night. shes been talking about it for a while and i have been kinda of excited about it. though, lately i kinda dont wanna go. i mean its probably not happening since anisa is going to spening the day with armando. so we cant have it then. and shes thinking of changing it to sunday but if she does that karina can't come. even if we have it and everyone comes, im gonna feel out of place. i've been to enough parties where it was anisa and armando, karina and her boyfriend, and then me. i already know how it makes me feel and i already know that i dont like putting my self in that situation. i always end up getting upset. i honestly do not need to be puting myself in a situation that is going to make me feel bad.

i dont think i would have had as much fun if it wasn't for robert and marcos, at stephanies cook out. i hung out with karina most of the time but after a certain point she started acting spaced out and you could tell she was thinking about her boyfriend. i'm not really talking to jesse like that in theses past days. i dont know. i think hes mad at me. but i dont know... who cares. and im not gonna have someone like robert or marcos there to keep me from being bored or upset. i dont know. and im kinda afraid to go and it just be me, anisa, armando, karina, her boyfriend, and jesse. cause i know in the end ill be hanging with jesse and we haven't hung out that much since everything went down. and i dont know where his head is at. but oh well. i gotta do my debate research.

...and thats all i have to say

Bad Habits

theres alot of bad habits i've been falling back on to. and lately its all just been this big oh you need to fix your bad habits in order to become a better person. my techers have been saying the same thing and the stars are even telling me so. each day im reminded of how much i need to change. i have been trying though. i've been trying to talk about my feelings more lately and about things going on in my life to the ppl around me. b/c in order for me to be able to lean on those who i love when im down and out i must keep them in tuned with my life. if they dont know whats going on they wont know how to help me. i have to stop trying to fix everything all by myself. if i need help i need help. and when i do need help i need to be able to be able to fall on my "one accord"(i'll get to that in a minuite).

i really just need to improve myself. i've been praying to God to help me forgive those who have hurt me in the past and have made me feel lonely. and i need to deal with whats making me feel certain ways. and i really need to improve my confidence and self esteem.and according to my horoscope the stars are supposedly going to boost my confidence and will power. so thats pleasant to hear. but i dont expect to just wake up and everything to be better. i cant just rid years of having a poor attitude about myself but you know what even though i may not be the prettiest girl ever i still think i can work on myself and feel better about myself.

anyway on sunday i went to church. i go to abigails church (yea and abby you should have been in church hopefully you did make it to a church ;) hope you had fun. hope to see you next week) ok so the preacher was talking about one accord and being in one accord. and how we should keep ourselves with ppl who share the same beliefs and support us. he said soethign that made me so.... i dont know. he said how when we are hurting how we should put our selves with ppl who love and care, and understand and are willing to carry our burdens for us....and are willing to carry our burdens for us. i dont know about you but how many people are willing to carry your burdens. i can only think of a few and those ppl are the ppl i call my closest friends. but even they, im not sure, are willing to carry all my burdens. i dont know. all i know if for me to expect that from my friends and family i must first give it to them. well anyway then he ended with these verses:

"6And the crowds with one accord paid attention to what was being said by Philip when they heard him and saw the signs that he did. 7For unclean spirits came out of many who were possessed, crying with a loud voice, and many who were paralyzed or lame were healed. 8So there was much joy in that city."
-Acts 8:6-8

yea, alot of you may not be religious. im just recently trying to become religious. i dont know. i just felt a need to be closer to God. i was going through things that only He could help me sort out. i just wanted to surround myself with ppl "with one accord" so i could feel better. and i am thankful for abby introducing her church to me and for all my friends who support me. those verses just kinda remind me of what i was searchin for and what i found. and one of the main reasons im doing better now.

...and thats all i have to say

Rilo Kiley-Portions for Foxes

this song just reminds me of something/someone. anyway i like it. i hope you like it too. dont try to guess what it reminds me of either. :)

Artist: Rilo Kiley
Song: Portions for foxes
Album: More Adventurous

There's blood in my mouth
Cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talking trash
But I never say anything
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone
If I'm with or without you
But just being around you
Offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you
And I call you and say "come here!"

And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news, baby, it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me, like you

Cause we'll all be portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty
And she's real into you
And then she's sleeping inside of you
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news, I don't blame you
I do the same thing, I get lonely too

And you're bad news, my friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
I like you

horoscope

Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars have a cheering section for you, and they're spelling out a certain word: C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E. As in: If you've got something on your mind and in your heart, spill it. People can't help if they don't know you need it.

this is my horoscope for thursday. funny how they sometimes can relate to your life. the oter ones kinda didn't have anything to do with me but this one did. i just decided to look at all my back up horoscopes beacuse 1. i wanted to see whether or not i should keep my horoscope coming to me by mail (i hardly look at it) 2. my horoscope in the newspaper was sooooo true that i wanted to see if the horoscope this week had actually predicted all tat happened to me. anyway this is the only thing i found that related and i began to think about what kay said. ***thanks again karina for the e card and the responce***

i was talking to miseal, a while back, about it all and he was saying how i shouldn't bottle things up, or put my feelings aside just for the happiness of others. and how my happiness should be the most important thing to me. but i dont know, pathetic enough, i just can't do that.i dont know. i just cant imagine how hurt i'd be if anything happened to any of my family or friends. so i try my best to make sure everythings ok , when i can.

lately i have been more into my feelings and i think thats why i have been able to be more happier. only recently have i been sad but thats another story that ill never talk about on here. i think i should do what my morning horoscope in the newspaper said. i didn't realize it or i didn't want to but i am kinda hurt, more hurt than i expected but anyway im not thinking about that...anyway i just check my todays horoscope in my email. ha ha. let me show you.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You're warm, openhearted and generous. So are your friends and family. If you need something from them, whether it's material or more intangible, don't be afraid to ask.

wow. i dont know about that. i dont like asking ppl for stuff. and i dont like feeling like a bother or having ppl think im annoying.anyway im kinda tired, hungry and annoyed cause im hungry

....so i guess thats all i have to say

...till next time

Game

heres a new poem. im not that crazy about it but well...you see for yourself.

my heart
like a toy
you wound around your finger
till it breaks
a ragdoll, am i
you leftshattered and disfigured
no bandages, big enough
to cover this pain
my feelings
like cards
you shuffled
until it spilled, all over the place
my head confused
like a morning nightmare
keeps playing in my mind
till time stops

i just got home from drill team. it was ok but i kinda messed up alot. but thats not really important. anyway on my home in the cab, i couldn't help think over what has been up. i mean if it was about something that happened recently, i wouldn't be that upset. everything that has happened latly that i could et upset about is not really that important. i mean the thing with jrotc is soo not important. i can get over the thing that happened in school b4 i walked home. and the thing with a certain person, really isn't that serious. i made sure of it. i mean i know how to protect myself in certain situations so that when it does end up on a bad note i wont be crushed. expecially with dealing with boys. anyway. i realized, i wasn't upset about somethig that happened today or even these past weeks. im upset over something that has been happening for about fourteen years. all my life (for those who were confused). when i was thinking of it i kept saying to myself "everything is coming to a head" but really "everythings just filling up above the rim". it cant be something recent b/c the only time i get sad like this is when i feel lonely or unwanted or unimportant.

it has been the only thing that has been able to make me cry. it is the only thing that has made me cry soo hard that body would start to ache. the only thing that has prevented me from doing things i wanted to do and even being who i am. its the only thing that i fear . its the only thing that has been able to tear me down. hello, my name is shanae and i have abandonmanet issues. lol. oh god, this is gonna be the toughest thing ive ever had to say/write. i can tell already. i dont understand but im happy that i finally realize it.

when i was little and i would get hit for being bad and i wanted to cry for as long as possible, thats what i'd use. i'd just think over and over again about my father leaving me, or the guy i had a crush on, or the friends that i felt at the time didn't "love" me, whatever that made me feel lonely would make me cry. when i was depressed it was because i felt lonely. anytime i've been depressed its been because of that. i say to myself over and over again, that i just want to be happy. but pathetic enough i just want to feel loved and cared for, like everyone else.

i dont know. ive moved so many times. and i never had that chance to have that one friend that i grew up with or who knew me inside and out or who was my "best" friend...i've always felt so misunderstood. i never felt like i fit in and i never felt like i was part of a group. the last time i've ever felt like i was or might have been was in second grade. but im not in second grade anymore, i'm in ninth....god, my eyes are sooo red right now. i always thought that i lieked being the only child. i still do. but sometimes when i cry i feel like that little girl with no brothers and sisters and with nothing to do but play by myself.

for years and years, i've sat and taken things, just letting it soak in and be bottled up. i've taken the kids asking "why do you talk like that" since i was two. i've taken the adult asking "where are you from" (just a politer way of say " why do you talk like that, your not like us") since i was two. i've been the third wheel since the first time we moved. i've had to deal with not having a father all my life. i have had to deal with practically not having a mother b/c she has to work extra hard to provide for me and my brother, becuase no other person in the world will help her. i've taken everything, with a smile or just laughed it off, and just bottled it up and called it a day. trying not to think about it, but hurting that much more.

i don't like who i've become becuase of it. i can hardly look in the mirror most of the time. i dot see myself the way i should and ive read books and turned to religion and you just cant heal a fourteen year old scar. you cant make it disappear. i've given up on dreams. i've given up on myself. oh god, this gonna be a two day post.....i just really want to be happy. i dont feel like saying more. ive said enough

Zero 7-Distractions

today wasn't a good day. i dont know but i was hoping it would be but it wasn't. ever since i left school i felt like crying and now i just....my mind is going everywhere and i feel sooo bad.i feel like i'm going right back to where i was. just when i was getting out i fell back in.just things that have been going on, for a while and recently. i feel sooo bad. i feel sooo lost. i feel like im the only one who cares and ...oh god, i just need help. ive worked myself into something, convincing myself it was true and now i dont know. im sick of trying to work with people. peolple only think of themselves and they are just so disappointing. basically im sick f being the one people come around to thinking about after everythings said and dine. im sick of being invisible and im sick of people finding brand new ways to hurt me. im not jusdt speaking on one person im speaking on people i find it in my heart to call really really goood friends of mine. but ppl make mastakes and sometimes you have to be the one who gets slapped in the face b/c of it.

and thats all i have to say...

Trying not to cry

omg, this poem. expecially now. omg please check it out. i cant post it b/c its not mine and i dont have permission but i can promote it so please check it out.

http://www.poetryonline.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=505

oh and Ab's i hope you dont mind my promoting this to. i love this poemand it just happens to be by our very own Abigail (check out her blog in my links!). this poem...expecially right now... more than anything...check it out

http://www.poetryonline.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=476

Check out my poems also on this website under sst~confused soul.
http://www.poetryonline.org/phpBB2/

happy birthday abby

well, today im gonna clean my room (finally) and im gonna clean the kitchen so i can go to abby's house to visit and hag out with her on her b-day. i haven't talked to her in a while and i'm looking forward to hanging out. i was thinking about what i should give her for her b-day . well i kinda know what i wanted to get her so...but mymom was asking. she was leaning toward a gift and i was leaning toward a card with money. in the end i got my way and im sure abby will be happy to know thats what shes getting. damn i ruined the surprise. oh well. hopefully she wont check out my blog anytime soon.


anyway yesterday i went to my bro's t-ball game. it was cute. everybody got a chance to hit and run. everybody got a chance to be in the field. it was really cute. rah rah had fun and im hoping this might improve his behaivior in school b/c earlier that day he was in trouble and had to spend the day with the principle. yup my bro is b-a-d. but idk, im hoping he improves b4 its too late.


anyway, i dont have much to say. i've been thinking about the assignment we got for theatre. i htink its gonna be great. i already made up my mind on what topic i want to do it on. im thinking cults. i wrote something b4 about cults but it was just something i was thinking about at the time and decided to share. but now im gonna go deeper. im thinking reseach, history, info about religion. i can even probably ask my preacher about it. considering that im gonna be with abby this weekend so ill be abloe to go to church. i miss church and im hoping to set up something so i can go to church.cause i really like abby's church and her preacher is really nice. anyway thats what im doing my oral pres. on and now all i need to do is think of a thesis statement. i got websites and stuff. im planning on doing a full reseach on this. im putting my all into it b/c its somethign im really interested in. and thats what i do when im interested in something.


anyway i still have to do my upward bound essay and i still have to do some makeup work. so ill be busy this weekend. anyway, i better get to my cleaning. im talking to jesse who is extremly annoying. mabey ill find a reason to hang up on him. soon. im just joking. jesses a cool guy, even though hes such a dork.lol. extreme dork to be exact. he just told me to hang on for the thousandth time in the 13 min. ive been on the phone. anyway... i better get to cleaning.oh and....

Happy birthday Abby!!

and thats all i have to say...

the future

ohh...i'm feeling really good lately. idk, i've just been feeling happier lately and i have to say alot of it has to do with my friends and the play and everything. i've been thinking alot about what iwant to do in the future. i've been writing this essay for upward bound and it has had me thinking about my dreams and aspirations. lately i haven't been doing alot of my hobbies, things that i enjoy doing. i must say it might have to do with how sad i've been.

i started a new micheal, as some of you may know. its really not the same, no matter how much i try to make it feel the same, it just isn't. i've been beginning to think that maybe i've out grown it. i mean at the time it was a great way in realeasing my sadness, my crushes, my confusion, my dreams. it was the only thing i could open up to. the only thing i could explain myself to and tell about my true dreams, my true aspirations. i think thats why i miss it sooo much and why i've been searching for something that can be remotly the same.

i've gotten so used to writing short little entries, that now that im back to my long ones, it feels weird. i mean i read these long blog entries and god i cant stay awake. i start getting that feeling you get when you read a book that your not iterested in. a book thats long and boring and tidious. i start to get this knot in my throat and my mind starts to wonder and i skip things and so on and so on. lol.

ok just had to say that, anyway. like i was saying, ive been thinking about my dreams and aspirations. my dreams that i mark as being as close to reality as possible and those that i mark as something fun to think about. i know what id like to be. id like to be an architech or interior designer, or even both. i like fashion also. and with everything i see myself being able to pull off all of that. idk. and thats under my realistic dreams.lol. but idk, ever since i was young i loved singing and dancing. i think about when i was younger and how much i wanted to be a singer and dancer. then one day all of that disappeared. for a while,i didn't think about it. for a while i completly forgot about singing. i would dance in the living room and the privacy of my bedroom. never really dancing in front of ppl. i basically kept that part of myself to myself. and i think thats why its so surprising that i can dance. lol

but anyway, ive been thinking about what happened to make me give up on something that i was so attached to. i look back and i cant recognize that hunger that i had when i was younger. it makes me sad thinking about how much i wanted it and how much a promised myself never to let it go. and how just with one coment from someone whose opinion means a ton to me, that was all taking away. and im kinda disappointed in myself. so much i dont really talk about it. im still not sure if im gonna make this a valid entry and post it. or how long i will post it if i do decide to in fact post it. it hurts me sooo much. im just disappointed in my self. i try to live my life not letting others opinion run my life but i think everyone has that one person whose opinion means the world to them. in fact, its common sense that i would take what the person,who actually said whatever to me, had to say about me and my life so seriously. idk, and i try not to think about it b/c its one of those things that tears me apart everytime i think about it. i think it might even be the reason why i dont open myself up to ppl as much. in fact this is probably the most i'll ever open up to anybody.

i just think about it and that makes it all the more obvious that its still something i love. its still something i dream of doing. i think about my future and how much more it'll hurt when i'm, married and with children and i think back to it all. i mean if it hurts this much now, imgine when ive grown up and made a life for myself. i cant blame anyone but myself. usally you forget about your greatest dreams b/c someone walks into you life who makes everything else not matter. instead i let it go b/c of something so stupid as someones opinion. ppl really dont know how much they mean to you, and how important what they have to say is. i dont want to talk about who it was. or about anything else that has to do with it. i dont want to talk about it anymore.

i think im gonna start drawing more. i love to draw and i want to develop my talents. i want towrite more and i might also want to sing and dance more....God...i'm just gonna try to hold onto what i have as much as i can. im gonna also have to get my homework done.lol. expeccially if i want this ap class. i kinda feel like how i felt after writing in micheal. this relief, this feeling that everything was ok, for a while at least. though i dont feel that exactly now.lol. i need to find something to make feel that way, something i can open up to. my bottles half way empty but it still has protential.lol. im just sitting here listenignto my brother sing shut up by simple plan.aww my baby bro.lol

and thats all i have to say about that.....(lol)

finally i'm back

omg. i really dont realize how much i love my computer until it breaks down and i have to fix it. i really dont realize how much i love the internet for that matter till i cant be on it for like a month. ok ok it wasn't a month. anyway. today i hung out with jesse...sorry i was about to call you something else again. i cant ever get your name right even on my blog. even though your like the only guy i hang out with...anyway we just hung out and talked. he was supposed to show me his hair when its blue but instead he washed all the blue off. so after i helped make my moms lunch and iron her clothes since she was running late and i was home b/c of a tummy ache, i hung out with jesse.lol. anyway i wanted to go for some icecream but we ended up talking to anisa for a while and missed out on that chance. but i did end up getting ice cream after we picked up my bro. so i was happy but sad cause jesse had to go. jesse is such a great person. and like i said hes pretty much the only guy i talk to like that.

anyway, today i stayed home, cause like i said i had tummy problems. i felt bad b/c i had a jrotc compitition that was important. but school has been really fun. ivemade so many more friends expeccially with GREASE. yup i was in GREASE. it was a small part but like mr. laz said you have to work your way to the top. plus i didn't exactly go to all the auditions and based on my school attitude i agree with what coach laz. i am kinda shy in school when im not around kay or ester or teresa. if you go based on that you'd think id be like this nothing girl on stage. im happy though b/c i had the opurtunity to show mr and ms. laz otherwise and i had alot of fun. yesterday, we all did our last performance at this nursing home. and as you can guess the audience was not as fun as our previous ones but i had sooo much fun. just being able to perform (although we only performed singing numbers) with the cast was great. ive met soo many ppl and gotten closer with ppl/ tati is sooo cool and i dont think my GREASE experience would have been as enjoyable without being able to hang with her. anyway im definatly doing the next 3 plays. alot of kids there junior, seniors, etc were saying how they regretted not starting as a freshmen. one of my friends, eddie, said how he chose GREASE over sports and it proved to be a better choice. at first i was regretting not doing softball with kay but i must admit to me GREASE was a better choice. i think i hadmore fun with GREASE then i would have with softball. anyway ive made alot of friends and had sooooo much fun.

speaking of friends, thanks to kay and ester ive met marc (i rather call him marc cause he says his name is marcus and he speallls it like that but everyone else calls him marcos.rme oh well as long as i know my name and so doesn all my friends.lol.), jose (well i kinda already knew him), and robert. and robert actually lives arond the corner from me. i found this out b/c i was walking to get my bro and was struggling to open the door (which was locked lol) when i hear someone call out my name. it was robert (omg big surprise lol). so he walked with me to get my bro and then we ended up talking on my porch. we talked for a while about alot of stuff. i talked mostly about things thats happened to me, fun events, my friends. we talked about certain bad events in our life. its surprising how similar ppls lives can be even though you seem sooo different. we talked to jesse who called. and who ended up giving us advise on how to suck up oil.lol. my bro wasted al this oil on the ground and me and robert ended up pour sand on it to soak (or suck) it up.lol.anyway it ended up being an eventful afternoon. oh yea and guess who showed up. david hockiday (or however you spell his last name lol). now all during jrotc, hes calling me robert which is worst then being called terrell (my last name). and now he has everyone thinking im like this hispanic boy magnet and worst of all, that im two timing jesse and robert (long story) lol.

anyway, ive been happier, thanks to all my friends. though i really want to go to the mall or skating or bowling. so ppl we need to make some plans.lol. oh and abby i hope to see you this saturday.lol. well i guess....

.....thats all i have to say about that

(yup ive recently watched forest gump, the best movie ever!! well sort of)