Friends

im at school right now. its sooo boring and there is nothing to do but sleep now. im so annoyed. im in the computer room right now b/c i dont feel like eating that nasty ass school lunch. jodyann, teresa, and karina are here. and i sware its taking all of me not to cry or curse or domething. teresas being rude to me for no reason. im sick of having to deal with people who think its ok to just walk all over me. mostly people who are your "so called friends". in fact i think thats about the only people who start with me all the time. people i call my friends.

friends are the only one capable of hurting you and breaking you down. there the only group of people that you'd actually let get close enough to you. they are the main people who stab you in the back (or shoot you in the back in Mr.Vics case) its a sad thing when you can't trust the people close to you. and half of the time you can't. people grow, people change. so the notion of a life long friend can't be real. anyway.ttyl. CANT WAIT TILL SCHOOL ENDS IN AN HOUR AND FOURTY ONE MINUITES!

...and thats all i have to say

Soulmate

are my dreams the only ones that are capable of holding a single person captive? they are so powerful, it feeds off my constant need and search for happiness; my notion of a fairytale ending. it brings me comfort in my time of need when lonliness eats at my skin. when love is what i dream of; my solution to that lonliness. when i watch romances in hope of figuring a way to find that for myself. are miracles real? are soulmates actually there? is there that special person for me, who loves me for me and wants only my happiness? when/where/how will i meet him? when my mind travels and my soul clings tightly to s dream, who is there to rescue me before that dream becomes a nightmare; when my hope and faith eats me up till it becomes dark and dreary. who will be there to rescue me when my dreams bring tears and my hopes bring fears that that which i hope for may never come true. my skies are no longer blue. i breath deep, its late and time for me to go to sleep. just wanted to leave you with something that made me think. good night.

..and thats all i have to say

Keren Ann- Nolita

It's night
I think I'm gonna stay
I think I'm gonna bury you
Think I'm gonna bury you over myself
It's late
I think it's gonna rain
I think i'm gonna bury
I think i'm gonna bury you over myself
Somewhere I'd like
To be cold and safe
If you're here to cry
Over someone else
Through the upper tide
I would be insane
By myself
It's late
I think it's gonna rain
I think i'm gonna bury
I think i'm gonna bury you over myself
Somewhere I'd like
To be cold and safe
If you're here to cry
Over someone else
Through the upper tide
I would be insane
To be cold and safe
If you're here to cry
Over someone else
Through the upper tide
I would be insane

Mr. Vic

today my mom found out that her ex boyfriend got killed. he was shot in the head and found dead in his apartment. idk, this is like the second time someone close to the family has died. when i was 7 my great grandma died but i was too young to understand. but , like he and my mom were together longer than i can even rember her being with anyother man. when he went to jail for something (i dont know what it was) she waited and waited for him for about two years. i honestly secretly wished that she and him would get back together more than i have ever wished for her and my dad to. and its just sad. and i dont know. i think im more sad that hes dead then if like my dad were to die. he was soo nice and soo sweet. and though my mom and him had their ups and downs i always wished for him to be the one she grows old with. if i had to choose anyone it would have been him. i think mostly because he was like the only like "father-figure" i've ever had. for like most of my life my mom went out with him. since i was like five my mom and him have been off and on. its just sooooo sad.

when my mom first told me, i was in shock and like i could tell she was too. but then she looked up the article in the star ledger and it all kinda set in for us. he was such a great man. and i remember when i was little, he was sooo nice to me. but he was always sooo "young". and i remember when i was seven having to agree with my mom, when she asked if she should continue with their relationship, that she should just let him go. and then after all the drama when my brothers father died down, being kinda happy that they were back together. and all those times i tried my best to help my mom get through the years he was in jail, waiting for him to get out. hoping that we could be a "family" or whatever. i cant see my mom with anyone else. and its just sad that now hes gone.

its just sad thinking of how it probably happened. i just really want to see himone last time. so ill have to beg my mom to take me. oh and heres the article. i hate how they make him sound like a criminal or whatever. i hate that they keep say "ex con". and i hate the title.

Two ex-inmates among 3 men slain on bloody day in Newark
Friday, June 17, 2005
BY JONATHAN SCHUPPE
Star-Ledger Staff

Authorities identified the three Newark men shot to death Wednesday in what's turning out to be a bloody week in the city.

Victor Coleman, 33, Latrell Tucker, 29, and James McMillon, 19, were killed in unrelated attacks over six hours, police said.

With their deaths, the number of homicides since Sunday rose to seven. Authorities said yesterday that they had not yet made any arrests in the killings.

Coleman, an ex-con who had served time in prison on drug and weapons charges, was found dead at 1:15 p.m. in his fourth-floor Sandford Avenue apartment with a gunshot to his head, authorities said.

Tucker, another ex-con who served three years for manslaughter in the 1990s, was shot dead while walking on South 10th Street at 4:15 p.m. The Dayton Street resident suffered multiple gunshot wounds to the torso.

People who live on the block said they heard three gunshots and saw the man lying in the street. One of them called police. They later watched as investigators inspected Tucker's cell phone.

Three hours later, McMillon, 19, of Wainwright Street, was shot in the head near an abandoned lot on Central Avenue, authorities said.

Authorities appealed to the public for help in locating suspects and determining a motive. They urged anyone with information about the shootings of Coleman or McMillon to call Essex County Prosecutor's Office investigator Michael Recktenwald at (973) 621-4586 or Newark homicide detective Vincent Vitiello at (973) 733-5400. Anyone with information about Tucker's death is asked to call county investigator David Rubin at (973) 621-4586 or Newark detective Murad Muhammad at (973) 733-5400.

Newark police also maintain a hotline so residents can report tips anonymously. That number is (973) 424-4122.

...and thats all i have to say

Keren Ann-Le Sable Mouvant

Même si on y tient vraiment
Même dans les flammes du firmament
Seuls dans le soleil couchant
On ne s'y fait jamais pour autant
On ne dit rien quand le temps assassin
Enterre nos amours périssables sous le sable mouvant
Je n'y ai vu que du feu, du vent
Telle qu'en moi-même et telle qu'avant
J'ai raté ma vie en deux temps
Trop occupée à faire d'autres plans
On ne dit rien quand le temps assassin
Enterre nos amours périssables sous le sable mouvant
Même si on y tient vraiment
Restons de glace restons élégants
Seuls dans le soleil couchant
On ne s'y fait jamais pour autant
On ne dit rien quand le temps assassin
Enterre nos amours périssable sous le sable
On ne dit rien quand le temps assassin
Enterre nos amours périssables sous le sable mouvant

TGIF

well.. i just got back from my brothers little league game. nope, it wasn't that fun. i was hoping that my friends could come so i wouldn't be all alone (which ended up happening) but its ok. though it kinda disappointing because i was counting on them being there and i had my hopes all high. i just hate when i get my hopes high for something and then things dont fall through and i end up flat on my face. i dont know what i was thinking. i just hate feeling like i cant depend on ppl and i really wanted to hang with my friends. what made it worse was my brother was acting busy (as usual) falling on the floor, screaming, being stubborn, just getting on my nerves. i guess im just annoyed, disappointed, and irritated. i walked home and i oculdn't even enjoy the walk b/c of how disappointed i was, plus all those nasty ass hispanic men who look about 30 saying "hey baby girl" to me. mabey this weekend will be better. so much for TGIF.

...and thats all i have to say

Library Again

hey, back at the library again with ester and now karina. karina has a big head.lol. and im not dumb only she is.lol.anyway we got passes to the library and now we are just hamnging out. karinas next to me typing like a retard.lol.jk. no but she does type kinda slow.lol. jk karina. anyway and so....yea she does type like a retard. im not typing and laughing at the same time. she is. well actually i am. im mad that she hit jay jay in the head then blamed it on my. those traitor all of them backstabbed me. speaking of traitors and back stabbing. i reread my monologue today in class. i was soo good. omg i was sooooo happy. when i got up there i was kinda nervous and i was trying to conjure up enough feeing to say my first line....(just had to say this) karina is a copycat and she better give me some bagels from her block. karina is such a great friend. i dont know what i'd do without her. (she made me say that for some bagels. see how evil she is) :) dag the bell rung. ill talk about my monologue and if karina gave me bagels later. ttyl. boomshakalaklaka

OH And P.S (this is the last post today...i sware)

I TOOK MY PHYSICAL TODAY. I SHOULD BE PLAYING SOCCER NOW. I'M SOOOOO FREAKIN EXCITED. WOOOOO YEA. BOOOMSHAKALAKALAKA

...ok now thats all i have to say

Goodnight everybody :* ;)

Sugar!

today was pretty fun. school was cool but after school was sooo much better. i finally got my hair done. i was sooo happy. i got my perm so im looking half way decent now. i want to get my hair braided though, at least for the summer. anisa went with me and waited like a great friend. **thanks anisa ;)** then we went back to my house and convinced my mom in taking us to the fair/ carnival or whatever. we ate there. i ate soo much. i had pretty much a whole cheesestake, half a cheeseburger,cheese fries (and alittle of the regular fries), a lemonade, a milk shake, and a zopolli (i think i spelled that wrong but God was it good). so not only was i full but i was also kinda hiper from the sugar running through my veins. sugars not the greatest thing for me cause im like those ppl who get like sugar highs then lows. by the time we got to karinas house i was soo hyper. i was sooo crazy. i dont think i would have been soo crazy though if i didn't have ppl egging me on (you egger oners!!). anyway, WE GOT TO PLAY TAG AND RED ROVER. (omg thats how i know its supposed to be colors Red Rover) but anyway it was soooo fun. i used to love those games. alot of my friends aren't really from the USofA and so some of these games are kinda forein to them. either that or they sucked at gym. anyway it was sooo much fun. i was sooo happy. i love things that remind me of my childhood, my happier days. life has changed sooo much and anything that reminds me of that time brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. i miss those times soo much. anyway, like i said i was really hyper and really crazy but i kinda didn't care. sometimes i hate when i get like that cause i feel like im scaring ppl or ppl with start to judge me or something but i was around my "friends" and anyone there who was judging me aren't really my friends. are they now? and if you were judging me then i guess i shouldn't be really bothered with you.should i now? there are plenty of ppl i accociate with but wouldn't choose to hang out with. this is why i find myself to be way more anti-social now then i ever was b4. but it is also one of the reasons i find that i dont show my true self. which is something im trying to work on. its just that when im all...i dont know... wild?...like that, then i get home and i find myself regretting and worrying "what does this person think of me now?" "why did i have to do that?". i dont know if its because i really dont care that much about what the ppl there thought or if i'm getting better (i think its more the first one) (no im serious) anyway, i was able to have a good time. fun. exciting.wild. crazy. i wish you all were there to enjoy it with me. too bad. no im just kidding. i love you all. and im happy that you care enough to read through all i had to say. booomshakalakalaka. see ya later. love you guys like friends :*

...and thats all i have to say

Library

well...its 10:51 in the morning and im at school. esters right here. say hi ester....hi...that was ester. anyway we got a pass from out french teacher to the library since we weren't doing much of anythingin the class. now we are at the library still not doing nothing but it still kinda feels good.lol. anyway, this morning i gave in my athletic application so i can play soccer. i have to find some shorts and a short for the physical today. i cant wait to play soccer. i haven't played in so long. well the bell just rung but i just wanted to say. CANT WAIT TILL SOCCER!!

...thats all i got to say.byez now. boomshakalakalaka

Results...

wow... its funny how things can be soo like..right. this is exactly what i am..


You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy
at times but friendly, and you are never weak
and always independent. You are incredibly
intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a
talent for many things (sports, music, art).
You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy
the simple things. Like hanging out with
friends and watching movies at home. But you're
sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an
outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how
pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just
can't seem to break into the crowd and be
noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing
and speak out when you have more to say. Don't
hide behind your books and sports and computer,
get out there and get noticed. You also have
deep desires in life and feel vunerable and
alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What
helps me to express feelings and dreams that I
can't say to people, is through my writting.
Maybe you should try.


What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by Quizilla


Your wise quote is: "Be kind to unkind people,
they probably need it the most" by
Ashleigh Brilliant.
You try to look beyond apperance, try to give
people second chances and are probably very
kind. Understanding is your biggest personality
trait, and thoose you can see through should be
grateful. If they aren't already. You detest
narrow minded people, because they can't see
what's really there. Facades is not your thing
and you strive to always be who you really are.


What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by Quizilla

Inspired by confused13.

my blade
so sharp
cuts through anything
it tastes my blood
consumes its inocecence
i breath its pain
my blood, it bleeds
cold mercury
drilled into my vains
last december
my tears
they scar
my broken heart
with disappointment and regret
its torn apart
your song it plays
its dreaded beat
broken record inside
this tainted me
my blade

Can't Wait Till Summer

its a beautiful hot day, and im stuck in the house. anisa is at armandos house. karina stopped answering the phone. i need more female friends cause i refuse to go hang out only with a bounch of guys. im not that kinda girl. this is what my freakin summer is going to be like. its going to be hot and beautiful and im going to stuck inside (being driven crazy by my brother). yup i can't wait till summer comes.

Bulimia

ok ok, i know it sucks. just wanted to put it up. just felt like writing it. it needs alot of work but oh well. this may just be a two or three day post if i dont forget to take it off.soo...


"It’s gone way too far," she thinks as she forces food down her throat. She drinks water hoping to rinse it down, for her throat has seemed to stop working. Her eyes water as she thinks of how far she's come; how horrible she’s let this problem get. From one day hating her image in the mirror, to then throwing it all up and flushing it all away. She prays to God that she can ignore her bodies burning need to throw it all up.

She opens her mouth up and feels the food rest on her tongue, the flavor seeping into her taste buds. She begins to chew, chewing and chewing as she silently convinces herself that its all right to swallow; silently convincing herself to swallow. She chews till it all is just small particles of food. With help from her tongue, she pushes the food down her throat and feels as her throat pushes the food down. She sits as her body begins to yearn to just throw it all up. She forces those thoughts out of her head, as she takes a sip of water.

She forces her last piece of food down her throat. She sits on her hands and crosses her feet under her legs; her battle has just begun. She sits and she thinks on how better it will all make her feel, as she can feel her bodies need grow and grow. She pushes it out of her mind with thoughts of being healthy and hopefully beautiful. She begins to rock, trying to comfort herself from her inner demons. Her body’s need is growing stronger. Her hands begin to try to break free. She whispers under her breath "God please" over and over again. As her lips tremble, and her hands try to break free, she tries resist. Tears start to fall from her eyes. Her feet tries pry itself free. She closes her eyes and she cries, still praying to God to give her strength.

It’s been almost a half an hour now and her body is beginning to calm down. She takes a deep breath. She gets off her hands and wipes her tears away. She looks up into the mirror and wants to cry more. The image of a broken girl, shattered and confused inside, is what stares back at her. A girl who must force herself to eat, for that’s the only way. She closes her eyes and pictures something different. Something beautiful. She sighs and silently wishes that one day she might become that "something beautiful" as she laid her aching body down. She closes her eyes and lets her fantasies take her away.

Non Credo nei Miracoli- Laura Bono

i just heard this song. its so beautiful. its about her not believing in miracles but then he like comes into her life. and well its just a strong feeling. and its a beautiful song. ok well...its beautiful.(lol) its not in english (as you can see.lol). *sorry guys* hope i did the song justice.

Non Credo nei Miracoli
Laura Bono

Io non credo nei miracoli
Tù sei stato per me l'eccezione
Anche solo per un attimo
Ma sai che ci ho creduto in noi
Ma io vivo nel ricordo che
Sgomitando si fa spazio in me
Di un amore che purtroppo non sei te
Dolce stella non tremare
Ci ho provato e riprovato ma non posso più
Farti male, farmi male
Tutto questo dimmi che senso ha
Spacchiamo il mondo io e te
Ho il cuore pieno di noi
Ma perché non riesco ad innamorarmi di te, perché
Tu mi stringi e ho un nodo in gola
Mi fa quasi male a respirare
Mentre mi difendo sento che
Vorrei proteggerti da me
Ti ho lasciato, ti ho ripreso
Troppe volte, ho perso il conto ma tu sempre lì
Farti male mi fa male
Tutto questo dimmi che senso ha
Ti muovi dentro di me
Intenso odore di noi
Coi tuoi sguardi che accarezzano l'animale in me
Speciale il mondo con te
Che bello il buio con te
Ma perché non riesco a viverti come io vorrei
La la la la
La la la la
Ma perché non riesco a viverti come io vorrei
Io non credo nei miracoli
..se potessi tu sorprendermi...

100 Girls- Greatest Curse of All

(Dora is on the roof of the dorm, standing on the edge and looking off into space.)

Matt: Dont do it!
Dora: You know, the first time I did this, nobody noticed. Now nobody cares.
Matt: I care. Why are you doing this?
Dora: Because I was born with the greatest curse of all.
Matt: What's that?
Dora: I'm ugly. And I'm also very smart.
Matt: You're not ugly.
Dora: I know what's in store for me. No one will ever have passion for me. People all around me will be falling in love, and making love, and getting married, and having kids. The closest thing I'll ever have to that is someone inviting me to their Christmas dinner because they feel guilty I might be spending the holiday alone. Or if I'm lucky, my male counterpart, an obese man or guy with a harelip, will invite me to coffee. And we'll pretend to love each other, and tie the knot because we're so desperately afraid of growing old alone.

I had a bad feeling this girl might jump this time. I felt terrible that I had treated her like she had the Ebola virus. There was something inside this girl I wanted to expose myself to. She was so self-aware, so sensitive. Maybe she noticed the change in me.

Matt: Come on lets go back inside.
Dora: Only if you admit the I'm right.
Matt: ...You're probably right.
Dora: (smiles) You didn't have to worry. I just like to come up here to see what it might be like.

100 Girls-Even If Your Name is Mimi and You Want Me to Pronounce It "May May"

(During this scence, Matt is standing outside the dorm building about to confess his love to the mystery girl. He has yet to find out who the mystery girl is, and he is hoping his confession will help him find out)

Matthew: Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cleaning together. I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week. I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you. Even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May May". I will only pass gas underneath the covers and under the direst of circumstances. Hell, I'll go on a low cholesterol diet. And I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I hit my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week, even if your mom is a witch with a capital B. And your folks don't have to go to a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare, I'll separate the whites from the colors and learn the mysteries of hot and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on my makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog can save your life from drowning, but a cat can't. I will happily go see chick flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice." I'll make a point to trying new food like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle." I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me! And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those bikini style underwear if you like. My belly button will always be lint free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever had. I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die.

Joel 2

Joel 2
The Day of the LORD

Judgment on Judah and Israel
1 Blow the trumpet in Zion,
And sound an alarm in My holy mountain!
Let all the inhabitants of the land tremble;
For the day of the LORD is coming,
For it is at hand:
2A day of darkness and gloominess,
A day of clouds and thick darkness,
Like the morning clouds spread over the mountains.
A people come, great and strong,
The like of whom has never been;
Nor will there ever be any such after them,
Even for many successive generations.
3A fire devours before them,
And behind them a flame burns;
The land is like the Garden of Eden before them,
And behind them a desolate wilderness;
Surely nothing shall escape them.
4Their appearance is like the appearance of horses;
And like swift steeds, so they run.
5With a noise like chariots
Over mountaintops they leap,
Like the noise of a flaming fire that devours the stubble,
Like a strong people set in battle array.
6Before them the people writhe in pain;
All faces are drained of color.[a]
7They run like mighty men,
They climb the wall like men of war;
Every one marches in formation,
And they do not break ranks.
8They do not push one another;
Every one marches in his own column.[b]
Though they lunge between the weapons,
They are not cut down.[c]
9They run to and fro in the city,
They run on the wall;
They climb into the houses,
They enter at the windows like a thief.
10The earth quakes before them,
The heavens tremble;
The sun and moon grow dark,
And the stars diminish their brightness.
11The LORD gives voice before His army,
For His camp is very great;
For strong is the One who executes His word.
For the day of the LORD is great and very terrible;
Who can endure it?

A Call to Repentance
12"Now, therefore," says the LORD,
"Turn to Me with all your heart,
With fasting, with weeping, and with mourning."
13So rend your heart, and not your garments;
Return to the LORD your God,
For He is gracious and merciful,
Slow to anger, and of great kindness;
And He relents from doing harm.
14Who knows if He will turn and relent,
And leave a blessing behind Him--
A grain offering and a drink offering
For the LORD your God?
15Blow the trumpet in Zion,
Consecrate a fast,
Call a sacred assembly;
16Gather the people,
Sanctify the congregation,
Assemble the elders,
Gather the children and nursing babes;
Let the bridegroom go out from his chamber,
And the bride from her dressing room.
17Let the priests, who minister to the LORD,
Weep between the porch and the altar;
Let them say, "Spare Your people, O LORD,
And do not give Your heritage to reproach,
That the nations should rule over them.
Why should they say among the peoples,
"Where is their God?"'

The Land Refreshed
(A) 18Then the LORD will be zealous for His land,
And pity His people.
19The LORD will answer and say to His people,
"Behold, I will send you grain and new wine and oil,
And you will be satisfied by them;
I will no longer make you a reproach among the nations.
20"But I will remove far from you the northern army,
And will drive him away into a barren and desolate land,
With his face toward the eastern sea
And his back toward the western sea;
His stench will come up,
And his foul odor will rise,
Because he has done monstrous things."
21Fear not, O land;
Be glad and rejoice,
For the LORD has done marvelous things!
22Do not be afraid, you beasts of the field;
For the open pastures are springing up,
And the tree bears its fruit;
The fig tree and the vine yield their strength.
23Be glad then, you children of Zion,
And rejoice in the LORD your God;
For He has given you the former rain faithfully,[d]
And He will cause the rain to come down for you--
The former rain,
And the latter rain in the first month.
24The threshing floors shall be full of wheat,
And the vats shall overflow with new wine and oil.
25"So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,[e]
My great army which I sent among you.
26You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the LORD your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
And My people shall never be put to shame.
27Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:
I am the LORD your God
And there is no other.
My people shall never be put to shame.

God's Spirit Poured Out
28"And it shall come to pass afterward
That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
Your old men shall dream dreams,
Your young men shall see visions.
29And also on My menservants and on My maidservants
I will pour out My Spirit in those days.
30"And I will show wonders in the heavens and in the earth:
Blood and fire and pillars of smoke.
31The sun shall be turned into darkness,
And the moon into blood,
Before the coming of the great and awesome day of the LORD.
32And it shall come to pass
That whoever calls on the name of the LORD
Shall be saved.
For in Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there shall be deliverance,
As the LORD has said,
Among the remnant whom the LORD calls.

FreeSpirit? (warning this might be a very long post)

*sighs* theses days i've been thinking more and more about life. what i want out of it all. how much i want to better myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally (lol)(sorry about that), intellectually, physically, etc (and all the other "ally"'s)(lol). um, i was reading my free tarot reading offered to my by astrology.com. it basically talked about me not being able to count on my friends, peers, or youthful ideas of privacy and resolution when it comes to conflict, secrets , or feelings that involve my life. it also talked about something that happened which kinda caused my to write "lonely" and get myself all worked up and crying and cutting, etc. basically about not fitting into groups, even ones that i would think i would fit into b/c of certain reasons. it said something else that was sooo close to what was happening with me "being cut off or missing out on some secret, spontaneous, or underground sense of unity, cheer, communion, and support could be making you [me] feel disconnected and unsuppoted; like im too old or serious; having too many responcibilities; can't handle it; are undeserving somehow, or that you can't trust those whom you might consider close to you [me],etc". ok.

theres was this other one that really hit close (i only could see two since it was free)(lol). this one just basically said how i was re-examining my life (which i am) or refocusing my perspective (that too). it said that even though i am confortable with what i have, i am feeling like its time to let go of some conforts for something something greater and more fulfilling.(which i am definatly feeling lately). i have been feeling kind of restless, defeated, distracted, and i have been having that strong desire to search my soul for a deeper truth and meaning to my life. things that used to bring me joy, have seemed kind of old and unsatifactory now. i am extremely eager to move on to another phase of my life, another phase of fulfillment.

i've been thinking of this summer. summers are always like new years for me. that time of year when change is possible. and you wish so much for that change and vow to change but never do. its kind of disappointing in a way. but thats like us humans to constantly set ourselves up for disappointment (which im working on not doing). my plans for this summer is probably Upward Bound (acedemic program) (mabey it can help my spelling) (lol and grammer), um mabey, hopefully a summer job, and to just hang out with my friends. this spring break was like so great (considering last spring break i had a close encounter with a nervous breakdown), i just want this summer to be just as enjoyable. im young, im free, im happy (for the most part). i want to work on that happiness, that freeness (if thats a word), i want to work on truly fulfilling my life.

i've never noticed but sometimes i can come off as a freespirit. someone quite close t me told me so. i kinda read it on the horoscopes i like to read and just asked to find out if it was true. i dont know, i guess in a way i am kinda a freespirit. at least i try to be, when im not being so self-concious.

i guess i am kind of vain, but not really in a conceided way more in a hurtful [to me] way. i dont do alot of things b/c of feelings i have toward myself. i mean i dont have any pictures of me from probably 3rd grade to 8th grade. thats about the time i became extremly self-concious, and my self-esteem lowered to a dangerous low (which its ind of hovering about now). its kinda obvious in the way i carry myself also. to those who actually take the time to notice. i feel so, i dont know : bare, vulnerable, naked,etc. now that i dont have my bag with me. i hardly wear anything that shows off my legs. i hardly ever show off my arms, even if i have a cute top on. i dont know, i want to change that. thats probably the number one thing i want to change. but b4 i can i must learn to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, causeing me to feel this self-concious and sometimes lonely. i realize if i want to be my freespirit self, lol, i must let go of that stuff.

i love life and all it has to offer me. there are times when i just love going outside to like take out the garbage in my pj's and slippers or socks; no barefoot, i'm kinda scared of that, the farthest i can go just barefoot is my porch. lol. but i like those times when i can just eat up all the world has to offer me, all its beauty. the one thing i would love to accomplish this summer, is being able to be myself, no hesitation, nothing. though sometimes i scare myself and others, and thats why i hold back. and now it like im programmed to hold back that when its time to let go... i cant.

the one thing i never wanted was to let others opinions become my reality. and i have, it is my reality. its my past my present my future. but i want to change that. theres so much i have to work on and i just ask God to help me out. to lead me and walk side by side with me, holding my hand. helping me to be who i am. to be what He made me. Shanae :)

i think this summer, for my birthday, i want to go to the spa. i was thinking about how many of my friends may have ever been there and i think it would be kind of fun. forget the mall we can go anytime. but i think it would be the greatest way to start off my life as a 15 y/o. by being cleased and renewed with my closest friends.lol. then we can go to dinner.lol.

well, its kind of early and i have to take my shower and figure what im gonna be doing today.soo....

...thats all i have to say (love ya :-* )