anyway today was a normal day. well mostly. ok yea it was normal. talked to jelly. talked to bananas. talked to mommy. talked to rah rah. pretty much everybody i care about. sike i love all you other guys too. anyway i noticed something. everyday for me has like this kind of theme. yesterday was like friendship. i hung with friends. supported friends. built friendships. rebuilt friendshsips. it was one of my happiest days this week. the day before was interior design. i was working on house blue prints and decorating ideas for my room. and the day b4, wait i think it was that day , anyway, was fashion. i was looking at fall collections. and design sketches. i sketched a few designs myself. i wanna continue working on that b/c i love fashion almost as much as music and interior design. i mean it might be something i want to pursue. along with interior design. i have also come to love real estate. i think it may be a cool perfession. mostly cause i just love homes. and finding the perfect home. and designing the perfect home. i like providing people with a place that they feel is their own. a place where they can relax. a place where they can love and be loved. a place...well a place like HOME. anyway back to my days. days before that i was working on my novel. ive kind of put it on old AGAIN. but now, to work on my other talents. im still not sure exactly what course i wish for my life to take...DAMN TELEVISION PROGRAMMING STATIONS. FUSE HAS GONE BLANK. WHERES MY DIVE? WHERES MY DIVE?....ok wow anyway at some point i thought i had had it all figured out. i thought i wanted to be and interior architect. since i kind of want to be an architect. and i want to be and interior designer. but then i realized that it wasn't the two professions combined. it was something different, alike, but different. so im back at interior design. i dont know. i just have these constant dreams/fantasies of something better. dreams/ fantasies ill never let ANYBODY know about. but still. in fact in RUB we had this like quiz/survey/something that my career class teacher gave us. it was a bunch of questions like if i had a million dollars i would ______, the one thing i admire the most about myself_____, if i was......OMG ITS BACK. AND MY FAVORITE DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE SONG IS ON. I KINDA LIKE THIS VIDEO.... if i was trapped in a burning building what would i take_____(i answered Tomas the III) and then they said i secretly wish to become _____ i answered it. but it brought tears to my eyes b/c its something i deal with constantly. what i truly want to be but dont have the guts to fulfill. b/c its almost as if im failing myself. which i guess i am.i couldn't even read that one question aloud to the class. i skipped over it. i said everything but that. why? b/c it hurt to much to admit it to people. though i guess i admitted it once. to you. on my blog. you guys pobably read it and didn't pay it attention. not understanding the signifigance of it. but to tell you the truth everything i put on here has a signifigance. um read my blog like understandingofme.blogspot.com um remember my other blog like betterunderstandingofme.blogspot.com. its al the same thing sweethearts. everything i say is for the sole purpose. anyway, you probably read it and didn't really care. but now that i think about it. i dont know why i put it up here. why i considered it sooo important. mabey because its one of my darkest secrets. and i dont reveal alot about myself. i tell you guys alot about me. but i dont tell you the important stuff sometimes. and when i do i mostly only do it when i know your not paying attention and when i know i can feel the satisfaction of leeting it off my chest without having to deal with the fact of people knowing. ive told more to you people about myself on this blog than to people ive met throughout the course of my whole life. msotly b/c like i said to feel that satisfaction of believing that ive changed.
ive never disgussed my father in detai to anyone. i i dont think i will ever again, expeccially face to face. and i think thats also the reason why i made the entry sooo long. b/c i know people get turned away from "large"reading. i think thats why i also posted it around the time when i wasn't really close with most of my friends. b/c there was a chance that they weren't reading my blog and they would totally miss it anyway. or they would, at that point in time, not care. i dont think ill ever talk about Mr. Vic. again. ive never really talked about my mom or things that have happened to her that i care to not think about. i never talked about why i hate my brothers father so much, except to aneysa allan. it was one day and we were comming from a trip and we just started talking about it. idk know how nor why. mabey because that was probably our only conection and i knew i could get it off my chest and not care later. i never talked about the period of time before i moved to new brunswick. or why i went from living in places like sayreville, south brunswick, even plainsboro (suburban towns) to places like new brunswick and irvington. italked about my past encounterings with other people and why it has made me the shattered person that im trying to glue back together today. but again it was at a time when people weren't paying that much attention. or they were and they just didn't care to help. either way i constantly reached out to people and didn't get feedback. i was thinking about that the other day. how i've just came out of one of my hardest periods since like 5th grade when i nearly reached a serious depression and the signs were there. all i had to do was put "depressed shattered human being" on my forehead and i'd be complete. and i was like screaming for someone to help me and no one was there........oh well. you get through things. you become stronger. you realize important lessons about others and you. the only people you can truly trust is yourself, God, and your family. and sometimes not even them. in fact sometimes not even yourself. either way God gets you through. like that poem that i LOVE. about the man and the beach and the footprints. some people think its lame but its the greatest thing ive ever read in a bathroom ever. ill post it later for those who dont understand what im talking about. but i got to rap it up. cause its getting kind of late and Dive is almost over. oh i love the futureheads.
anyway theres so many things. but i guess some day ill find it in me to be honest with my self. and open up to others.....ok i really need to rap this up so i can turn off the lights. i sware why did GOD make insects. i should have been there to tell him light and humans were enough....there i got him. i knew i wasn't paranoid. anyway omg i got soo off subject. omg omg omg BRIGHTEYES-FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE...I LOVE THIS SONG...anyway i haven't even talked about my day. ok. well today ive just been on the internet. (see i always get back to what i talk about. remember:guess its from being on the internet all day....anyway ill get back to that) (you must admit i talk alot but i always finsih hat i say) anyway so i was just searching different stores and clothing websites trying to put my back-to-school wardrobe together. i know my inspiration: casual vintage chic. i know im probably kidding my self but i'm happy. so i spent the day searching for vingtage 80's tees. and cargo pants. and messanger bags. im not sure about my budget but i know ive gone beyond it already in my mind. i got ot budget down.thats tommorrows theme.that or back to school supplies. or both. ok i officillay have to finish. im being driven crazy in my own room. and thats why i want to become an interior designer. .possiby. anyway....
...thats all i have to say
