A Crush

"i remember being on the bus and his fingers finding its way between the seat and window to me. i grabbed onto them like it was something...natural. and when my hand would find itself intwined in his. natural. and in the dark, during practice when he kissed me. natural. and on the bus, comming home , him being right next to me. the feeling i had. natural. and the way he would look at me as if he knew it was. that i was. foolishly feeling like i was special. but somehow even that felt natural."

and i felt like it was natural. for the first time. and i miss that natural feeling. i miss being filled with it. and just being close to him felt. natural. despite the setting. i hate myself for wanting something i couldn't have. and for dreaming and pretending like i could obtain it, knowing along i couldn't. hurting myself once again for no reason. i pray that it won't happen again. that i won't allow myself to get hurt a fifth time by my feelings and vulnerability.

i hate myself for thinking about it even now.

A Crush

i knew. when i was sitting on karinas porce, babbling about some nonsence about me being upset about the other cast mates, and she hinted to me if it was really about him. i knew deep inside it was. but i couldn't put my finger on why. but i know it was because i knew it was probably my last chance. that afterwards it would be like this. it would be like de andre. though i didn't have a "mouthful of his name". i had something else. with signifigance the same.