omg i didn't know how much i love this song. im sitting here in the computer lab crying.lol. i look crazy but i love this song and theres no doubt that many of you do too. soo here it is.

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

RUB

im kinda upset b/c todays the fashion show and im in it and i kinda wanted my friends to come but i haven't had a chance to call and ask. i doubt karina could come anyway but it would have been kinda cool to have anisa here. i just called my mom yesterday at like 11 something to ask if she wanted to come. im mad at myself for doing everything last minuite. i just been kinda tiredcause ive been ....nvm lol but ive been going to sleep late.between the essays i got to write and my chemistry that im doing good in but not getting my homework in on time, i just been busy. next week is the last week of the program and im gonna miss t so much. i think im comming back next year. it would be cool if karina could come too but i really doubt it. cause i dont think her parents would let her live on ampus. and its no point in me wanting her t come if shes gonna e a commuter cause we dont see any commuters.so it will be like shes not there anyway. maybe her parents will let her stay on campus but i think that will take a miracle. i cant wait though to come back. though. compared to the other years its not all that but still its still kinda fun. lol the seniors went on strike today. they came in all late, like 15 of them.lol it was so funny cause no one paid them any attention. they are kinda sick of the way they have been treated. last year the seniors got privilages. they got a whole floor to themselves and ot to stay up to like whenever. and they got to have different things just for them but this year its fucked up. i hope it changes by the time i become a senior (if Upward Bound is still here by then).

Dad

i dont really know what i am going to do after my brithday and RUB is over. im kinda trying to avoid thinking about it. i've been thinking alot about myself and where i come from. it makes me sooo sad to know that i realy dont know myself. im like iterally lost and ve been lost for sooo long....i miss my dad (wow where did that come from) i guess i have always missed him but i never let mysef admit it. i always though that its normal, alot of ppl live without their dads. but lately it just been hurting. i guess it always has hurt. i dont know how i feel about him. i mean i havent seen or heard from hi in sooo long. i never realize how much its hurted all these years or how much its effected me. i remeber when i was little i loved my dad sooo much. i loved everything that i could find out about him. i loved anything about my that reflected him in anyway. but now i dont know.. i remember when i was three. my mom used to babysit and she always used to tell me how much i looked like my dad. b/c most ppl always commited on how much me and her look alike and how much we sound alike and everything. i remember her telling me one day how i didn't have a butt like hers. how i had one like my dad. i was soo happy and excited (why i dont really know) i just ran out to the back yard where all the kids were and i just yelled "i got my daddy's butt i got my daddy's butt" over and over again.lol...i remeber my mom used to take me to visit him at his store. and i would spend the day with him. and i would hang out with him at his store and he would take pictures of me. (actually i dont know if he did or if i just remember him doing it) but anyway i rember him have a black car i think. and when we were done he would driveme to nana christy's house where my mom would be.i never understood how important those visits were until now. i guess if i had i would have tried my best to remember everything about him. how he smells, how he sounded, how he looked....a few years ago my mom asked me why i kept everything. i thought about it and i guess its b/c we were always moving and so i wanted to remember everything about my times at where we were living. i haven't forgotten my friends but i dont speak tothem at all since i left. and i guess thats why i was soo worried about moving to irvington. i was sure i would forget karina and anisa and ester and all my friends here.not that i would forget them but that i would never hear from them again. karina alsways used to try to assure me that that wouldn't happen but i knew it would and i still know that when time comes for us to move our seprate ways im going to lose contact with them like i have with most of my friends. pearl is my best friend. she was as close tome as karina is . probably closer. and thats what scares me. i hardly even talk to her now. i think i haven't talked to her since like last year. so im trying ot keep as many memories as i could. but really i dont thik thast the whole reason.i think its more cause i dont remeber my dad. i dont remeber how he smeled or how he sounded or how he even looks. and it hurts me soo much. hes such a big part of me and i cant even remeber how he looks.....ive always loved him soo much nd rewarded him for things he probably didn't even do. i remember when i was like 8 or 7. yea i thin i was 7. i got two doll houses one from my mom and one from my dad. i remember oe was ok. it was funto play with but compared to the other one it was like ok. my other one was sooo cool. it was like this lego thing. it took my moths to put it together. the house came like hollow. you had the put the legos in. and design the house and weverything (that may be why i like interior designing now) i had it set up in the living room and i would go sit on the couch (the same one we have now. i think ive had that counch since i was like 6. it was newer then of couse. in fact it hadn't satrted looking the way it does till like recently. b/c it looked really knew till like we moved it to irvington and the movers messed it up. b/c my mom takes good care of her stuff. she always told me that you should only have to buy something once. if you take good care of it then you wont have to keep buying it over and over again. i mean only recently have i been allowed to even sit on it. cause when i was groeing up there was no need to be sitting on the couch messing up the lether with my jean when i had my own room that i could play in. and ive always had me own room soo...)anyway i would sit on the couch and work so hard on that doll house. i loed it so much. mostly b/c it was fun. and also b/c i thought my dad brought it for me. i had finally finished it arond the time my mom was having her baby shower for my baby brother who was about to be born (aka bad ass rahrah lol). anyway i was soo proud and i had it in my room. but why did my little cousin (my real little cousin whos actually realated to me) he smashed it and i had to throw it away. i was sooo hurt. so angry. sooo upset. plus it was the only doll set that my dad "brought " me. but later i found out it was the one my mom brought me and the "ok" one was the one my dad brought me. but till this day i still felt like he did. even thogh i know he didn't buy it for me i like ot remember him buying i anyway......lol i remeber hating radio shop b/c of my dad.lol. i remeber i went to new york to stay with my nana christy (shes adopted family) b/c my bro was being born. and i used to ride bies with my cousina and i had my first summer romance then. omg he was sooo cute, i think he was kinda puerto rican. i dont remeber. i know he was lght skinned. and ok let me pause from talking about my father. ok so i guess i kinda knew him from a while since i was like three. i owuld see them around. i never really liked them. i remember i was riding my bike that summer and that lttle hepher of his sister pushed me off or something. and so then i told my cousina and she tld the girls mom and i dont think the girl got in troble. but we did end up being friends. i stated hanging out with the kids that lived on the block. i remeber one day i came out and his siter started pulling my arm. teling me that there was a surprise for me. and i was like "um ok"lol and so she led me where a couple of the kids were and where he was. (omg when i think about it i get that feeling of shyness and embaressment just like when it happened) lol ok so that was the summer that Nicole Rays -"Make it hot" came out. (and i think thats why i went out and brought the album too) anyway and so they had written the lyrics on this biggie poster. and he like performed it for me. thinking about it . it was so adorable.ok and so i gess we went out that summer but then i had to leave and so that was over.lol......ok back to my father and why i hated radio shack (thats what it's called...lol radio shop ok) anyway so i used to ride around with my cousin on our bikes. my dads shop was like just right around the corner from where my nana christy lived and so i would we would ride over there to buy candy and stuff. and so then one day i was looking for my daddys shop and it wasn't there. all i saw was this new radio shack there. so i thought that my dads store had gotten sold to radio shack and radio shack was the reason why it wasn't there anymoe. and so i just assumed that that was th reason i adn't been able to see my father for all that time. so i decided to boycott radio shack. i hated radio shack sooo much. i refused to go their to buy anything. i didn't even like seeing it or hearing the name "radio shack" lol. but later i found out it wasn't radio shacks fault.lol. and so i started going there again. but ive stll never bought anything from there.lol...anyway i think the last time i heard from my father was on the phone when i was 8. i dont think i even recognized his voice when i heard it. he such a big part of me. he has had a great influence on how i see boys. i think thats why i dont mess with black boys that much. b/c ive seen how my dad left me and my mom. i remember when i was six, thats when i decided i was never going to marry a black man. and being that young my reason as b/c i didn't want to have a baby and be left all alone to care for it like my mom had to with me. seeing my mom struggle all these years to provide for me by herself has made me view men in a very different life. i dont hate guys. i just dont want to get hurt like my mom did. thoguh i understadn anyone and everyones capable of hurting you....when i was little and i used to get hit for doing something bad i remeber crying and calling out to my mommy. my mm alsways said how she didn't understand why i was crying out to her when she was the one who was punishing me. i remeber i tried calling out to my dad but after a while it didn't feel right. like whats the point. what could he do. i mean he wasn't there. my mom has aways been the only dad ive ever known and i love her for that. she has been the only one i coud len on and the only one i could call on. shes been the only one i could talk to and the only one who knows me good enough to know how to push my buttons. the only father figure ive ever had that was actually a male was Mr. Vic. and thast why i hurted so much when e died. i remeber thinking would i be this sad if someone told me that my father died. theni thought of how my father could be dead now and i wuldn't even know. i guess it would hurt. not b/c of what we had but what we didn't have and what we would never have. though Mr. Vic isn't that special either. hes hurt my mom also. after he died my mom was torn and i think its been like a month and shes still hurtin. i remember a few weeks ago she told me to never get involved with someone like Mr. Vic b/c it would only end up hurting me. how men, when they have someone who is smart and intelligent and nice and has their best interest on hand they always leave for some whore who just wants them for what they have. how they figure you'l always be ther and thats why they can treat you how ever and still expect you to love them. my mom told me how this guy had poposed to her b4 i was born. he was smart and had something going for him but instead my mom went for my dad. not once though did my mom seem like she regretted it. and i love her for that. she said she doesnt regreat anything that shes done b/c its left her with me and my brother and im sooo thankful for that. God has a reason for everything and im happy for that.... all my life its been me and mom and even though i miss my dad. i kinda like it this way

...and thats all i have to say

Sick

these past fel days haven't been that great. i've been kinda sad by the way y supposed "friends" have been treating me. and its not even that their my friends , wait yea they can be cosidered friends. just cause their not my best friends like anisa and karina, doesn't mean their not my friends. anyway, so all this time ive been sitting with corey and jean and a few other ppl during breakfast,lunch, and dinner. i should have known better but i dont know i thought ppl changed. i remember when i left 8th grade i didn't like corey at all just b/c of the way he acts and treats ppl. coreys disgusting, rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate, and just plain nasty. and i guess ppl dont change. what possesses a person to put their hands in someones food when thier eating it. what possesses a person to drink out of someone elses cup when your not finished drinking it your self. and i know its not a boy thing. its a pig thing. but thats not even the issue. corey it rude and mean to me for no reason. he just comes out of no where being rude and mean for no reason. its the way he comes at me. and im sick of it. im fed up. then jean has to come a jump in. its not funny, its not cool, and im kida pist off. i decided i wasn't going to sit with them anymore. but then we had this workshop yesterday and corey did it again. and i sware, i was so overwelmed with being upset. i just went in my room and cried for a while.

anyway so today i satwith my roomate and laura. and some how we got to the issue, and shakila (my roomie) and laura took it upon themselves to fix the situation. they went to this boy torrell and talked to hima bout something that happened and smilie was soo nice and understanding and we worked it out. but corey on the otherhand was obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, ect. he was himself. he made it seem like i was being wrong for trying to take up for myself.

im just sick of ppl thinking they can say and do whatever to me and that i wont care. for years and years ive just sucked it up and delt with it. ignored the fact that i was being hurt soo badly.i ignored everything just hoping thati could put it behind me.people are just really in considerate and hurtful. and im just fed up.

anyway im in the process of setting up my party. i hope everyone can come. but i doubt it. i can understand it you had something planned. but if you have like a personal issue then i will be kind of upset. for example, if teresa doesn't come b/c anisa and armando are comming im going to be kinda upset. b/c what does that have to do with me. and if she does come and her and anisa ruin my birthday by being "how they are when their around each other" im going to be so mad. my birthday is a day to celebrate the fact that i was born and that im alive. if it doesnt matter to you then fuck you. b/c anyone who doesn't care whether i live or die are assholes and i dont really want to be associated with you anyway. im really hoping to have a good birthday . i really doubt it,. i really dont like birthdays and i know that this year is going to be like every other year. oh well.

....and thats all i have to say

What Birthday?

well well well...yesterday i went to the mall with yrwin, elmo, nabor, armando and anisa. i had quite alot of fun though my stomach started hurting (damn waffles)lol anyway, today i took out my hair cause it was looking a mess. and now i look like a hot mess. i need to wash my hair. so today im gonna stay at home. its not like im leaving the house. plus ive noticed no one ever comes to my house to just see me. its always a meeting place. but thats alright. i didn't know that ppl were actually excited about my birthday. i haven't put any thought into what i want b/c mostly i have too much going on. my bros b-day is coming up and only three days later will be mine. oh and all you ppl better come to my bros b-day. my moms kinda counting on you guys to come cause i told her you guys would. anyway. i have no idea what i want to do for my b-day. probably nothing. the closer i get to my b-day the more i dont want to do anything. again i have no ideas. i wanted a spa thing but forget that its pretty too late for something like that. i wanted something like just going to the mall and hanging out. mostly b/c nothing goes on on my b-day anyway. i wanted like a party but where would i put it? i have no ideas. its not like b-day is that important. its just the day i was born and most of the time its like im not even here so i dont see the point. im really deciding to rethink this b-day thing. im gonna be leaving the program on my b-day and so i probably wont have time for anything anyway. all i want is a icecream cake (one i can eat all by myself) and probably some calls from ppl saying happy birthday. at least that will be more than what ive had the past 7 years. in fact i think the last time i had a party was when i was around 8 or 9. every other year i was either just eating cake or moving around or ppl just decided to forget about my b-day all together. my mom never forgets but i dont know. i guess ive never been a birthday person. though i would really like to have a party this year. oh well it looks like its nto going to happen unless i think of something ..fast.oh and if i do have a b-day party yes yrwin you can come. why would i leave you out? your one of my friends. and if i have a party (and when i say party i really dont mean party as in dancing and music and stuff, unless you guys have an idea of where i can do all that stuff)its probably just going to be a couple of my closest friends and just hanging out. im usually depressed on my b-day mabey this year will be different.

...and thats all i have to say

Birthday Birthday

ok... well there is nothign really to talk about. im itting here next to jean watching these ppl beat each other up on the internet. its pretty cool.lol. today feels kind of weird. it's not like a regular day. i have midterms today and i dont know its gonna be really easy b/c its stuff i learned in 8th grade b/c they have me in freakin math 1. anyway we have a barbeque today. omg i went to the swimming pool (cause i got good grades) and i can swim!!! im so excited. i can actually swim. anyway theres not really much to say except you ppl better come to my party if i have one. my b-day is im two weeks .

Schooooool!

well hello. this is my only contact with the outside human world. im so happy about having two study halls back to back now. i get to do nothing for two hours and just hang out. then i get to go on the computer and just hang out. i'm really supposed to be righting this personal statement for my college ed. prep. class but oh well . actually im supposed to be writing this scholorship essay. ol. anyway. omg im sooo happy i only had to spend two days here. it would feel too weird if i had to spend longer after having soo much fun last weekend. im ready for the weekend to begin again. this week felt sooo freaking short. i'm so freakin hyper and happy. im about to have to go to lunch. then math 1 (which im still mad about because im supposed to be in math 3) any way then after that is college ed prep. another greaqt thing about having study hall back to back, other than the four hours of nothing is that i have time to do all the work that i had to get done this weekend. im just really happy.lol. ok wow. ha ha i stole that from anisa. now you know how annoying it is.

oh and i wanna go to the beach also. we have to figure something out. i need to talk to my mom and see what she can do. if i ask then it will come. oh and yeah we should go out to the club. i need to save instead of buying chinese food then.lol. my mom will probably let me go. if i spill that "oh but i haven't been able to spend anytime with my friends since i've been in upward bound" shed let me go anyway. in fact she will probably be the one saying that.

my mom is soo cool. i love her to death. i'm so happy that i have her to care about my well being and my happiness. she wants me to be happy and i want that sooo bad for her. she means everything to me. though since we both are leos we end up like hating each other alot but its all good after that.

omg im soo great. im like the best promoter for this blogger.com. i mean i started the whole thing . when i found out about blog i told anisa, karina , armando. im turn they told elmo and yrwin. jesse read my blog and decided to create his own. and now silveria is about to create a blog. i mean im sooo cool.lol. jk, no really i am. but i should be getting money for this. lol.

anyway im about to write my essay.ttyl.

This Weekend

ok i was just thinking abot that while i was walking home and i wanted to write it. anyway, so this weekend has been great. i am sooooo happy. i missed my friends sooo much. i mean upward bound is fun and "educational" but i mean i miss being with my friends and feeling free to be myself. they are the only people i feel that i can be free and fun and spontaneous and fearless and etc with. i love being etc with them.lol. at upward bound i felt like i couldn't be myself. well i guess i could but i dont know. its hard to explain. it felt like irvington to be short and sweet. i didn't feel like myself and it was starting to make me sad. i guess you could say i was home sick or more friend sick. i missed them soo much. so im happy to have this time off. ive spoken and seen like all my friends this weekend so im happy about that. i got my hair dont. though armandos stupid self burst a water balloon on it and so i got to see how it looks. its probably messed up. thanks armando. but ive spoken to jesse so much this weekend. i like talking to him. he is so sweet and supportive and i honestly feel like i can trust him he's move to being like one of my best friends like anisa and karina. i wish he could have been at the forth of july party/cookiout/hangout with the rest of us. shanae (lol of course)(wow), karina, anisa, armando, yrwin,elmo,jody, jennifer,fransisco, boni, everyone was there. except for jesse.lmao....ooh wow im sorry its just how i said it.but anyway ive probably talked to him enough this past few days. and it was great seeing anisa. everytime we decide to do something like girls , anisa can't come cause she has to be with armando. it seems like i dont see her that much cause she rather spend time with armando then me and karina. and i can kinda understand. if i had a boyfriend id rather spend time with him too. but i like hanging with anisa. i just wish armando didn't have to be there every time. cause sometimes me and armando dont get along. though i guess you can say hes like a brother. he kinda acts like my brother. hes soo cool and i guess he is like a brother. and i went on friday i went to karinas house and played soccar it was fun . i saw robert and hung out with him. then i went with her to teresas sweet fifteen. she looked sooo beautiful.i had some fun at her party. i just liked being there. it was kind of weird though. its like watching a whole nothing culture. (well yeah a whole nother culter) but it was like if we were to watch native americans or little tribes or something. they all looked so different, the men sooo small,lol jk, but the things they ate and the way they danced it was kinda cool. different. wow i have seen like all my friends in like three days. i probably wouldn't have seen all of them in like 2 months (at least at the same time or whatever) the only ppl i haven't seen is marcos and omg thats it. i saw jess. i even saw elmo and yrwin. and even little janel. hes so adorable in a little satanic evil way.lol jk. oh and i didnt see ester. hopefully i can see her b4 my b-day at least. well anyway i had fun and now its time to go back to college. and yes i am going to college. i mean i eat, sleep,bathe, and learn in college. im going to college. :P so see you next weekend ppl.lol. ill probably talk to you b4 then though bc i need ppl to talk to so i wont have to go to bed when lights go out. lol ;) byz ppl

and thats all i have to say....

Forth Of July

It's night and the sound of fire works fill the air. It bright colors and flashy lights fill the sky. When anyone and everyone goes out to buy anything that lights up and shoots fire. And the burning smell fills the air. The oohs and ahhs are what you hear as the fireworks hit the sky and burst and the neighbors through firecrackers. A smile forms with wonder and excitement, though this is by far the first time you've seen such beauty and celebration. When the smell of bbqed hot dogs and chicken and burgers and steak fill the air. And parties and cookouts are on the minds of all. The lights, the smells, the excitement, the warmth of celebration that your body gets filled with all bring forth a special time. When years from now our country gained its independence and the beauty of fulfilled dreams and diversity was born. A time for celebration...Forth of July