*sighs* theses days i've been thinking more and more about life. what i want out of it all. how much i want to better myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally (lol)(sorry about that), intellectually, physically, etc (and all the other "ally"'s)(lol). um, i was reading my free tarot reading offered to my by astrology.com. it basically talked about me not being able to count on my friends, peers, or youthful ideas of privacy and resolution when it comes to conflict, secrets , or feelings that involve my life. it also talked about something that happened which kinda caused my to write "lonely" and get myself all worked up and crying and cutting, etc. basically about not fitting into groups, even ones that i would think i would fit into b/c of certain reasons. it said something else that was sooo close to what was happening with me "being cut off or missing out on some secret, spontaneous, or underground sense of unity, cheer, communion, and support could be making you [me] feel disconnected and unsuppoted; like im too old or serious; having too many responcibilities; can't handle it; are undeserving somehow, or that you can't trust those whom you might consider close to you [me],etc". ok.
theres was this other one that really hit close (i only could see two since it was free)(lol). this one just basically said how i was re-examining my life (which i am) or refocusing my perspective (that too). it said that even though i am confortable with what i have, i am feeling like its time to let go of some conforts for something something greater and more fulfilling.(which i am definatly feeling lately). i have been feeling kind of restless, defeated, distracted, and i have been having that strong desire to search my soul for a deeper truth and meaning to my life. things that used to bring me joy, have seemed kind of old and unsatifactory now. i am extremely eager to move on to another phase of my life, another phase of fulfillment.
i've been thinking of this summer. summers are always like new years for me. that time of year when change is possible. and you wish so much for that change and vow to change but never do. its kind of disappointing in a way. but thats like us humans to constantly set ourselves up for disappointment (which im working on not doing). my plans for this summer is probably Upward Bound (acedemic program) (mabey it can help my spelling) (lol and grammer), um mabey, hopefully a summer job, and to just hang out with my friends. this spring break was like so great (considering last spring break i had a close encounter with a nervous breakdown), i just want this summer to be just as enjoyable. im young, im free, im happy (for the most part). i want to work on that happiness, that freeness (if thats a word), i want to work on truly fulfilling my life.
i've never noticed but sometimes i can come off as a freespirit. someone quite close t me told me so. i kinda read it on the horoscopes i like to read and just asked to find out if it was true. i dont know, i guess in a way i am kinda a freespirit. at least i try to be, when im not being so self-concious.
i guess i am kind of vain, but not really in a conceided way more in a hurtful [to me] way. i dont do alot of things b/c of feelings i have toward myself. i mean i dont have any pictures of me from probably 3rd grade to 8th grade. thats about the time i became extremly self-concious, and my self-esteem lowered to a dangerous low (which its ind of hovering about now). its kinda obvious in the way i carry myself also. to those who actually take the time to notice. i feel so, i dont know : bare, vulnerable, naked,etc. now that i dont have my bag with me. i hardly wear anything that shows off my legs. i hardly ever show off my arms, even if i have a cute top on. i dont know, i want to change that. thats probably the number one thing i want to change. but b4 i can i must learn to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, causeing me to feel this self-concious and sometimes lonely. i realize if i want to be my freespirit self, lol, i must let go of that stuff.
i love life and all it has to offer me. there are times when i just love going outside to like take out the garbage in my pj's and slippers or socks; no barefoot, i'm kinda scared of that, the farthest i can go just barefoot is my porch. lol. but i like those times when i can just eat up all the world has to offer me, all its beauty. the one thing i would love to accomplish this summer, is being able to be myself, no hesitation, nothing. though sometimes i scare myself and others, and thats why i hold back. and now it like im programmed to hold back that when its time to let go... i cant.
the one thing i never wanted was to let others opinions become my reality. and i have, it is my reality. its my past my present my future. but i want to change that. theres so much i have to work on and i just ask God to help me out. to lead me and walk side by side with me, holding my hand. helping me to be who i am. to be what He made me. Shanae :)
i think this summer, for my birthday, i want to go to the spa. i was thinking about how many of my friends may have ever been there and i think it would be kind of fun. forget the mall we can go anytime. but i think it would be the greatest way to start off my life as a 15 y/o. by being cleased and renewed with my closest friends.lol. then we can go to dinner.lol.
well, its kind of early and i have to take my shower and figure what im gonna be doing today.soo....
theres was this other one that really hit close (i only could see two since it was free)(lol). this one just basically said how i was re-examining my life (which i am) or refocusing my perspective (that too). it said that even though i am confortable with what i have, i am feeling like its time to let go of some conforts for something something greater and more fulfilling.(which i am definatly feeling lately). i have been feeling kind of restless, defeated, distracted, and i have been having that strong desire to search my soul for a deeper truth and meaning to my life. things that used to bring me joy, have seemed kind of old and unsatifactory now. i am extremely eager to move on to another phase of my life, another phase of fulfillment.
i've been thinking of this summer. summers are always like new years for me. that time of year when change is possible. and you wish so much for that change and vow to change but never do. its kind of disappointing in a way. but thats like us humans to constantly set ourselves up for disappointment (which im working on not doing). my plans for this summer is probably Upward Bound (acedemic program) (mabey it can help my spelling) (lol and grammer), um mabey, hopefully a summer job, and to just hang out with my friends. this spring break was like so great (considering last spring break i had a close encounter with a nervous breakdown), i just want this summer to be just as enjoyable. im young, im free, im happy (for the most part). i want to work on that happiness, that freeness (if thats a word), i want to work on truly fulfilling my life.
i've never noticed but sometimes i can come off as a freespirit. someone quite close t me told me so. i kinda read it on the horoscopes i like to read and just asked to find out if it was true. i dont know, i guess in a way i am kinda a freespirit. at least i try to be, when im not being so self-concious.
i guess i am kind of vain, but not really in a conceided way more in a hurtful [to me] way. i dont do alot of things b/c of feelings i have toward myself. i mean i dont have any pictures of me from probably 3rd grade to 8th grade. thats about the time i became extremly self-concious, and my self-esteem lowered to a dangerous low (which its ind of hovering about now). its kinda obvious in the way i carry myself also. to those who actually take the time to notice. i feel so, i dont know : bare, vulnerable, naked,etc. now that i dont have my bag with me. i hardly wear anything that shows off my legs. i hardly ever show off my arms, even if i have a cute top on. i dont know, i want to change that. thats probably the number one thing i want to change. but b4 i can i must learn to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, causeing me to feel this self-concious and sometimes lonely. i realize if i want to be my freespirit self, lol, i must let go of that stuff.
i love life and all it has to offer me. there are times when i just love going outside to like take out the garbage in my pj's and slippers or socks; no barefoot, i'm kinda scared of that, the farthest i can go just barefoot is my porch. lol. but i like those times when i can just eat up all the world has to offer me, all its beauty. the one thing i would love to accomplish this summer, is being able to be myself, no hesitation, nothing. though sometimes i scare myself and others, and thats why i hold back. and now it like im programmed to hold back that when its time to let go... i cant.
the one thing i never wanted was to let others opinions become my reality. and i have, it is my reality. its my past my present my future. but i want to change that. theres so much i have to work on and i just ask God to help me out. to lead me and walk side by side with me, holding my hand. helping me to be who i am. to be what He made me. Shanae :)
i think this summer, for my birthday, i want to go to the spa. i was thinking about how many of my friends may have ever been there and i think it would be kind of fun. forget the mall we can go anytime. but i think it would be the greatest way to start off my life as a 15 y/o. by being cleased and renewed with my closest friends.lol. then we can go to dinner.lol.
well, its kind of early and i have to take my shower and figure what im gonna be doing today.soo....
...thats all i have to say (love ya :-* )
