Lust

Lust
All my life I have struggled with Lust, hoping that from him I would gain what was lost. When I was 3, I anxiously waited by the kitchen set, desperately hoping that today he would choose me to be his “wife” for the day by offering the plastic bouquet of flowers on the table. When I was 6, I nervously stood in the gym hoping that today he would acknowledge my “love” for him by hearing the words in my throat. When I was 9, I longingly laid beside him hoping that today he would confess his “feelings” for me by placing his arms around my waist. I float and I am filled with pleasant dreams. I paint the darkness of my shut eyes with his image. I replace the spaces of my sentences with his name. I escape and I am consumed by my delusion. I trick myself into believing he could serve as a substitution for the role in my life left abandoned by my father. I look to him to make me feel whole. I sink and I am sheltered in my dream. I let my mind be consumed by unrequited, unrestrained, unattainable dreams that only leave me facing an inevitable pit of sorrow, pity, and dreaded “what if’s”. I fall and I am suffocated by my nightmare. I am left devoured by my demons, alone in my room, wondering why I do this to myself, praying to God to send me someone, promising Him that this time I will be ready. But still… I’m not. And I don’t know when I’ll ever be.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've written on this. I mean truly written; sat at a desk with my computer and let my thoughts flow through my fingers...I miss it. It feels kind of comforting to know that it's just me... and you of course; poor sap who wandered into my deepest thoughts. My deepest thoughts. There's been much on my mind ( school, family, friends...) but there is only one thing that has been in my deepest thoughts; mostly because of my constant attempts to force him there. Him. Him, mentioned before in the last two entries...It's funny because any time I read what I wrote from before it feels... It feels. And it leads me to think about the beginning. Which leads me to think about the end. Yup, that's basically how you sum it all up. Before. Beginning. End. No middle; or at least the middle was too short to be distinguishable. I mean it was short lasting so how long could the middle be. With the end starting sooner than expected and lasting longer than it had to, there's not much room for much else. Sounds bitter. Which is funny because a lot of times I smile; a lot of times I cry but most times... :) I miss him.

...That's pretty much it.

I loved him.

...That's it also.

Him

I don't know why I do this to myself. Letting my mind get filled up with these dreams, hopes, fantasies that only leave facing an inevitable pit of sorrow and pity. I understand the cause, for its easy to decipher these things: bad relationship with father= bad relationship with all male kind. But what am I to do with it. What am I to do with myself. I like him. This time a new him, although probably the same predicament. I fantasize, I lust after, only to do nothing and end up hurt. For I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be. Leaving me confused and lonely. My heart being placed in my own fist to just be squeezed harder and harder until it bursts, leaving me to sew back the mess I've made. I sit and I hope for things to go different... This time. For things to end up better. I sit and I prey for God to send me something promising myself, promising Him that I will be ready this time. But still... I'm not. Will I ever be? I don't know. I wish I could say. I do. But I can't say a word of encouragement because there is no use. I shall face my inevitable pit of sorrow and pity. If only... I could forget.

A Crush

"i remember being on the bus and his fingers finding its way between the seat and window to me. i grabbed onto them like it was something...natural. and when my hand would find itself intwined in his. natural. and in the dark, during practice when he kissed me. natural. and on the bus, comming home , him being right next to me. the feeling i had. natural. and the way he would look at me as if he knew it was. that i was. foolishly feeling like i was special. but somehow even that felt natural."

and i felt like it was natural. for the first time. and i miss that natural feeling. i miss being filled with it. and just being close to him felt. natural. despite the setting. i hate myself for wanting something i couldn't have. and for dreaming and pretending like i could obtain it, knowing along i couldn't. hurting myself once again for no reason. i pray that it won't happen again. that i won't allow myself to get hurt a fifth time by my feelings and vulnerability.

i hate myself for thinking about it even now.

A Crush

i knew. when i was sitting on karinas porce, babbling about some nonsence about me being upset about the other cast mates, and she hinted to me if it was really about him. i knew deep inside it was. but i couldn't put my finger on why. but i know it was because i knew it was probably my last chance. that afterwards it would be like this. it would be like de andre. though i didn't have a "mouthful of his name". i had something else. with signifigance the same.

"The Lump"

well tommorrow i'm probably not going to school b/c i have to go to the doctor. today i showed my mom "the lump" that i've been trying not to concern my self with. i just didn't want to worry her but of course she'll worry since shes my mom. but i guess i was afraid of what it might be, i mean i doubt it is cancerous but it could be. and whatever it is its really big and hard so much you can kind of see the indentation so much that i might need surgery and im so scared. i pray that its not cancer. i can deal with the surgery but please God dont let it be cancer.

Hold On

my hair is falling out. its spreading like cancer over the back of my skull. my eyelashes are pealing away, constantly in my eye. and for once i can admit i have no idea what to do. i stress to do everything, though i know it can't be done. theres this hurt, inside of me like i bruised my soul. this numb pain...

(Passage from my sort of journal/diary)

"I turned on Death Cab and laid I stared at the ceiling as I felt the tears fall out of my eyes I felt the first tear fall out of my left eye and fall behind my ear into my hair and as I thought of the pimple that would appear because of that salty tear passing along the wrong pore on my face and how my hair would friz from that single moist tear another tear fell from my right I just laid and stared feeling a numb hurt and more tears began to fall and soon I felt the need to cry but as I scrunched my face and held my eyes shut tight trying to force the tears out they wouldn't fall but when I opened them two fat tears fell from both eyes. And suddenly I felt that I was holding my breath even as I inhaled and exhaled I felt I was waiting waiting to exhale and for the first time I understood what it meant Waiting to Exhale"

One Day Without

" When I think back to you all I can picture is you smiling, that day in Ms. Mariam's livingroom watching tv, and when I drew that flower for you; little things that make me smile. At times I find myself dreaming that you were here and it was all of us in Sayreville again but with all dreams you wake up and your ht with reality again. I sware I actually stopped liking Florida as much, only because you were there instead of here. I doubt that you being in Sayreville would change anything...So i guess, wherever you are, you may stay..."

I remember always saying his name it would fall from my mouth as if my mouth was full with it I would say it without thinking as if well it was always on my mind.I thinkI miss that more than I miss him I never had him but I had a mouthful of his name

My comment for Anisa's "Marriage"

This is my comment for Anisas entry on her blog. I suggest you read her entry before reading my comment so you can gain a better "overall" understanding of what we are talking about. heres her link... http://itsonlyaphaze.blogspot.com/ um and heres my comment...

Omg Anisa. Your right. When you think of marriage it’s like this whole big thing. It's like "long distance relationship". It not a big thing but people make it a big thing that the word just holds such a heavy meaning. When I think of marriage I think of it as two people meeting each other and feeling in their soul that this is their match. Two people who complete each other. When I get married I want it to be with someone I love with all my heart. With someone I’d die for. With someone that when I'm near them there’s no other place I want to be. And when I’m away from them their the only person I want to be with. I want that feeling when you just want to be with him so much. Like you just want to fuse together with that person. That’s how I think of like your wedding band. It’s like a symbol of a never-ending bond between two people. When I marry someone I want to feel like my love for him is never ending. But I also understand how two people can just "fall out of love" and that terrifies me the most. I’m so afraid of divorce that I know it’s going to take me a looong time to get married. I know that if I get married, I want to only have to do it once. And with someone I could spend my life with and not worry about "waking up to that person everyday" or "only having sex with that one person" plus when I think of marriage and relationships for that matter I think of mine being special. I don’t really like the whole "rules" thing that goes with relationships. Those set of unwritten laws. I don’t like that b/c I know I’m the kind of person who wants to be allowed to do certain things. And I’m willing to allow my "partner" (lol) to do certain things. I kind of don’t understand that "oh I don’t want you going to strip clubs" thing. I think its stupid. In fact I'd probably go with you. That way I know your not doing anything. Plus, well anyway, I don’t see what's so bad about it. I don’t know. When I think of me going back in time, meeting 50 cent, and convincing him to marry me and our marriage together. I think of it being well great. Oh I love 50 cent. Woo. Anyway. Even when I think of marrying Frankie Gotti. I imagine going through a lot and gaining a real understanding if who the person is and then marrying the person. I know that I might not be ready to marry anyone till like my 30s, mostly my late 30's. Because I don’t understand getting married in your 20s because your still living your life. In your 20s, you are finally on your own, having fun, and building a life for yourself. You have enough to worry about, with you now having to adjust to living on your own. Why rush and have to deal with also learning to live with another person at the same time. Plus you are trying to build a career. It’s a lot to add building a life with your husband to it. I think by my late 30's I would have things figured out. Plus if you get married in your late 30's you would have had plenty of time to understand the person, gone through enough with this person to figure out if you want to be with him for the rest of your life and had enough time to live together to see if you guys are compatible in living together. I’d hate to rush and then have to divorce over little things like "why cant you just put down the toilet seat" "why cant you just aim at the toilet" why cant you just fill the dirty dishes with water so the food wont harden" "why cant you help around the house" etc. Lol. Plus I want to have time to figure out what we have to work on. I’m terrified of divorce. I never want to divorce. I think I’m kind of more afraid of that then dieing or going to sleep and never waking up (which is kind of the same thing but not really lol) anyway. Omg I remember watching the special on gay marriages and seeing like those people so inn love and like fighting for the right to spend the rest of their lives together and having something like in writing to express how they just want to spend the rest of their lives together. It was so amazing to see, just how marriage has become. Like people just marrying people b/c their afraid of dieing alone or for money or like all those stupid reasons. It kind of makes me sad. But I want something more special. I want to find that special person. My soul mate. Omg I read this thing, this book and it was about like ok I forgot, but at the end she wrote this thing on soul mates and omg I so believe. Before kind of didn’t believe in “soul mates” but I do now. I believe that there is someone out there that god made just for you. And that person could be your best friend, you now boyfriend, some guy like 12 years younger than you, someone twice your age, etc. and I believe that if you take your time and don’t rush things you will find them. But it’s just that you don’t get a lot of time to put things together. You get like 10-20 years. Most people, by their 30’s, want to be having children and getting married and having a career, etc,. And sometimes it doesn’t work that way so they rush and things just go really bad. I think people should just take their time. Ok anyway. Wow this could have been an entry. Ok ill count this as my bog entry for today. Lol. In fact I think I’m going to spell check this and then make it my entry for today and then just leave you a comment saying that my comment is on my blog. Um ok. Well then ttyl anisa. Lol. I guess.

Boyfriend

ok this is going to be short and sweet and to the point...i think im like falling in love. i dont know i wanted to be sure that i "felt" it before i said or expressed, etc. it but i think im kind of sure. i care about him sooo much and i ...i love him. i can truely say that since talking to him and spending time with him i am truely happy. ive never felt such happiness. i remember reading karinas thing and she said how shes so happy im not sad and depressed anymore like how i used to be and i thought about it and i realized it was all mostly jesse. when i was sad and depressed and felt so lonely and and unloved, he, out of everyone i knew, was there for me making me feel special. we used to talk and talk and talk and i was so just happy. i wasn't as sad as i was before. i think mostly it was because of how he saw me. he saw me as this happy, outgoing, freespirit, kind of girl, every thing i have wanted to be, but just couldn't. he sees in me the good and he understands me. and i remember thinking about how i wanted my boyfriend to be, what i look for in "him", and its jesse. i wanted someone who understood me , sometimes better than i do myself, and tries to understand me and someone who loves and cares and is sooo supportive of me and who tolerates my bad and laughs at my stupid jokes and makes me feel important and smart and just makes me feel good and happy. i just wanted someone who could help me find "true happiness". and its jesse. its ben him but wasn't willing to let myself believe that because i so desperately didn't want to be hurt. just like ive never felt that jind of happiness, i have never felt that kind of pain, and even though with jesse i dont feel like he would ever do something to hurt me, i dont want to take my chances and i dont want to feel vulnerable. im so scared and i told him that. how im like terrified of commitment and im not affectionate and i dont want to feel vulnerable, and im kind of scared. though i like the feeling, im scared of it. but right now im trying to soak up this feeling, though after all the negative stuff i just wrote, its kind of hard. but im trying to soak some of it up before i start building my wall. i really dont wabt to but i am just really protective of myself and my feelings and i just cant trust him with it yet. i think thats what im afriad of. i have a fixed belief of what love and marriage , no no no im not thinking of marriage yet but im just saying, and i think its like when you come to a point in your relationship when you can honestly trust that person. like with your heart and soul and be sure that he/she wont break it. i hardly like letting people borrow my clothes (karina you still got my Thomas, i just remembered you have my Thomas), let alone trust them with my freaking heart. so i guess thats why instead of trusting and relying on people i rely on my Jerry and Thomas I,II,III,IV,V,VI and last but not least my Micheal.lol i just realized i have talked about jesse and karina and i haven't capitalized their names but Thomas and Jerry and Micheal get their names capitalized; them and God.lol. sorry guys.anyway i need to get ready, i have to find the phone and get dressed for bed and clean up my room ;) ;) sike but really i need to clean up my room (lol) and just get ready for jesses phone call. i really hope he makes it home safe, he should be getting hom now. anyway.ttyl

...thats gonna be about it