i just got home from drill team. it was ok but i kinda messed up alot. but thats not really important. anyway on my home in the cab, i couldn't help think over what has been up. i mean if it was about something that happened recently, i wouldn't be that upset. everything that has happened latly that i could et upset about is not really that important. i mean the thing with jrotc is soo not important. i can get over the thing that happened in school b4 i walked home. and the thing with a certain person, really isn't that serious. i made sure of it. i mean i know how to protect myself in certain situations so that when it does end up on a bad note i wont be crushed. expecially with dealing with boys. anyway. i realized, i wasn't upset about somethig that happened today or even these past weeks. im upset over something that has been happening for about fourteen years. all my life (for those who were confused). when i was thinking of it i kept saying to myself "everything is coming to a head" but really "everythings just filling up above the rim". it cant be something recent b/c the only time i get sad like this is when i feel lonely or unwanted or unimportant.
it has been the only thing that has been able to make me cry. it is the only thing that has made me cry soo hard that body would start to ache. the only thing that has prevented me from doing things i wanted to do and even being who i am. its the only thing that i fear . its the only thing that has been able to tear me down. hello, my name is shanae and i have abandonmanet issues. lol. oh god, this is gonna be the toughest thing ive ever had to say/write. i can tell already. i dont understand but im happy that i finally realize it.
when i was little and i would get hit for being bad and i wanted to cry for as long as possible, thats what i'd use. i'd just think over and over again about my father leaving me, or the guy i had a crush on, or the friends that i felt at the time didn't "love" me, whatever that made me feel lonely would make me cry. when i was depressed it was because i felt lonely. anytime i've been depressed its been because of that. i say to myself over and over again, that i just want to be happy. but pathetic enough i just want to feel loved and cared for, like everyone else.
i dont know. ive moved so many times. and i never had that chance to have that one friend that i grew up with or who knew me inside and out or who was my "best" friend...i've always felt so misunderstood. i never felt like i fit in and i never felt like i was part of a group. the last time i've ever felt like i was or might have been was in second grade. but im not in second grade anymore, i'm in ninth....god, my eyes are sooo red right now. i always thought that i lieked being the only child. i still do. but sometimes when i cry i feel like that little girl with no brothers and sisters and with nothing to do but play by myself.
for years and years, i've sat and taken things, just letting it soak in and be bottled up. i've taken the kids asking "why do you talk like that" since i was two. i've taken the adult asking "where are you from" (just a politer way of say " why do you talk like that, your not like us") since i was two. i've been the third wheel since the first time we moved. i've had to deal with not having a father all my life. i have had to deal with practically not having a mother b/c she has to work extra hard to provide for me and my brother, becuase no other person in the world will help her. i've taken everything, with a smile or just laughed it off, and just bottled it up and called it a day. trying not to think about it, but hurting that much more.
i don't like who i've become becuase of it. i can hardly look in the mirror most of the time. i dot see myself the way i should and ive read books and turned to religion and you just cant heal a fourteen year old scar. you cant make it disappear. i've given up on dreams. i've given up on myself. oh god, this gonna be a two day post.....i just really want to be happy. i dont feel like saying more. ive said enough
