Pants and Sweaters and Shoes? OH MY

well im sitting here in my boxers, in a room full of clother-old and new- with a fed addiction to food and shoes. i must say, if i even here myself complain about not having anything to wear, i will personally slap myself. times like these you wonder whats in it for them. i just know that im going to have to do a lot of house cleaning, after today and how much was spent on me. plus i still want those boots we saw in the store and i still need my vingtage tees and a few more blazers and a jean jacket. i haven't gotten my cargo pants but im not that worried about that.oh and look what i just found, my list for todays shopping.basically all i still need off my list is vintage tees, those lacy sparkly tees, and a jean jacket-plus anything else my mom wants to buy me. either way, i have realized that i have a shopping addiction-not just a shoe fetish but an everything that has to do with fashion and style and clothing and etc fetish. and today my mom has fed it and made it worsen. God, i love her. i'm just gonna have to remeber that when shes asking me to clean something and i roll my eyes and she threatens to take back all my stuff.lol. anyone who has been in the same room of my mom knows what im talking about. but shes so great, she woke up this morning and cursed out, stressed out, and blacked out on these people at the bank b/c they were holding her check which had about more than a thousand dollars on it, which anyone who lives in new brunswick and is borderline poor (ok not borderline) knows how serious that is, expecially if your a teenager living in new brunswick, poor and in need some new clothers. and when that check is going solely to paying the cell phone bill (in which includes your cell phone), and the rest going to your school shopping and anything that your mother thinks is a "must have" of her own. ok so let me place you there. so i'm in this big store, my moms downstares looking for more stores and looking for some things for herself, and im completly overwelmed. i dont know what to do,lol. which is funny for someone who dreams of going on What Not To Wear just for the free trip to New York, the $5,000 shopping spree, and the free hair and makeup tips. pss pss...not saying that i still dont want to do that ...hint hint. so anyway my mom comes and wisks me away to this store she found that she feels is perfect for me. and we spend most of our time there, forgetting about the other stores we put on our "to go " list. anyway, for a second i felt good, felt confident, felt less self concious as my mom said things like "oh you really do have a perfect figure" and "oh those pants look like they were made to fit you, lets get a few more pairs of those in every color" .my mom is a trip. but for a second i felt as beautiful as she is. i felt like how she used to be when she was little. this was great for a little girl who spent hours staring at the pictures of her mother when she was young, skinny, and gorgeous, just wishing and hoping that mabey she could grow up to be, and look just like her, cursing her absent father for cursing her with every extra feature on her body that didn't come soely from her mother. i love my mother and so much i just wish to be as loud spoken, and pretty as she is. i remember right before she had rah, when she had lost a lot of weight (which was gained from having me) and was the perfect size, with the curves in the right places, and a beautiful face. she was truely the picture of perfect and all i wanted to be. as i stared at the mirror with a flat ass, still hadn't developed, just comming out of having the chicken pox (which proved to be the worst thing that has happened to me in my whole entire life), and wearing stretch pants that refused to stretch. i dreamed of how if i could become full figured like my mom, how everything would be perfect, when everyone else had dreams of a size 0, i had dreams of a size 14 (though i'm not sure what a size 14 looks like or if my mom was that size or not lol) but you know what i'm saying. basically, it felt good to have all my moms attention on me (something that hasn't been done alot since the end of my only child status). anyway, i had a good day, and now i have to figure out what to do with my room.

thats all i have to say

Something On A Personal Note

My prince charming
hope has no place for me
as i drown in fictitious visions of
a better life foolish to believe in
huge masses of a person wrap around me
hold me close by
my sadness depression transfered
my heart soul being empty into you
he shelters me from pain
protect me from harm
protect me from you
as i float blindly beleiving in your love for me
my heart my soul believes in you
dont let me down
crushed i will be
my notice of warning to you come fictitious dream

...thats all