Saturday, June 11, 2005
Can't Wait Till Summer
its a beautiful hot day, and im stuck in the house. anisa is at armandos house. karina stopped answering the phone. i need more female friends cause i refuse to go hang out only with a bounch of guys. im not that kinda girl. this is what my freakin summer is going to be like. its going to be hot and beautiful and im going to stuck inside (being driven crazy by my brother). yup i can't wait till summer comes.
Bulimia
ok ok, i know it sucks. just wanted to put it up. just felt like writing it. it needs alot of work but oh well. this may just be a two or three day post if i dont forget to take it off.soo...
"It’s gone way too far," she thinks as she forces food down her throat. She drinks water hoping to rinse it down, for her throat has seemed to stop working. Her eyes water as she thinks of how far she's come; how horrible she’s let this problem get. From one day hating her image in the mirror, to then throwing it all up and flushing it all away. She prays to God that she can ignore her bodies burning need to throw it all up.
She opens her mouth up and feels the food rest on her tongue, the flavor seeping into her taste buds. She begins to chew, chewing and chewing as she silently convinces herself that its all right to swallow; silently convincing herself to swallow. She chews till it all is just small particles of food. With help from her tongue, she pushes the food down her throat and feels as her throat pushes the food down. She sits as her body begins to yearn to just throw it all up. She forces those thoughts out of her head, as she takes a sip of water.
She forces her last piece of food down her throat. She sits on her hands and crosses her feet under her legs; her battle has just begun. She sits and she thinks on how better it will all make her feel, as she can feel her bodies need grow and grow. She pushes it out of her mind with thoughts of being healthy and hopefully beautiful. She begins to rock, trying to comfort herself from her inner demons. Her body’s need is growing stronger. Her hands begin to try to break free. She whispers under her breath "God please" over and over again. As her lips tremble, and her hands try to break free, she tries resist. Tears start to fall from her eyes. Her feet tries pry itself free. She closes her eyes and she cries, still praying to God to give her strength.
It’s been almost a half an hour now and her body is beginning to calm down. She takes a deep breath. She gets off her hands and wipes her tears away. She looks up into the mirror and wants to cry more. The image of a broken girl, shattered and confused inside, is what stares back at her. A girl who must force herself to eat, for that’s the only way. She closes her eyes and pictures something different. Something beautiful. She sighs and silently wishes that one day she might become that "something beautiful" as she laid her aching body down. She closes her eyes and lets her fantasies take her away.
"It’s gone way too far," she thinks as she forces food down her throat. She drinks water hoping to rinse it down, for her throat has seemed to stop working. Her eyes water as she thinks of how far she's come; how horrible she’s let this problem get. From one day hating her image in the mirror, to then throwing it all up and flushing it all away. She prays to God that she can ignore her bodies burning need to throw it all up.
She opens her mouth up and feels the food rest on her tongue, the flavor seeping into her taste buds. She begins to chew, chewing and chewing as she silently convinces herself that its all right to swallow; silently convincing herself to swallow. She chews till it all is just small particles of food. With help from her tongue, she pushes the food down her throat and feels as her throat pushes the food down. She sits as her body begins to yearn to just throw it all up. She forces those thoughts out of her head, as she takes a sip of water.
She forces her last piece of food down her throat. She sits on her hands and crosses her feet under her legs; her battle has just begun. She sits and she thinks on how better it will all make her feel, as she can feel her bodies need grow and grow. She pushes it out of her mind with thoughts of being healthy and hopefully beautiful. She begins to rock, trying to comfort herself from her inner demons. Her body’s need is growing stronger. Her hands begin to try to break free. She whispers under her breath "God please" over and over again. As her lips tremble, and her hands try to break free, she tries resist. Tears start to fall from her eyes. Her feet tries pry itself free. She closes her eyes and she cries, still praying to God to give her strength.
It’s been almost a half an hour now and her body is beginning to calm down. She takes a deep breath. She gets off her hands and wipes her tears away. She looks up into the mirror and wants to cry more. The image of a broken girl, shattered and confused inside, is what stares back at her. A girl who must force herself to eat, for that’s the only way. She closes her eyes and pictures something different. Something beautiful. She sighs and silently wishes that one day she might become that "something beautiful" as she laid her aching body down. She closes her eyes and lets her fantasies take her away.
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