Friendship

"Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable
things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a
person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in
cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant
things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them."
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Everyone has their own definition of friendship. Everyone has their own notion of how a friends should be. Everyone has their own notion of what kind of friend they should be to others. Sometimes people come short of that notion, sometimes you dont live up to it yourself. When we think of friendship we think of a position in which two people share a common bond. Someone you can trust, to point out your bad, compliment your good, and be able to be their even when it seems like your not your best; someone who is thier by your side regardless.

I must say that i haven't been much of a friend to my best friend lately. So many things going on, i just dont feel like im in my safe zone lately. I find myself picking fights and just being a really iritated person. And i admit that. Knowing this, and knowing she knows this, all i want is someone to stand by me, because i am in a time of need. I need someone to balance me out. I'm so far away from friends that i used to see everyday. The only time i get to talk to them is on the computer, and then i come on and theres nothing. No one there to have my back. I come on line and the conversation is no more than a "hi" and "goodbye". I'm frustrated and i feel alone. I feel like theres no one there- at least like it used to be.

I guess thats another thing. I feel deserted by all my friends. Miles and miles away are my friends. I dont even get to see them and i cant even come online and expect a cool conversation. And then when i finally have a good day and i feel like joking around and stuff, here comes member of my suport team, only to be miserable and push that misery off to me. "Misery loves company."

Last time i stopped talking to my friend, I really forgot what it was about. Wait... no i dont. I pointed out a few things i said before and some other negative things-i was in a negative mood. Well anyway, one of my friends came back all offended and really aggressive. Funny... she was the only one to react that way (?). Anyway, we i guess resolved it. Didn't talk it out though, which is why i put the "guess" because i dont belive anythings resolved until you come to a common point. There was no coming to a common point and i think thats whats the problem.

I feel that i want my friends to point out negatives, because i feel like they are the only ones i would want to point them out. There are so many enemies out there willing and ready. I in return will point out negatives to. That is in addition to having my back, us being able to talk about whatever without an argument insuing, and for us to have that common bond, that friendship. Obvious mabey not all my friends see eye to eye with that.

I have to honestly say i have like three best friends, like friends that are on a higher level then others (i wouldn't called them best though, so scratch that). And i want to have all those things that i said before with them. The way things are going i barely talk to one and have barely been speaking to her since i left town, I can talk to the other about anything, shes so cool and supported and i have to say pretty much gets me in the best possible way a friend could, then i have my third friend who i have a fight with everyother friend, we are drifting away, we're not seeing eye to eye, and theres basically not communication because of our , i guess, priorities-basically most of the above qualities of a friendship i want to have is not looking like its hapening. But i have a respect for all of them and they mean so much to me and basically i love them to death.

I guess what i want may be a fictiona relationship, never seemed like it before but reality is that its not working at least. Mabey my wanting the negatives to be out in the open are fictional. We have enemies for that, i guess. Mabey all i need is courtesy , majorly on my part (Leo over here.lol), and just friendship on theirs. I realy keep saying that i want to change and this is an aspect of what i'd like to change, the way i am to toher people. *sighs* Basically, at the end of the day, i just want a friend, someone to talk to, have fun with, joke with, someone who is there for me, like everyone else in the world. Without that, without them, i am both lonely and alone.

and thats all i have to say....