Him

I don't know why I do this to myself. Letting my mind get filled up with these dreams, hopes, fantasies that only leave facing an inevitable pit of sorrow and pity. I understand the cause, for its easy to decipher these things: bad relationship with father= bad relationship with all male kind. But what am I to do with it. What am I to do with myself. I like him. This time a new him, although probably the same predicament. I fantasize, I lust after, only to do nothing and end up hurt. For I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be. Leaving me confused and lonely. My heart being placed in my own fist to just be squeezed harder and harder until it bursts, leaving me to sew back the mess I've made. I sit and I hope for things to go different... This time. For things to end up better. I sit and I prey for God to send me something promising myself, promising Him that I will be ready this time. But still... I'm not. Will I ever be? I don't know. I wish I could say. I do. But I can't say a word of encouragement because there is no use. I shall face my inevitable pit of sorrow and pity. If only... I could forget.